Depressed

[californiagirl]

Hi guys,


I hate to be a "downer", but could really use some support right now. I am sooooo depressed. I cry alot, and just feel likerunning away. I am ALWAYS surrounded by someone, mostly people I love, but I just wanna drive away and be alone for a few days.


Hubby is a cold-blooded ass. He was getting nicer (attitude-wise), then now he's a jerk again. I am 39 years old, and beg him to show me affection, like hugs, DECENT kisses, nice words, etc., and I beg him to pay attention to me, ask him if he wants me and stuff. I'm f**king pathetic! I feel that I will never be what he wants, or anyone else for that matter. He will MAKE TIME in his "busy" day to watch a stupid game on TV, go over the checkbook in detail, etc., but can't find 15 seconds in his day to give me a hug that he knows I need so bad. I swear, ever since my mom died, I can't shake this feeling of "life sucks", ya know? I had a hard time on Easter, remembering when I used to dress my kids up in cute outfits when they were little, and going to my mom's and grandma's to visit, they're both gone now, and I can't handle this. I miss my kids being little, my mom, and just the way life used to be. Also, hubby didn't give me a card or Easter Lillies or ANYTHING on Easter, just said a half-assed "Happy Easter". I made a nice dinner and made sure the day was special for my daughter. I would have liked something from hubby too. I invited my sons over, but they couldn't come, so that made me sad too.


Well, I just feel that I need time to myself, to work things out in my head. No hubby, no kids, no nobody around me at all. Is that selfish? Sometimes I even feel that I could SO EASILY make it all go away--end it all. One minute, alive, and literally the next minute, peace. The ONLY thing stopping me is my daughter. She couldn't live without me. I feel that hubby would be relieved though, you know, I'd finally be quiet because I'd be gone. I really feel this way, and cry and feel frustrated because I can't do this, I have to stay here and be a mom. I can't cry in front of her because it makes her sad too. I miss my mom sooooooooo much, it hurts sooooo bad. Hubby is a prick but I love him for the times he isn't being one, and I DON'T wanna go through another divorce, but I need love also. I just need to clear my head! SOmetimes I'm even afraid to sleep at night, for fear that I'll wake up and end it all, without really thinking about it. I hate when I feel like this, but it's happening more often now, and I can't cope, I'm afraid.


I'm sorry for this, I really do try to be a good person to people who need me, but I need people too, and just can't find it in hubby, and mom's gone. When I feel like this, I either am very sad and withdrawn, or turn into a b**ch to everyone. I'm lost.

[silver]

First of all, you don't need to appologize for anything, your feelings are valid because they are what you are feeling. We are all here to help each other through and there is nothing selfish about asking for a little compassion and help. Spending sometime to yourself sounds like a great idea, maybe time to reflect, write in a journal, do something you enjoy, read, etc...depression is a long dark trap. I can't imagine how incredibly hard it must be for you right now losing your Mom, it must also be hard to have a husband that doesn't show any affection...you deserve better, but that is your choice, not anyone elses. Is there maybe something that you and your daughter could start doing together??maybe an outdoor activity, or a movie night, or making a scrapbook of your mother and sharing your wonderful memories with your daughter?? I know that it is so hard when you are stuck in depression...do you have anyone to talk to about it?? a good friend maybe?? we are here for you... I am sorry that you are going through such a rough time right now.

[daffodil]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I think I can understand to a certain extent. I don't know what else to say, other than keep sharing with us, don't give up!
There are people here who care, and will be here for you.

[suze]

Silver gives some good advice here. The only advice I can offer are words given to me by a therapist who I visited a couple of times when my marriage broke up. She told me that a person's utmost priority should be their own emotional well-being. I think you need to think long and hard about your future, I know where you're coming from, I'm the same age. You could have a good 40-50 years ahead of you, one shot, make the most of it. You say you don't want a divorce but do you also want to stay in this relationship for the rest of your days. Think hard and find the courage to make positive changes - you may have a traumatic year or so, but at least you have a chance to make the rest of life happy. Believe me, I did this 18 months ago, and I have found someone who loves me just for being me, I've found my soulmate. I'm not happy 24/7 but I'm content with my lot, which will do for me.


