My very first emet-attack/help!

[[none]]

My first memory of an emet-attack was when I was 14.It was my birthday and I was sitting with my parents at a steak house. Our floor was overlooking another floor. I randomly started thinking about how if i/someome were sick, the people down from us would get quite a suprise if i were to chose their direction for release. I started obsessing over scenarios. My meal came andifeel awefully ill. I push people out of my way to go to the bathroom,blackout andfall to the floor. I get up and make my way to the bathroom. I amVIOLENTLY shaking andsweating. I start tocry heavily(at that time i did not know why) and wish my death. I DO NOTand WILL NOT be sick.I locked the bathroom door so no one could get in and thrash myself around the bathroom thinking that I am going to V* myself to death. I never was sick because I would not allow myself to be.Ever since that dayi have had thisEXTREME problem.There is no initial trigger but it has been greatly influencedfor the worse through media. In my head v*ing to meleads to death. I would rather go to the hospital and have my stomach pumped(unconciously due to drugs) than naturally v*. It is getting dangerousfor my healthbecause I take copious amounts of drugs(clonazapam, pepto bismol, tums, zoplicone (at times i take ALL of this)to prevent it. I CANNOT v* i WILL NOT do it! I am nauseous (no less) than 15 to 24 hours a day. I suffer from EXTREME anxiety which causes even more turmoil.


I also find that I have developed anobsession over v*. I find myself browsing the internet for pictures of other people v*ing, and at timesvideos (NEVER with the sound). I talk about itoften, i lie to people and tell them i v*ed, i pretend that i am "normal", i am greatly embarrassed about being emet. It isnt ruining my life, it HAS ruined my life. I have tried many ways to cure myself fromexposing myself, selfinducing etc, NOTHING has worked.


I am looking for someone to share their fear and friendship with me. It is important to me that I can talk tosomeone when I feel the worst, and to help someomewhen they do. I am looking for a friend who i can finally share an unusual lifestyle with.

[pidgit]

Hi,

Well most of us here have been in the same situation as you at least once. First of all, fearing v* is nothing to be embarassed about. I know that some people will just not understand. So let them be and avoid talking about it with people who don't understand how we can feel.

Secondly, don't force yourself (self-inducing, exposure to v* pics/real) it will only make your fear worse. However, if you ever have to v*, tell yourself that it's just your body trying to get rid of matter which is either toxic or of no use to you. This cannot kill you. I know that saying all this is easy, but you really need to relax and think less about it.

When you feel nauseous, go out for a walk. I often do this and it really helps--you catch a breath of fresh air, plus you can focus (automatically) on other things and not think about feeling sick. Try to replace the above-mentioned drugs with mint candy (here in France we have these mint candies called "pastilles de Vichy" which are digestive and can also get rid of nausea, but tic-tacs are a good option too), in case of nausea.

Tell yourself that you are not the only one to have panic attacks, nausea and a morbid obsession over v*. But I feel that if you abstain from exposing yourself to pictures of v* or forcing yourself to v*, you will feel a bit more relaxed. In the meantime, you can continue with your hand-washing, germ-extinguising rituals.

Anyway, we are all here to listen to you and to give you support. After all, we're all sailing in the same boat.

[ontariogirl]

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