need advice asap.. don’t know what to do

[blondie90]

this will be long but please read it, i need any advice i can get:


i've been with my boyfriend mike for three and a half years and about two years ago, he cheated on me with his next door neighbor. it broke my heart but i forgave him because i knew he was sincerely sorry about it. it was so hard to get over it, considering they live 20 ft. from eachother, but eventually i did. maybe i'm just making excuses but i almost feel like the situation brought us a lot closer in the end. things have been fine since then; we argue from time to time but who doesn't? i've been having a lot of issues with my friends and he's been there every step of the way. he went to cancun in mid-april with his friends from school and i wasn't worried at all. to be honest, the thought of him hookingup with somebody elsenever even crossed my mind. i'm not really a pushy, needy, whiney person, so i didn't give him a hard time or question him when he got home. on memorial day last monday, i went to a bbq at my friend dans house and dan's older brother jason let it slip thatmike met some girl on the dance floor in some club, and ended up hooking up AT the club in front of hundreds of people (they did more than kiss, not that that matters) and jason tried to justify his huge mistake by saying "well mike was really drunk, he barely even remembered the next day..." then he begged me not to tell mike that he told me, and that he didn't mean to let it slip, and i was in such shock and so angry that i didn't say anything. (i've barely left my bed in a week, couldn't even get the energy and will to come here and type this!) this past friday night, i was hanging out with a guy, rich, thati've been friends with for a while and has openly had a crush on me since we were little kids. i don't know what came over me, but we ended up spending the night together. i cannot even tell you how guilty i feel. and i know i shouldn't, mike cheated first, but two wrongs don't make a right. my mom and my best friend think i need to talk to mike and tell him that i know everything, and naturally they want me to end things with him. i just never, ever thought i'd be without him. i have never been this confused in my entire life. i can't stop crying and i'm making myself feel n* over this whole thing. things just don't feel right with him anymore, i can't even look at him without wanting to die, and he has no idea. and to make matters worse, the time i spent with rich (the other guy) made me forget everything else. it was truly the one of the greatest moments of my life and it just felt so natural and like this is how it's supposed to be. i really don't know anymore. i know i need to talk to mike i just don't know what to say. you'd think i wouldn't be so afraid to talk to the guy i've been with for over three years.well, thanks for reading this, and if you have any advice, please share with me! i am just so lost.[img]smileys/smilies_09.gif[/img]


Kristina <3

[taffy]

Wow, I am sorry you are going through such tough times. You know what you have to do. I think you are waiting for someone to confirm it. You know your boyfriend will continue to disrespect you if you let him. Hopefully his excuses will not get more rediculous and hestarts to blame you for his bad deeds. Whatever decision you make, you always have friends here!

[daffodil]

Wow. It sounds like you need to take some time out and think about what you really want. If it were me, I would have a hard time forgiving your boyfriend for a second time. It might not be a great idea to jump from one relationship to another. But only you know what feels right to you. If the new guy makes you happy, then go for it. I just think you need to do some serious thinking about what is going to make you happy. Nobody else can tell you what is best for you. Sorry if this is not much help. I know from experience how hard it is to end a long term relationship. I was with a guy for 5 years, and when we ended it, I was devastated, and confused, and my whole world was turned upside down, because he was so much a part of my life. I could not imagine life without him. But I ended up moving to a different city, stayed with my mom for 6 months, and started a new life. I remember that time fondly, because although it was really hard, I finally got to figure out who I was without this other person. I made new friends, and met my now husband. I think sometimes when we are in a relationship with someone for a long time, we can forget who we are as a seperate person, and it is good to take a step back and figure out where they end and you begin.
I know this is such a hard time, but whatever you decide, you will come out stronger for having gotten through it. Best of luck.

[suze]

I can forgive one indiscretion, everyone makes mistakes, but to do it twice, drunk or not, shows signs that your guy has little respect for you and your relationship. I know it's hard to hear but if he's done it twice, he'll do it again. When you confront him, he'll be full of remorse, promise you it won't happen again, beg your forgiveness. Once he's comfortable again though that you trust him, he'll grab the next opportunity to 'reoffend'.


I think you need to be strong and move on from this.

