OPINION FROM SOMEONE WITHOUT EMET.

[silver]

I emailed my best friend because I was having the anxiety issues really badly. This is what she wrote me and her advice...I want to be able to look at it this way... Its very straight forward, but I needed to hear it. Here it is:


BY THE WAY---- You are not going to get sick. If you were, you would already have it. WhenI got the stomach flu from that little girl at the daycare, she puked on me and I was barfing that samenight. You have got to stop putting so much energy into something you cannot control. It is such a waste of your time. If you are going to get sick, you will get sick. You will not die from it. You will feel like ass for a day or two, throw up a little bit and then be fine- - Life goes on. Sure you will be out of control of your body but here is a news flash YOU ARE NOT EVER REALLY IN CONTROL OF YOUR BODY!!! It does its own thing constantly. You breathe without thinking of it, digest, pump blood, itch, twitch, blink, HUNDREDS of little things that you do not choose to do and puking is just one of those things. Your body does it to heal itself. To rid itself of something dangerous to it. You have got to stop with this stupid fear. There is so much s*** out there that you should worry more about than something that RARELY happens. I mean a normal person throws up what one or two times a year? And you give it your power every single day. It is really like you are puking all of the time because you are thinking of it so much. Maybe you should just go and eat a whole bunch of s*** that you love and can't eat because you are dieting and then go home and gag yourself one time just to get it over with. Therepitic bullemia or some s***

[babygap5]

I agree with what she says, but that's what all anti-emet's say. It's very easy for her to say it, she isn't living it. We ALL UNDERSTAND everything she pointed out, but, if she feared something, would she appreciate basically being "yelled" at? I don't think she would. My advice to you in overcoming this fear, take baby steps. Small accomplishments in emet world mean more to us than any person's advice. My hubby v* earlier this week from a migraine. Instead of me running out of the house screaming (which I've done in the past), I stayed in the house and covered my ears. Yes, I could still hear him getting sick, but I didn't run away. I also didn't run to my mom's house for fear that he had a sv instead of his usual migraine. I stayed and felt proud of myself. Those are the kinds of actions that can help us all overcome this fear.


Your friend has a right to her opinion, she is correct in saying that putting energy into it doesn't help it, but, what she doesn't understand, this is a fear, just like any other fear out there. I'm assuming she doesn't have a fear of anything since her tone seemed very harsh.


I hope my post doesn't offend you or your friend, but, it just seems to me she would rather talk down to you than try to encourage you to take little steps to overcome this.


Judy Edited by: babygap5

[PhilB]

That's typical of an non-emet. While it is very true what she says, it important to note that non-emet may have "issues" that seems trivial or even stupid to us.

Yes, you have to try to give it less attention and use your time to do something distracting that will take the focus away from feeling the emet thing. I personally have started doing sports and it has helped soooooo much.
While I'm hitting a ball, I do not think about being sick and so on.I'm up to a point now that I'm going to stop coming here because I don't benefit from it anymore.

Use what works for you but the bottom line is she's absolutely right even if she was a bit rough saying it.

[kate1966]

Yes, very blunt...but you know what...it really is true...i think this way alot too....just get so f*** tired of being scared all the time....so in reality it is good advice...alittle hard for some i am sure..but really she has a good point. There is really nothing we can do about V......absolutely nothing. So, we should live our lives to our best ability and that's all we can do!!!!!

[daffodil]

I wish I could feel so casual about it all. It is so fascinating to me to hear how non emet people think about this stuff, because I have never been a non emet. Well, maybe as a very small child, but you all get it.

[6pksummer]

The email she wrote is very true, but I agree...something a non- emet would say. Its easy for someone that doesn't fear v* to be like that. I can't control what I think...when I hear about someone being sick...or see v*, my mind takes over...I have no control, and I go into panick attacks.


Your friend needs to realize that your an emet...and she needs to just give you positive feedback...She needs to be there for you...even if she thinks its a waste of time...and to me it is, but again, I have no control over it

[crimgoddess]

I think's it's great that you have a friend who can give you such brutal honesty when it is needed. I think that occasionally people who care about you can often sugar-coat things (oh, it's okay that you acted this way), or indulge emet-related behaviour. I know the intentions are often in the right place, but damn, there are more constructive ways of providing support.


