feeling very low

[daffodil]

Feeling like this is all too much. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I'm so tired. This constant anxiety is exhausting.
If I didn't have my kids, I think I might end it. I don't know what is worse, my kids having a screwed up mom who is always cranky and preoccupied, or losing me early on, when it might be less traumatic for them. Even thinking this way makes me so sad. My girls deserve a mom who is sane and reasonable. I dont think I am either right now. I don't know what to do. I am looking for a therapist, but I don't know how much more of this I can take.

[suze]

Daffodil, please don't think even for one minute that your kids would be better off without you. I feel like you too every now and then, and the same dark thoughts go through my head, but you should only need to look at your kids and how much they need you to realise that this is not the option. You'd be surpised at how sane and reasonable you seem to them, and it's good for them to see you grumpy, anxious, upsetetc. at times. A therapist told me once that the kids who end up most screwed up are those who have had a "super mum". Life is full of anxious and upsetting moments and kids need to see that it's ok to get upset, angry etc so that they too feel alright about expressing these emotions when they're adults.


I think a therapist would be good, or even talk to your doctor. I have found that one way to take control of this is to push myself a little bit further every now and then. Do something you wouldn't normally do because of your emet e.g. have a glass of wine, eat a MacDonald's etc. When you see that nothing bad happens, write the experience down and remember it. This way you build up a host of positive experiences which will build your confidence.


I have started doing this recently ever since my kids got a sv. I knew it was going round the school and the town and I worried for weeks, I mean real worry and panic! Anyway, they got it anyway, despite the worry, and I got to thinking that the outcome was the same worrying or not, so why did I waste so much energy on something I couldn't control? I'm not even going to count the kids coming out of school anymore, or find out why so and so is absent because all this does is increase my anxiety but doesn't affect the outcome - what's the point of that?


Anyway, sorry, this isn't about me, but this fear will only control you if you let it. Try and do something positive to beat this. And remember, to your kids, you are wonderful even if you don't think it yourself. Good luck!

[lgood22573]

Daffodil- I think you should make finding a therapist your first priority.
Maybe you could do that today. That in itself, will give you some hope.
You owe it to yourself and your children to be around for a long time and
emotionally healthy. Ending it early would traumatize your children for
their entire lives, pls don't even think that way. You can get help, and you
can get better - you just need some hope.

[hippychick]

Hey,


My Dad committed suicide when I was 10 years old and my sister was 6 because he thought we would all be better off without him and his depression. He was very badly wrong, it's affected my entire life. Being young doesn't make it good or easy to live with. Reach out and grab help, I know how exhuasting this all is and how hard it is to keep fighting but you can do it honey, don't think those girls would be better off without their mum because it just isn't true.


xxxxxx

[daffodil]

Thank you for all your kind, sensible replies. You guys have helped me to put things in perspective. I really do want to stick around and see my daughters grow up. And besides, I'm too much of a control freak to think of someone else raising them. Again, thanks.

[sage]

I know it can be so totally life-controlling. It takes over everything. I guess I forget that. It's enlightening to come on here and really hear peoples' pain so clearly....that kind of pain has faded away for me. And it can for you too. My kids are 31, 24 and 21 now and they're great human beings with no major issues, great lives and we all get along famously. It was so worth sticking around for, and the peace and joy I feel now. It's hard to describe.


I agree that looking for a therapist intensively might be a thing to do today. It's a positive step forward. Also, talking to your doctor about some anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication might be an idea. Maybe you're on it already, I dunno. But when you're thinking of ending it all, that's a pretty good sign that some chemicals are not happening in your brain the way they should be. Perhaps think about that too.


Allthe best - keep up hope!

[lilkat]

Daffodil, YOU ARE LOVED!![img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]