[qpaulina42]

Hi,
What a terrible time to be going through.
I can't make any real suggestions because I don't know you or either guy, but I wanted to share a bit of personal experience.
I have always felt strongly about cheating because my dad cheated on my mom all my life (until they divorced). I started my first seriuos relationship when I was 19 and I told my guy that cheating and lieing were two things I would never forgive. We were together for 5 years. A week before our anniversary he suddenly ended it. He then moved out and started dating another girl (a coworker of his) almost immediately. They are living together now. This was just over a year ago.
At first I felt like somebody ran me over. I felt so aweful. It was terrible, and I won't get into it cause you probably feel the same way now. I was quite sure that we were going to get married etc, and then this!
Well, the thing is that after just 2 months (!) I started feeling like a new person, I mean I suddenly started realizing that it hadn't been all that good anyway for a long time now. It's like when you are in middle of it you can't see it and you don't really rock the boat cause you are used to it. But then I met someone else, someone like your rich guy who had been crushing on me for 6 years, and it all felt so natural and good. We are living together, and things are good. Whether they last or not, who knows, but I just realized that when I felt so aweful to just end this 'investment' that I had in that first guy, in the end it was the bets thing in the world. No man that cheats on you deserves you. Period. It's a deep wound, a breakup, but it will heal quicker than you can possibly imagine.
Good luck with whatever you decide!

[Girlygirl1980s]

Your story sounds like mine - I found out in November 2004 that my now husband had been cheating on me with some nasty little slut (sorry) on and off for about three months. I was just devestated. Drugs and alcohol and trying to impress his best friend at the time were all factors. Anyway, I decided to get even. I ended up sleeping with someone, whom I've known for a while. I can't tell you how horrible I felt afterwards. ThenI decided not to tell my now husband. I cheated on him only once and it was for revenge. When he cheated on me, he had absolutely no reason. As far as advice, personally I would not tell your boyfriend. It's up to you if you can trust him again or not. If you have enough self confidence, you probably can.Edited by: halfoverthefur

[blondie90]

taffy, daffodil, suze and paulina,


thank you so so so much for your replies! they have really, really helped me to put everything into perspective. it's just so hard to admit to myself that if he's done it twice then he'll do it again. initially i was worried about saying anything to him because i didn't want it to turn into a brawl and i didn't want to get his best friend, the one who told me, in trouble. but i can't worry about that anymore. it's going to have to be confronted and dealt with. as for the other guy, i don't know if it's a good idea to go from one relationship to another. it's not something i've ever done before, so i don't know. but he did tell me that he completely understands me not wanting to go from relationship to relationship and to take my time and decide what it is that i really want. i just respect him so much because i feel like so many other guys would have taken full advantage of a girl that they like who was mad at her boyfriend, ya know? he made it clear that it wasn't right for him to get in the middle of things and that nothing morecould happen between us until mike and i are over and i'm ready to move on. i won't see mike until tomorrow (wednesday) because we're both working different hours and i have plans with friends tonight. he keeps calling though and i'm not answering. should i be? i don't know. my mom, who was very worried about me, is tellling me to answer and just tell him we need to have a serious talk tomorrow, and let him spend the rest of the day sweating and worrying about it :-) so i think i may do that. thanks again for you replies. it's so nice to know i have friends here and that we can talk about more than emet!


kristina <3

[kate1966]

Well, i'm alittle late in posting here...but i have been in a similar situation.....well my husband cheated on me twice...and i caught him twice, but we are still together....and i don't trust him any further than i can throw him either. We have been married for 17 yrs now and have 2 kids together. I know it's hard to break away, but you probably will be much better off and happier if youjust do it now. From my own experience i know i will never trust my husband again, and i will always wonder what he is doing and with who...also, he killed all my feelings for him...i think the only reason i am still with him is b/c of the kids...and really that's no excuse either...just too damn scared to try to make it on my own i guess...who knows..but to get to my point here...i ended up being friends with a guy, and yeah i felt alittle guilty but not enough to tell my husband...don't do that....it will serve no purpose really. Just keep that to yourself and go on with your life....i think you are young enough to still go out and enjoy yourself....and not be tied down anyway...good luck to you and i hope things work out the way you want them.....

[qpaulina42]

kristina,
good luck! let us know how it turns out!

