need some advice-OT

[daffodil]

Okay, I have a long history of disagreements with my mother in law, which I won't bore you all with. She is one of those people who is very opinionated, and always has to make little comments. An example: When my youngest was a newborn, MIL told me she was burping and farting so much because I was drinking too much soda pop. Just to make sure this was not the case, I asked my stepmom, who is a lactation consultant, and she told me there is no way drinking pop can affect your breastmilk in that way. That the baby burping and farting had nothing whatsoever to do with my milk, and what I was consuming, that her digestive system was just new, and she was fine.
Anyway, my husband told me about a conversation he had with his mother, where they were talking about family stuff, and she started telling him that she didn't want to see him get f***ed over, and did he know that our state is a community property state. When he told me this, I got PISSED! FIrst off, hubby and I are not talking divorce, and second, if we did divorce, he would come out of this marriage with more than he came in with. I am so upset about this. I have not talked to her about it yet, but I think I will have to, because it has been over a week, and I am still very out of sorts about it.
Why is she doing this? She loves to stir things up, and maybe that is what she is doing now. I don't know. It hurts to think that she has that low of an opinion of me. Like I would try to screw my husband over or something. Can anyone offer any advice?

[tayda]

How does your hubby feel? I vent my frustrations about my fiance's parents to him, and I find that helps me feel better at times

[daffodil]

That's the problem. He is tired of hearing me complain about her.

[japa]

I wonder whyyour husbandtells you the nasty things she says about you? Does he truly expect you not to complain about her after that?


I'm single, so I have no experience dealing with mothers-in-law. But my sense is that the mother-in-law, if she's a nasty one, can criticize all she wants and the daughter-in-law is supposed to take it all in and be passive and not say anything. Maybe I'm wrong about this, but it's what I've witnessed with other people.


Well, anyway, the passive route just does not work well for me, no matter who it is. I basically have a talk with the person directly and air my grievances. So I would call her and say that I need to have a serious discussion with her regarding her recent comments about me to her son and my husband.


Anyway, take that for what it's worth (like I said, no in-law experience), but I generally talk to the person about it.

[daffodil]

Thanks Japa. I think I will have to have a talk with her. I'm just dreading it, because every time I have talked to her about stuff she has done in the past, she always says that's not how she meant it, and acts all innocent. I don't know how she could have meant the things she said any differently, though.

[kimmyc24]

Could it be that your MIL is maybe jealous of you and her son being so close?


I am not married to my partner yet, but I think we will marry in the future and I get on with his parents really well. I do worry sometimes that I feel i'm 'taking over' her roll as his mother - by doing his washing, looking after him when he's ill, helping him with his course-work etc. We are both 26 (not sure how old you and your hubby are?) and living together so shouldn't need to have parents to look after us, but sometimes I feel that i'm kinda removing her 'reason for being' if you know what I mean? I think she lives/exists for her husband and sons..


Do you think that maybe your MIL is critical of you because she is jealous? That she feels you are a threat to her position or relationship with her son?


After all you can give her son something she could never do - which is a baby (or two or three or four).. a brand new life and something amazing..


I donno.. just a thought... [img]smileys/smilies_05.gif[/img]

[shiva]

All I can say is that I know this is a typical problem between wives an MIL's. I have no advice to offer except just keeping communication open between your husband and yourself about how this makes you feel.

[nyxy]

I have had a similar experience with my ex mother in law. She was the most stuck up, ignorant horrible person. Sweet enough at times to my face, but very much left me with the impression that she couldnt care less if I dropped dead. Summoned me and her other DIL to do chores at gatherings while her precious boys sat and drank beer.


The thing that irked me the most (and pretty much contributed to the end of my relationship) was that he never said anything to her, never stuck up for me. I needed him to be in my corner so badly, she was just plain MEAN.


One time the ex was in hospital, and the doc asked the Next of Kin to sign a form - she stepped forwards, and I said "Um, thats me." She could not believe it when staff confirmed this to be the case.Aghast, she said very loudly "But I'm his MOTHER!"


Anyway, my advice is to lay it on the line for your hubby. This is your LIFE. He can change things for the better for you, and it may even bring you closer. He should want you to be happy and feel supported - its his job.


Some mothers dont know when to cut the apron strings.

[californiagirl]

UGH! I can totally relate!


My first hubby's family didn't like me, even though they didn't have the whole story about our marriage. They (his parents, 6 sisters and 3 brothers) kinda resented me because I took their "baby" away. He was the youngest of the family. Then, he started with alcohol and drug abuse, then abused me horribly. I was a stay at home mom and took good care of our kids, but they still didn't like me. At family gatherings, he would drink, and I'd get upset, knowing what I was in for when we got home, because he beat me when he was drunk. They just all thought I was being a b**ch, even though I tried explaining why I got mad at him. When he'd leave the house, he'd cheat on me also, so I didn't like him going with friends, etc., again they thought I was being a b**ch! They thought he did no wrong, which aggravates me to no end when people do that! Anyways, they were opinionated as well. I do not get along with opinionated people AT ALL, because without knowing ALL the facts, they give you THEIR opinion, whether you asked for it or not!! I'm sorry you have to go through this, and I do wish you the best of luck in working it out.