figured out what I am afraid of

[mjewell]

****KINDA GRAPHIC*****


So last weekend I was eating a Triscuit cracker and I accidentally inhaled a part of it and started choking. I immediately ran into the bathroom to get a drink out of the sink, but I was choking so bad the water wasn't helping. Every time I would cough i would just gag and the piece that was stuck couldn't come out. I was gagging and heaving so much that my ribs and my throat were killing me. a non-emet probably would have tossed their cookies but my body is so trained to hold it back that I just heave and heave with no result.


It is that awful harsh gagging/heaving feeling that I hate most about V*. Sure, the stuff coming up is nasty, but all I could thnk that the moment I was choking was "please just come up so i can quit gagging!!" It was awful. Every time I V*, it is such a long process, about 20 minutes of heaving on and off, insted of just getting it over and done with. I guess that is why I hate it so much. it is always a long awful process for me, and it is the gagging I hate because I do it so forcefuly that it hurts my throat and ribs.

[sheri-baby]

that must be such a releif to know what you're afraid of!...i'm pretty sure i'm more freaked out by the thought of endless nausea more than anything....but i still cannot pinpont ny fear exactly, becareful next time you eat a triscuit![img]smileys/smilies_04.gif[/img]

[mjewell]

Hi sheri -


LOL, well i wouldn't exactly say it was a relief because there isn't really a way to treat my vomiting technique!! But at least I know that is the worst part...if I could just stop gagging...[img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]

[donna1216]

For me, it's not the gagging, it is the stuff coming out. I figured that out last year when I was pregnant and had a migraine that was so bad it made me retch. I was so glad that nothing came out!!! THat's interesting that emets are afraid of different aspects of v'ing.

[crimgoddess]

Question- has it always been a long process for you, or has this started to happen after your emet developped? I know for myself, vomitting lasts a few minutes at most, then it's done. But then again, I don't fear the process, and let it happen with minimal fight. Is the fear making you try to hold it in, which means that your body has to work a lot harder to get everything out? It must be a major conflict- your mind is telling your body "don't you DARE vomit", and your body is saying "what the hell? this stuff needs to come out!".


Glad that you made this revelation! For me, it is the complete opposite- I only fear the vomit itself- I don't care what made the person vomit, or how they are vomitting.


So many variations!


*amber*

[mjewell]

Donna - if I only gagged once or twice and nothing came out,I would be elated, but heaving forever is so uncomfortable, I would definitely choose vomit over that.


Amber - I have been an emet as long as I can remember and every time I puke (or don't puke for that matter) it is the same way. The only times there has been no struggle was when i was REALLY drunk.


I don't think I am consciously holding it back though, otherwise I wouldn't even let the heaving happen, you know? I actually WANTED it to happen this time cause I was choking, and it still wouldn't come up, it was so weird.

[kellybean]

I feel the same as you Donna. Last time I came close to v*ing, I was n* all night and hadn't eaten anything for probably about 24 hours. Finallywhen I was gagging and wretching, I was really happy that nothing came out, and it made that experience not so bad.

[dreamer]

When I'm at the gagging and heaving stage, I actually WANT it tocome out so that I can getit over with. It's interesting how our fear has these different aspects. As much as I hate the actual act of v*ing, the bit just before it is the most terrifying for me - the n*,the anticipation, the panic, the waiting for "that" feeling.By the time I'm hanging over the toilet, I'm resigned to my "fate".


And does anyone else have this - after years of fighting the v*ing urge, I now find that after I do v*, every muscle fron my stomach to my jaw hurts!

[mjewell]

When I'm at the gagging and heaving stage, I actually WANT it tocome out so that I can getit over with. It's interesting how our fear has these different aspects. As much as I hate the actual act of v*ing, the bit just before it is the most terrifying for me - the n*,the anticipation, the panic, the waiting for "that" feeling.By the time I'm hanging over the toilet, I'm resigned to my "fate".


And does anyone else have this - after years of fighting the v*ing urge, I now find that after I do v*, every muscle fron my stomach to my jaw hurts!

YES YES AND YES!!!!! This is 100% me. My ribs and throat hurt for like three hours after this choking session. And it is all about getting it over with for me too. Hate hate hate the moments leading up to it.

[jodi054]

yes gagging is that worst for me too !! [img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]

[Girlygirl1980s]

Gagging is definitely the worst part for me. I hate the feeling and the sound. I also have issues with swallowing pills and being afraid of choking, so for me, it is all in the throat.

[silver]

My variation that I am so afraid of is how afraid I will feel when it happens, the waiting, knowing that I am sick and not being able to stop... That's my biggest fear with it. Its gross, nasty, and all, but I am more afraid of what I will feel.

[kellybean]

I had a dream a couple of nights ago that I was sleeping and all of the sudden, I v*ed. No n*, no warining, just v*. It was so real, that I remember the feeling and the taste. It is still haunting me.


The whole waiting over the toilet part is bad too. YUCK!!!

[horselover]

the part of it that fears me is knwoing that i am going to v* i justs it there and wait for it. and then when i am v* im scared because when u bring it up it feels like im going to choke.


It is really weird because sometimes when i am ill i will say "oh i want to be sick because it will make me feel better" i hardly ever think that but maybe once or twice i will think it, most of the time i am terrified of it and will do anything to stop myself from v*.


Its weird how this phobia can make u feel.

[kimmyc24]

Yep I have to agree with Dreamer and MJewell. Its the heaving and gagging, and the waiting over the toilet bit. I prefer it to come straight away too, than having to sit and wait. [img]smileys/smilies_11.gif[/img]


Have any of you tried blocking your noses while you do 'it'? My dad taught me that - (GETS GRAPHIC HERE) it does help you to feel more in control and it only comes out your mouth that way, not your nose too.


This is the first thread i've read on here that actually made me feel anxious or grossed out when I've read it.. its because i'm visualising all of the situations you've all described. EEEEKKKK Its awful, awful, awful.