[jodi054]

good luck !![img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[blondie90]

kate, thanks for sharing that story with me. i'm sure you're strong enough to make it on your own but i see why you're doing this for your children. divorce must be incredibly hard on kids so i understand where you're coming from. i finally talked to mike and i told him that we need to talk tomorrow, and he knows that something is up. he kept telling me he'd leave work early and come over, or visit me at work tonight, he definitely knows that i'm upset about something. i guess i'm just going to tell him that i know everything, and that it breaks my heart that he'd do something like this to me, again, and i need to end things to keep my own self-respect and avoid this happening a third time. hopefully he won't show up at my work tonight, i waitress at a little restaurant near my house so he obviously could visit if he wanted to. i know i'll feel a lot better once this is over, it's just sooo weird to think it's all ending so abruptly. i guess it's for the best though. thank you again everyone it really means so much to me. i'll let ya know how things go tomorrow. <3

[alwaysamber]

Once a cheater always a cheater!

[kimmyc24]

Well I actually posted on here recently (About having a rash) as I was wondering whether it was brought on by the stress of my boyfriend cheating on me (for the 2nd time in a year - that i'm aware of!)


We were at a friend of mine's party, and we both ended up chatting to this girl. Anyway I didn't think anything of it when I left the two of them chatting and went to join my friends at the barbeque. (she is SO not his type - he's fussy on appearance and body types etc).


As it turns out, the guy who's party it was had caught my boyfriend in the bathroom with this girl, her with her pants down too.. He went and told two of my best friends who weren't sure whether to tell me or not.. I saw them whispering at the fire but didn't think much of it. Then my boyfriend came over, and then shortlyafter thatthe girl. She asked US BOTH who wanted to come to the bathroom with her, and I said, no thanks i'm fine. But my boyfriend said he would go, so I said ok fine, and held his beer for him. My friends looked at me like: ARE YOU CRAZEEEEEE??? But I was none the wiser so let him go - I could see into the bathroom window from where I was standing in the garden anyway. They said - ok we'll go up there and see whats going on.


I could not believe what unfolded in front of my eyes from there: The bathroom light went on, then off. The curtains got closed. Then 2 people were peeping behind the curtains looking into the garden. Then suddenly I see the window being lifted up and Dale leaning out. (Naturally my first thought was that he was going to be sick out of the window.) But then he proceeded to climb out and down the drainpipe. He was on the 2nd floor so was a story above the ground. I screamed to him to stop but then the pipe broke and he fell to the ground.


To cut a long story short, he got kicked out of the house and is no longer welcome in that crowd of friends (its not the first time he's ruined a night out by being drunk). At first I was just worried about him, and ran outside looking for him in the street. I was so worried that he'd been hurt when he fell from the drainpipe.


I never found him and his phone was just ringing at first, then was turned off. I was gutted, absolutely devastated that he had done it TWICE, at the same party that I was at, with a 'not particularly attractive' stranger. Why couldn't he have taken ME up to the bathroom for a bit of a snog etc? Then he wouldn't have had to jump from the window when my friends called to him at the door.


Naturally all of my friends were trying to convince me to leave him, that I can do better and that I don't deserve to be treated like that etc etc all the cliches and all that.


I spent the night at my friends house, and got a message from him the next morning, saying that he had walked home and was sitting outside the house with his things all packed up. I got him to come pick me up and we just chatted and cried for ages.


The reason we are still together is because I know that he reacts VERY badly to alcohol, esp. spirits. He drinks huge amounts in a short amount of time to feel comfortable and confident enough to socialise. He is VERY insecure and doesn't feel like he fits in anywhere. If i didnt understand this about him, and no what an amazing, sensitive and caring person he is sober, I might not have given him his last chance. But i did. He knows that I told my parents about it all, and feels very ashamed and embarassed. We are going to South Africa to live with my parents for 6 months and I know he won't DARE step out of line. If he does he's on the next flight back to the UK. No more chances, but I still love him to bits and feel so right being with him still.


SORRY THIS IS SO LONG BUT THOUGHT i WOULD ADD A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE TO THINGS.


gOOD LUCK WITH YOUR DECISION, YOU WILL KNOW WHAT FEELS RIGHT DEEP DOWN. YOU NEED TO DECIDE WHETHER TO LET YOU HEAD RULE YOUR HEART OR VICE VERSA...[img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]

[blondie90]

kimmy i definitely know where you're coming from with this. part of me still wants to trust my boyfriend but i also know if i let this go again then he'll continue to do it. he's very confident and friends with everybody, which is a good thing i guess, so i don't look at his drinking too much as an excuse. if he had a different personality and i knew he was totally not comfortable in social situations, i might overlook this whole thing because i'm a really forgiving person and i love him so much. i just feel really, really betrayed and staying with him is never going to make me feel better. i just want this all to be over with!