You know what? Many people are saying "oh COURSE a non-emet would say that"- but I do have this fear and say the same thing too! (with the exception of maybe the last two sentences). In fact, when I am hitting a rough patch, I try to say stuff like that to myself to try and make me see how friggin' stupid it is to have this fear. I try to get that logical side of my brain to give my illogical side a swift kick in the rear, because it is completely ridiculous to fear A) something that doesn't affect me physically, and B) broken-down food and stomach acids. (NOTE: I only fear others being sick, when I do it, it is absolutely of no concern to me, which makes this fear even MORE stupid). I refuse to believe that I have no control over mythoughts and my actions- so I fight it when I start to feel the panic overcome me.


Yes, people shouldunderstand that this causes a lot of anxiety. Silver, I think your friend does 'get' that aspect, and it's obvious that she cares about you because people generally don't get upset or take the time to write something like that if they didn't care about you, or didnt want what was best for you. Yes, the message is very strong and some may construe it as harsh, but I think its likely because she is frustrated by how this fear is affecting you.


*amber*

[japa]

I like her sentence that says, "it's really like you are pukingall of the timebecause you are thinking about it so much." That's really true.

[kellybean]

Wow, she's so right, except for the binge thing.

[samara's on tv]

I agree with her for the most part. She's right, our body's do a hundred things that we aren't in control of (although you can control your breathing...it's mostly involentary but you can control it) but there are a lot of things you can't control. And it is true that we're almost puking all the time because we think about it so much. Like everyone else I'm always amazed at how non emets think. Like my sister, she'll eat anything and not even give it a second thought. Me on the other hand, I always order the SAME food EVERY saturday when we get Chinese. My theory? If I've eaten it X many times before and not gotten sick, then I can eat it now. I'm weird.


~Monica

[madisonsmom]

My husband reiterates the same thing to me. He is supportive to a point but tells me like it is. He has helped me tremendously in trying to think in a different way. He believes its all about the subconscious mind.

[sage]

she's not saying anything that's wrong or untrue. And she's done a great job of being "frank and blunt" with your neo-cortex (logic centre). Now if only she could figure out a way to tell it to your amygdala (fear centre).

[daffodil]

I wonder if you had an intense phobia of spiders or snakes or dogs or something if your friend would have been as harsh. It seems to me that there are a lot of socially acceptable things to fear, but our phobia is not one of them, and as a result, our friends and family can be very insensitive about it. I think a lot of the things she said were true, but not stated very nicely. Is it really helping a person who suffers from a phobia to try the tough-love, listen-to-reason tactic? Phobias are not reasonable or rational things. I would bet that if it were possible to reason your way out of it, most of us would be cured.

[shiva]

I don't really think it was harsh at all. I think that it shows that she cares a lot about you and wants you to LIVE and enjoy LIFE. It's all true except the last sentence is kinda ignorant, but I think she's just being humorous there anyway.

[junglemonkey]

she's not saying anything that's wrong or untrue. And she's done a great job of being "frank and blunt" with your neo-cortex (logic centre). Now if only she could figure out a way to tell it to your amygdala (fear centre).

Too true.


If emet was a logical illness, we'd have no problem, because we all fundamentally understand there is nothing harmful or dangerous about v*ing - it's a completley irrational fear. It's a very basic, ancient fear response, and it's hard to rationalisewith one ofthe most primal, ancient parts of your brain.

[Galadriel]

I'm in the "its true, but she needn't be so harsh about it" camp.


I fully agree and can logically understand exactly what she is saying (except about the whole binge and v* thing, that was cruel). Thats the thing, phobias aren't rational. Someone could yell at me "stop thinking about this stupid phobia!" till they were blue in the face, and thats the thing is the fear center of the brain just does not jive with the logical center.


I think making progress in small steps is the best way, and having encouragement along the way of making those steps. I can't think of a time when harshness actually helped. Then again everyone is different, and what helps one may not be the trick for another. Edited by: Galadriel

[sassenacch]

i completely agree with you, galadriel, & daffodil. i understand & agree with everything she wrote & yes, sometimes i feel like sticking my finger down my throat to just get it over with because i hate so much being afraid of it. but i also think that no matter what, whether people are telling you the truth or something else, it's just so easy to say, as opposed to living it.

