How do you get a backbone?

[Galadriel]

I'm just asking this, just because well, I'm not quite sure how.


I've always all my life had the problem of being too timid, and I am getting better, but I would like to have enough of a backbone to not take crap from anyone, and know when to not let someone walk on me.


Any suggestions? I wish there was just something I could do or some process that would make me get more of one. Its gotten to where I don't even want to bother trying to make friends, because pretty much every one has ended in me being taken advantage of somehow, and then having to bail out. The only person who has never done this to me is my husband, and he is great.


I mean are there also like warning signs with people who will take advantage? I think its best to stop it before it gets too out of hand. I seem to be a magnet for those like that. How do you not give off the "I'm timid don't hurt me" radar? I just don't know what to do. My husband says I need to be more offensive....hmm...

[crimgoddess]

lol- well, I definitely have a backbone, but my trade off is that I don't have a verbal filter, so if I'm thinking it, it will be spoken. It's good in some respects, because if someone pisses me off they are going to know about it right away. It's good because it gets things out in the open, but also bad, because it puts off a lot of people, and there are some instances when maybe I should hold my tongue, lol. I am also guilty of dropping the F-bomb in front of the elderly and children...but what can you do.


I think the only way you can develop a backbone is to be honest when you are angry about something, or feel taken advantage of. If you allow it to happen once, they will see an opening and do it again and again....You have to value yourself enough to stand up when you feel you are being mistreated.


I know, I know...easier said than done!


*amber*

[Galadriel]

Hey Amber,


Yeah your right, its just when push comes to shove you have to stand up for yourself, and it does come down to valuing yourself enough to not take stuff. I am better than I used to be (I used to have a sign on me that said "utter complete doormat", lol) but I'd like to become better. I guess its harder if you aren't naturally like that. I tend to have trouble thinking of a come back or something to say right at the instant I need to. Urgh.


I always have trouble because I keep feeling like I can't hurt or offend the other person or what if they feel bad, even though they have done something to hurt/peeve off me, I still tend to think of them first, but it gets to where sometimes you need to just tell them to back off or what have you and not think of them first.

[crimgoddess]

Yep...you have to become your own #1 advocat. It's great to put others first in some situations, but in others, if it means that YOU will feel badly afterwards, it just doesn't work.


Goodluck...it will be hard to get used to, but eventually you will manage.


*amber*

[Galadriel]

Yeah its hard because it goes against my natural inclination, but I suppose after awhile you start to get used to it and it becomes normal to you.

[Girlygirl1980s]

Amber, you crack me up! I also have a bad habit of dropping F-bombs in inappropriate places, like in front of my parents, and yesterday in a senior living community where my husband is currently doing some construction work.


Now, Galadriel: I used to be just like you, very, very timid and would seem to let everyone take advantage of me. About four years ago, I just changed - I left my husband and moved out on my own. I went back to college to become a licensed massage therapist. Then I was in one particular relationship with a man, who was very bitter. After we broke up, I definitely had a backbone. So, I can't put my finger on what changed for me, but know that there is hope and that you can change!

[marieb73]

lol- well, I definitely have a backbone, but my trade off is that I don't have a verbal filter, so if I'm thinking it, it will be spoken. It's good in some respects, because if someone pisses me off they are going to know about it right away. It's good because it gets things out in the open, but also bad, because it puts off a lot of people, and there are some instances when maybe I should hold my tongue, lol. I am also guilty of dropping the F-bomb in front of the elderly and children...but what can you do.


I think the only way you can develop a backbone is to be honest when you are angry about something, or feel taken advantage of. If you allow it to happen once, they will see an opening and do it again and again....You have to value yourself enough to stand up when you feel you are being mistreated.


I know, I know...easier said than done!


*amber*

What's this verbal filter you speak of? Never heard of it.....[img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img] Mine was never installed either.
Edited by: marieb73

[tcsarah]

I was always so very timid-would want to say something to somebody but just daren't because of either upsetting them or if they got angry. I'd bubble away inside beating myself up saying to myself that I was so pathetic, why couldn't I just stand up for myself more. My mum was exactly the same as me - ultra sensitive and didn't want to offend anybody, but my dad is the complete opposite and will speak his mind and tell people off when they desserve it. I always wished I could be more like my dad. I've found as I've got older I've grown in confidence and have become more assertive. I used to go on courses for assertiveness in my early twenties and read countless books on improving my confidence, lol, nothing seemed to work back then!


I found accepting the phrase, "It's impossible to be universally liked" helped me - I always hated the thought of anybody disliking me, but it'sjust not possibleto please everybody all of the time. And do you know what, often when you stand up to somebody who is trying to take advantage or use you in some way they will respect you more. You'll certainly respect yourself more and feel so chuffed you spoke your mind. And the more you give as good as you get, the easier it becomes - practice makes perfect!


Oh, and if it helps, I can tell from your posts you would make a terrific friend - you are so caring and supportive, witty too -so any new friends you do make in the future who may try and take advantage of you, they are in the wrong, not you, and if they do that they are not worthbothering with! There will always be takers and users out there, they aren't worth worrying about, but there are also some lovely people out there who will give as much to a friendship as you do. These kind of friends last a lifetime. Hope I put that ok, I know what I want to say put am not too good at putting it into words, lol!