[kimmyc24]

Oh right so its really gonna be tough for you then. geez.You sound like you've kinda made up your mind already about what needs to be done..


It seems like your boyf'spriorities are definately going off course a bit, and in the heat of a drunken moment, you're not foremost in his mind. Although we do know that our logic and senses are dulled a bit when under the influence of a drink or three.


The hard part is doing it of course. And then trying to cope and get through it. I do think that we/people sometimes stay in relationships purely to avoid the heartbreak of ending it.


I've had a relationship like that, but at the very end we started hating each other and a friend came home with me one day and moved me out. A year after that my ex and I started chatting again, and 4 years down the line we are still good friends. We both say we don't know how we were ever together and that we are SO not each other's type. lol. So as the cliche goes, it WILL get better over time..


I just had another thought (a miracle i know!) - is it possible that your boyfriends friend - the one that 'slipped up' and told you, wants you two to split up for any reason? Does he maybe have the hots for you?


When i first met my current boyf one of his squaddie friends told one of my friends that Dale was seeing me and his ex at the same time. He then said, So if you and Dale split up, can I have your number, or can you call me?


So Just a thought!! [img]smileys/smilies_05.gif[/img]

[blondie90]

kimmy, i guess i never really thought of that! they're best friends and have been since they were little kids, so i don't know if he'd do that. when he told me he was pretty drunk too, and he wasn't flat out telling me, he mentioned it to another friend and they were laughing about it (apparently mike and this other girl put on quite a show at this club in cancun) until he realized i was standing right there. i guess it's a possibility... oh well, i would never even think of him as anything more than mike's friend. lol. i'm thinking of just getting this over with tonight. i'm only working until 11, and mike has work early tomorrow but he's itching to know what we need to talk about so i'm sure he'll be alert and listen to me. i don't know if i can spend another night with all of this weight on my shoulders!

[blondie90]

well, it's done[img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]


he came over at around noon and we talked for an hour or so. i told him i overheard everything that happened in cancun and that it wasn't forgivable this time, and that i shouldn't have to subject myself to having a cheater as a boyfriend because i'm only 18 years old and i have my entire life ahead of me. i didn't mention rich, the other guy once because i knew it would just make things worse. he was just really angry, as i suspected he would be, trying to justify what he did. what made me most mad was that he actually tried to deny it at first and was like, "you're probably just making this up because you don't know how else to end things". i had doubts about breaking up until he said that. i guess i don't really know where we left things. he left my house crying, and in three and a half years i have neverrrr seen him cry, and he called me "heartless" for not making it seem like i cared that much about everything we had. i feel a lot better that it's done but the fact that he was so mad and upset worries me. i don't want to never talk to him again. i'd still like to be his friend. i feel empty as it is and i don't want this to have been the last time he never talks to me. and knowing his personality, there's a big chance that he will literally never speak to me again. i guess i can't worry about it. this is just really, really hard. and some of my friends are making it worse by ignoring it and saying "oh please, you guys will be back together in a week". i know for a fact that we won't be but just hearing it pisses me off soo much. anyway, thanks again to all of you for the advice. this is one of the hardest things i've ever done! and you all made it easier on me :-)


kristina <3

[daffodil]

Good job for doing what you needed to do. I know it must have been really hard. Just focus on you now. Make sure to take time to pamper yourself a little. Whatever you like to do, take a bubble bath, make some jewelry, take a walk, read a book. And allow yourself to grieve, and get it out. This is a hard time, but you are not alone. A lot of us on here have been there, so you know you can come here to vent or ask for advice. Take care.

[happyteacher]

You're awesome blondie, good for you! The last hing you need to think about in a relationship is whether or not he will cheat on you. You need to find someone (maybe this other guy, maybe not) who will treat you the way you need to be treated.


