mom troubles....

[Galadriel]

Hey all,


I got kinda a quandry here. I am bad at saying "I love you". I know it must come from my mom, because everytime we talk (she lives about 4 hours away), she says "I love you sooo much" and I feel like I have to answer in turn, and if I dont right away shes like "your supposed to say you love me", so I obligingly force it, but I sound hollow and empty, but she doesnt seem to notice at all. She also does this with other things, like "It would be nice if you told me you prayed for me" (she asks me at least 5 timesa phone call), and to be honest, the more she does this, the more I feel like resisting and not saying anything. The thing is, ifI tried to explain this to mom, she would say "you hate me, you dont love me, you dont wanna talk to me", shes done that lots of times when I have tried to be honest about howshe (mom) needs to rely less on me. We used to talk 3 times a week, but I could not stand it anymore, I would feel awful after every time we talked, so for my sanity I cut it to once a week. Mom never fails to tell me how it sucks, and how she misses me, and how when she tells others that she misses me how they say they are sorry for her. If they KNEW how she was they wouldnt be saying that!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! Sorry, its just been a real trial tryin to deal here. I mean I am dealing the best I can, and I am trying to "wean" her off of me here, and its hard to, but Im tryin, and so I cut it back.

[sage]

Galadriel, I think the best thing to do is to take a firm "I-position" with your mother. Decide what you will and will not do, based on your own logic, your own life and your own sanity. Then you need to figure out how to deal with your own emotions and anxiety when she starts with her (inappropriate) emotional reactivity toward you. So she whines and freaks out - so what. She's not you, and you're not her. I know this is hard with parents, but the best thing to do is to see yourself as a separate person, rather than a conjoined (emotional) twin with her. Just cuz she gets upset doesn't mean you have to. The trick is to stay in calm communication with her, even though she's upset. (Cutting off contact with her is the worst thing you can do - especially as a phobic, trust me.)


Let's take the "I love you" stuff. GAK - I go through this with couples all the time (interesting huh? - she's set up a spousal relationship with you somehow...hmmm...anyway - ) Say, "Mom, when you say I love you is that a statement or a question?" If she says "statement" then inform her that this is interesting, cuz she's using it as a question, demanding an "answer". If she admits it a statement, or either way, ask her to please put it in the form of a question from now on. "Do you love me?" Then it's easier to answer, "yes mom", and not so manipulative from her. After she asks it enough times (and remind her each time she changes it to a statement to change it back to a question)...then ask her eventually, "mom - why do you need to know the answer to the same question over and over? how many times do you need to hear the same answer to the same question?". Let her know (eventually) that she seems pretty needy to you. Perhaps she should look into that. Again, the trick is to be "a non-anxious presence" or what I call "in calm communication".


As to the praying, it's the same thing. Make her ask questions instead of making statements. "Do you pray for me?" "yes, mom".


Family members who try to re-define others rather than define themselves are exceptionally needy individuals. Not very emotionally healthy. Trying to force another's behavior, including what they say, is indicative of not being self-defined at all.


If you can shift your behavior just a bit by this kind of calm communication, as well as showing that you genuinely care about your mom, but you are still not going to put up with this stuff, then eventually she will have to "grow up". Meanwhile, take a position and stick to it calmly - for the sake of your own sanity.

[Galadriel]

Hello Sage!


Yes my mom is obviously a very needy person, and it is obvious to me that she is putting things on me that she shouldn't. I have decided that I am going to (must have) my own life, and that she is not going to live with me or near me, because that would wreck my life (have I told you she wants (plans on) living with me when she gets a little older?) I told her no to that, and she seems to have dropped it for now.


About the 'I love you thing' well, sometimes she does it in that way (saying 'I love you' and expecting an answer) and sometimes she goes 'do you love me?' so she does both really, and to be honest I don't feel like replying back to either one that I do, but I have to say yes of course. She asks me a lot 'do you pray for me for safe travel? and the same thing, I get tired of feeling like Im in aposition where I feel I have to say oblidgingly 'yes'.I feel like she keeps trappin me or manipulatin me into a position where I have to say what she wants me to say. Its very difficult.


I have told her that she needs to not be so dependant on me, and when I talk to her, I do try my best to remain calm, I mean shes there cryin and carryin on and all this, and Im just doin my best to be calm. Its made me upset a few times. Edited by: Galadriel

[Galadriel]

sorry...just bumpin this up a bit! [img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]