I'm sorry you feel so bad, and you clearly still grieve over your mother, but you have a future ahead of you and you owe it to yourself to make the most of it. Do one thing tomorrow which makes you feel good about yourself, just one small thing. Postive steps only need to be small, but do think hard about the next half of your life and how you want it to be. You are in control. Good luck!

[californiagirl]

You guys -- reading your replies made me cry--you don't even know me and you truly care!!!! Thank you so much!


SILVER~~ Making a scrapbook of my Mom is an excellent idea, and I will definitely will do that very soon--thank you!!


DAFFODIL~~ Thank you for caring--it means sooooo much to me!


SUZE~~ You make alot of sense, thank you so much! I will probably find a way to get out by myself and just relax for a day. I really do need to clear my head, or I don't know what will happen. You'e right, I need to work on my well-being.


Thank you all!!!!

[reblynd]

CHARLENE...I am soooo sorry you are having such a tough time now. What about going to counceling? Do you think that is an option? I think everyone deserves a liitle alone time...we all need it. Do you live near any other family members? I will be thinking of you and pm me if you need to...take care of yourself!!!

[californiagirl]

Thank you REBLYND, that means alot to me. Yeh, I will get counselling. Hubby won't, but I will, for myself.

[tcsarah]

I'm so sorry you are feeling so low Charlene. You have been going through a lot lately so are bound to be at a low ebb. I know you have been having problems with your husband for a while now - did you ever give him the ultimatum of marriage counselling or you leaving? I know it's a drastic step but he's been making you so miserable lately you really do need to think about your own wellbeing and happiness.


I know the pain you feel of missing your mom. I lost my mum many years ago now, but still miss her. It does get easier with time, the pain and emptiness you feel now when you think of your mom will gradually fade and be replaced by warmth and happiness when you think of all the wonderful times you shared and realise you've been left with so many cherished memories. I really recommend doing a scrapbook of your mom like Silver suggested. I've just made a big album up of my Grandma who died last month, and it has helped with the grieving process. Maybe your daughter could help you and you can share stories and memories with her of her Grandma whilst you are doing it.


Take care {{{Hugs}}}


Tracey

[lostangeleno]

Charlene,



I am so glad to hear that you are open to professional
counseling. That, more than anything, will start you down the
road to mental and emotional health. It may also help you make
that decision about divorce. Something *I* learned from therapy
is that it's never good to make decisions or seriously think about
something when you're too emotional, because your thinking tends to be
inefficient and pessimistic--you're less aware of all your options and
the quality of the decisions you make when you're emotional isn't as
good as when you're calm. I think we've all experienced that!



Best of luck to you. Keep us posted.



LostAngeleno

[kutekim1217]

How old are your kids? Im sorry you're so down but it seems you have every reason to, your husband sounds like a jerk, Im sorry, he doesnt deserve you. Go take that little holiday, have some fun, leave him to run the house for a few days, maybe you'll see a change in him when you get back. Kim

[californiagirl]

kutekim1217~~~ My kids are 19, 17, and 15. My boys, the 2 older ones, don't live with me, but my 15 yr. old daughter does. My sons just came over to my house, and we watched home movies of when they were all toddkers--I almost started crying!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss my "babies" sooo much! You're right, I do think I need to go away for a few days and let him think!!


lostangeleno~~~ I do need prof. help. Hubby won;t go, even though he has lots of "issues" himself, but he's stubborn!! If I get counseling, I figure that I will become stronger and bring more positive to the marriage, or I will become strong enough to leave him. I can't make the decision to leave him now, in all this mess, bacause there may be a chance to make things better w/counselling. If not, then I'll know that it won't work, and will be strong enough to leave.


tcsarah~~~ Yes, hubby and I have been having problem for a looong time. I do miss my Mom horribly, so bad sometimes, that I wanna go to "heaven" to be with her!! I am also sorry to hear about your Mom and Grandma--I know it's sooooo hard!!! I just wanna go back in time when everyone I loved was alive. I'm having a really hard time with this.


Thank you so much everyone! I have figured out one thing: It seems that everyone I love so much has either left me, died, or hurt me (abuse). I just wanna LIVE, and be happy and secure, ya know? I have deep issues, and need to get them under control before I take myself away from my daughter---I am so scared of getting to that point where I will do something drastic withput thinking of the consequences.