Kudos for being a strong woman!





happyteacher

[pinupgirl]

Kristina,


Just remember that he is the one who messed up, not you. Dont let him make you feel bad, because you had nothing to do with the reason for the break up. He is hurting, sure. But he brought it upon himself. Like Daffodil said, its your time now. So make sure you take care of yourself! Everything will look up soon, and you will find a wonderful guy who will respect you, and treat you like a princess! [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]


--PG

[blondie90]

thank you thank you thank you! i have been feeling so crappy about this all day and i guess all it takes is a few people to reassure me that i made the right decision! i haven't talked to him since he left my house this afternoon, and i'm more okay with it than i thought i would be. i went to starbucks with my friend and we talked about it the whole time and i felt so much better. it's going to be weird having all of this time to myself but i think i'll get used to it :-) thank you all again! <3

[qpaulina42]

dear kristina,
I am so glad you made that choice and that you are happy with it. It is bound to be hard at first but you will be surprised, I think, how quickly it will all fall into place now. I wish you all the best!

[kate1966]

Good job!!! I hope that he will now know what he's lost and be sad about it. I admire your courage to know that you are better than that and you do not deserve to be cheated on. So, go out now and have yourelf some fun.....you have a lot of time to get to know yourelf now and figure out what you really want. I wish you the best of luck!!!!!

[jennyleigh1975]

I know this has been hard, but you will be better off without him, and Kate is right, now you have time to move on with your life and figure out who you are and what you want out of life, and trust me, that is important.

[SimplyMe]

Wow, I'm late to this topic lol. Anyhow, good job! What you did took alot of strength! Many people couldn't have done it. It is true he is going to be pissy w/ you and blame you because of "all you had" well he wasn't thinking about "all you had" when he was cheating on you ... its his fault, not yours. 2 people make a relationship work, 1 person can make it fail and it was he who failed. As for the other guy, he sounds really sweet and willing to wait for you to work thru your emotions after your break up. Someone that good doesn't deserve to be a rebound guy and again you are showing much maturity by not doing that. Congratulations! I know its hard but you'll get thru this and in 10 ys (when you're old like me hehe) you'll be proud of yourself and a good example to your future daughters.

[blondie90]

everyones words of encouragement continue to make this situation a lot easier on me!! it's been a little over a day now, we still haven't spoken, making it the first day in over three years that we haven't talked! i'm a little bummed but this isn't as hard as i thought it would be. i think i just felt so betrayed and humiliated that it's making it easier to cope with. i went to dinner with my girlfriends tonight and i barely thought about it once! as for rich (the other guy), we're hanging out tomorrow night when i get out of work. i don't know if anything will come of this yet, or ever for that matter, but we'll take things slow and see. i think i'm going to enjoy being single for a while though! but i guess everything happens for a reason, so we'll see how it goes.


thanks again <3!!!


kristina

[blondie90]

well, it's been 10 days, he still hasn't tried to contact me at all. now i just think he's being immature but i'm allowing him timeto heal and i think eventually he will grow up and we'll be able to interact like normal people again. he stopped by my house and left his plane ticket to florida in my mailbox ( we were supposed to spend 4 days in july at my house there ) and that's it. i haven't talked to any of his friends either so i don't even know how he's doing. is it normal that he still Won't talk to me? i called his cell twice and left a voicemail once, just to say hi, but he never returned my call. when do you all think he will talk to me again?! lol i'm actually doing just fine without him but i do miss him and i'd like to hear from him. how long could he possibly avoid me for?!

[daffodil]

I think him not wanting to talk to you is normal. Even though he was the one who cheated, and it's his fault you two broke up, his pride is hurt. If you want to be friends, I would give it a couple of months before you contact him. I know from experience that staying in contact with an ex too soon after a breakup can be messy, and you might be tempted to go back. You sound like you are doing well with all of this. Just enjoy your freedom, and focus on you for awhile, and try not to worry about him.[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[valkyriegrl]

I think you did the right thing. I know how hard it is to let someone go, especially when you feel like you should be still be together. If you had forgiven him, he would have done it all over again, no doubt, he would have gotten the sense that his behaviour was consequence-free. Good for you for being strong and telling him to hit the bricks! If I were you I wouldn't get to close to Rich yet, you may not be ready for someone else right now and you may end up breaking his heart eventually. Stay friends for now, but if I were you I wouldn't get too close, for both of your sakes. You're a much bigger person than me, I would have told my cheater boyfriend all about what I did and rubbed it in his face, so he can know it feels!

[jodi054]

i think he just needs a little space ... [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]