[Galadriel]

Thank you for the replies! That was sweet Tracey, I think you would make a great friend too. I enjoy all of your posts.


Yes, realizing that not everyone has to like you is a big one. I tend to want to make everyone happy all the time, and of course I then suffer in comparison.


My husband was telling me that he used to be just like me too, real timid and shy, then something just clicked for him and he became more assertive (sometimes too assertive with people! Not with me tho), but its something that just happened he said. Maybe that will happen to me. I know I am definately better about it then I was, I got rid of a friendship that was just this girl used me for years nad years, and I ended it! I was definately chuffed with myself.


Maybe after awhile you just are like no I'm not taking this anymore. I did get a workbook on assertiveness off amazon yesterday, maybe that will help some.


It doesn't seem like you can just make yourself, its almost like something has to snap in you, then you just become more assertive. I hope I grow into that more!

[csjones]

I have the same problem, Galadriel. I am actually a very loudmouthed and outgoing person (lol!) but am just too... I don't know....nice or something, to stand up for myself. I end up being taken so often. I am so afraid of being seen as a jerk and I think that if I assert myself people won't think I am nice anymore. I also seem "motherly" and want to please everyone all the time. You seem to be the same way. I really feel for you and just wanted to let you know that there are lots of people in the same boat who are trying to overcome it too!

[Galadriel]

Hello Carolyn!


Yes alas there are many of us. We need like assertive bootcamp training or something. [img]smileys/smilies_04.gif[/img]

[californiagirl]

Well, unfortunately, for me, I grew a little bit of a backbone after being a victim of physical, sexual and emotional abuse by an ex husband. I grew up in a wonderful home, had the childhood every girl dreams of, and was very timid and shy. I pretty much kept to myself, I had everything I needed at home, so I didn't make alot of friends or have to go out to have fun. When I was 15, my parents went through a HORRIBLE divorce, and I had to witness my PERFECT parents do all sorts of awful things. I came out of my shell real quick. I met a guy who wasn't nice to me, but then I married him because I got preggers. Well, that was a mistake! I trusted in him, that he'd never hurt me, so I gave him everything. He took what I gave him, and thanked me by hitting me into unconsciousness, raping me, and badgering me with mean words. I reclused, once again, into my safe haven "shell". Then I divorced him, and went to college, and made something of myself. My trust, however, wasn't given out too freely. It seemed that every time I trusted a new friend, new guy, new co-worker, it always bit me in the ass. So here I go again, keeping to myself and just not trusting anyone. So, my whole point is (sorry for the novel), I have been screwed so many times, that I am more conscious, more aware of people, I don't open up any more, and am extremely cauious of people who seem too nice. I just don't wanna get hurt anymore. So, even though I have retreated into my protective shell over and over again, I have learned valuable lessons from people and situations, and am very limited on who I'll trust, and what situations I'll trust. The good thoing is, is that I am the best friend in the world to people who trust me. I can't do to people, what people have done to me, which makes me a good person I think. My advice is, just be aware, and try to sniff out any "too good to be true" situations, and limit your "openness" to people, because the more you entrust in people, the more they can use against you later.

[princessmel]

Charlene - You are so right. When someone seems to be"good to be true", watch out b/c more than likely that person has something up their sleeve or many deep problems. I know from experience on that one. When you are around people, just feel them out at first. Don't throw yourself at them. You should be able to tell which ones are true and which ones aren't. Your gut/instinct will tell you, so don't act timid (easier said than done), just be cautious and yourself.

[suze]

I was going to suggest some sort of assertiveness course, if you can find one close to home. I think perhaps you should choose your friends carefully too; sometimes we're attracted to people who we want to be like e.g. assertive, successful etc., in the hope that some of it might rub off on us, but it rarely does. Try and find people more like you, who care about how others feel, who won't try and take advantage, and you'll be more content.


I can move on a daily basis along the assertiveness continuum. With some people, I'm timid, with others I'm a bitch (i'd just like to add that i'm only a bitch when provoked - i can't start it off!!). I can be assertive with family and people i don't care about because your family love you no matter what, and with people you don't care about, well who cares what they think! With friends though, I hold back alot because I don't want to upset them...whatever happens i'll find some way to blame myself and then i'll feel guilty - an emotion i can't abide. Then if it gets out of hand, there's a chance of rejection - and that does me over.


Oh man, i've just read that back and i sound really screwed up!!!

[confusedgirl]

I would love to be more assertive too... I am very assertive with my family, I'm just used to speaking up for myself around them. But outside of my family, I am timid and try too hard to please people I think. Though, I tend to have "assertive days" every once in a while.. like if I'm really mad at someone, or expecting a fight, I will just tell them off first. But I have to be Really mad to get to that point... I am thinking about a career in law, and I realize I need to be assertive for that... so I would really like to be more so. hmm my mom says that when she was a kid/teen she was really timid, and she is one of the most assertive people I know (she said her personality just changed as she grew up)... I just wish there was an obvious way to change into that behavior! I wish I could give some advice to this topic.