[dord]

Iam quite sure that you hadnomoment of enlightmentreading her note to you.We allknow that vomit isn't going to kill us and all of us will do it again at some point in our lives. Our husbands will be sick, our kids will be sick, our grandkids will be sick. We can all rationalize this, we've thrown up before and we've lived to see another day. I couldn't even explain to someone why I fear it or what I am afraid of.Ididn't have any traumatic experience,I don't have control issues or any other possible explanation that the psych's like to give.I consider myself an intelligent and strong woman so it's hard for me to understandwhy do I fear this. I have been afraid for many years even though I feel the times I've gotten sick weren't really all that bad;however,let me be within ear shot of someone talking about how sick they were and I begin to panic.Herwordsdefinitely come from someone luckyenough NOT to have this phobia but she definitely cares about you and wants you to quit spending so much of life worrying about it. I wish that all of us here on this board would quit wasting so much of our lives worrying about getting sick.Having this phobia is such a waste of time isn't it?

[sassenacch]

right on, dord.

[aguerra29]

Telling me that this fear is irrational and stupid isn't going to make me wake-up tomorrrow a non-emet. It doesn't work that way - much to the disappointment of my husband. I hear those words from him all the time. My husband will not indulge me with this phobia. He gets mad if he sees me examing my food, he monitors my anti-bacterial usage, he yells at me when I do something utterly stupid because of emet. He would never think about sleeping in a different room if he was sick. He's not going to enable me to have this phobia - tough love - that's what he calls it.

As long as your friend doesn't really believe that telling you that is going to fix anything then she can tell you all day long. The phobia is much deeper than "Oh yeah, vomiting isn't the end of the world. Thanks so much for clearing that up for me" If it were that easy, we wouldn't be on this website!

[sassenacch]

aguerra29, does this ever make you angry? i think i would get incredibly frustrated if i were you, probably as much as your husband is because of your emet. i think that the only reason my boyfriend is fairly supportive of me is because he has a raging fear of dark water - can't even watch the discovery channel without covering his eyes half the time so we balance out, he deals with my emet & i deal with his dark-water issue.


:P

[silver]

Dord- You hit the absolute nail on the head (so-to-speak) of exactly how I feel about all of this...It is frustrating and an absolute waste of time as all of us agree. I think that we have all conquered many things in our lives and are frustrated because we feel like we just can't quite "conquer" this. I only posted what my friend had to say from an outsider perspective because its kind of interesting to hear. She is blunt...she is straighforward...she is funny...and I have never questioned the fact that she loves me and cares about me. She has always just wanted to help me. I didn't post her opinion because I felt like she was being mean or anything...It just struck me in a way because it is SO different from how we feel about it, that's all. I do agree with what she says, its just a difference of opinion.


I feel like I am getting better not because I am trying to rationalize my way out of it, but because I have finally accepted it for what it is (strange human cork) and sheerly because I have had sooo much exposure therapy lately!! I am taking it one day at a time right now. I don't fell afraid right now and its going around like crazy around here. I can't say that I won't be afraid when stress is high, but I am learning how to deal with the anxiety associated with it and not trying to avoid it. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it is working for me right now.

[Galadriel]

Telling me that this fear is irrational and stupid isn't going to make me wake-up tomorrrow a non-emet. It doesn't work that way - much to the disappointment of my husband. I hear those words from him all the time. My husband will not indulge me with this phobia. He gets mad if he sees me examing my food, he monitors my anti-bacterial usage, he yells at me when I do something utterly stupid because of emet. He would never think about sleeping in a different room if he was sick. He's not going to enable me to have this phobia - tough love - that's what he calls it.

As long as your friend doesn't really believe that telling you that is going to fix anything then she can tell you all day long. The phobia is much deeper than "Oh yeah, vomiting isn't the end of the world. Thanks so much for clearing that up for me" If it were that easy, we wouldn't be on this website!

How does your husband doing this to you make you feel? I'm sure he thinks he is helping, but sometimes this is just the thing that does not help. For instance, I have other phobias, well have had others that were enough to rival emet. I too got treated the way you are by my family, and in 18 or so years of that, it never helped me to get past the fear, it only made it worse. Now that I am with my husband who is understanding and helps me, I mean he doesn't necessarily enable me, but he helps me when I'm afraid and such, and it does really help. I have gotten past a real bad phobia I had for years with his help. Myemet is also lessened.I'm just showing that the attitude of "oh just get over it, stop being stupid," ect doesn't tend to work, at least for some people. If how he is treating you is just making it worse, it may be time for him to really sit down and listen to you. Does he have any fears of anything?