Are you there God? It’s me Margaret

[shiva]

LOL! I just thought that would be a fun subject line.


Anyway.. I have finally found peace with a few things about myself. I am a moody person with such drastic personalities that I sometimes dual with myself over issues. No one can hurt me as much as I hurt myself. No one could ever even come close to being as hard on me as I am myself. I hate myself more often than I love myself. And whining doesn't get me anywhere.


I used to consider myself a strong person, but I have recently decided I am just a strong personality. I can be opinionated, self rightous and seriously annoying at times. I used to see this as strong. I know a woman whose life story many of us could hardly stomach to hear. I worked with her for a while. I would come to work, whining about my phobia, whining about being tired, whining about stress or money. f***ing whine and cheese. Meanwhile, she would sit and listen to me. She was never condescending, never judgemental. When I look back on it I wonder how she didn't clock me one and tell me to get over myself. She had just faught ovarian cancer. She had to make the decision to take her husband off of life support from brain cancer a year before. She was raising two children alone. She worked her ass off. She never f***ing whined or complained... EVER.


(Now please understand, I am not saying that no one should ever whine or complain.. It's natural, I guess... This is seriously just something that I noticed about myself and wanted to share because I was sitting here and reflecting on it. I am hoping for feedback, as I feel I may be onto some kind of self growth here.)


I noticed that this woman is probably the strongest woman I have ever met in my life and I realized that I wanted to be more like her. I've never been the type of girl to sit there and wish to be like anyone else. I have always accepted (or tried) to accept myself, shortcomings and all. So then I realized that it all goes hand in hand. To accept myself for who I am in a way will make me a strong person. I spend so much time mad at myself because of this phobia. Wishing I was someone else. It's completely natural for me to feel hatred for myself. Strong women don't hate themselves. I want to work on being more positive. I used to think that being a hard ass made me strong. That's pure bulls***. It's a mask. I hide beind it. I don't want to just seem strong. I want to be strong. Does anyone understand this?


I don't want to sit and whine and bitch and complain about my phobia anymore. I am so f***ing sick of feeling sorry for myself. My life is exactly what I make of it. It doesn't even matter what my childhood was like. I am a freaking adult now. I am accountable. If there is something I don't like about my world, then I am the only person who can make a difference and change that.


So I feel like I have realized some really important things.


1) Strength is totally different from what I thought, and I want to be strong. I am weak.


2)If I can learn to truly love myself, then I will have the strength to change what I don't like.


3) I am the only person in control of my life.


4) Living like this is my choice.


Sorry to sound like a freaking self help book here. Yikes.


Does anyone else feel like I do? Does anyone have any advice on how I should go about taking the steps to change the way I feel about myself and stop hating myself so much? Am I making any sense?

[SimplyMe]

I could have written most of this post myself. Writing this took strength, to admit to all of us the real you is tough. I'm really glad you posted this and I wanna join you in the "like myself better" crusade. I've always thouht vulnerability to be weak and only recently have I realized it takes more strength to be vulnerable that it does to hide. Bravo! Oh and btw I loved that book when I was a kid! lol Edited by: SimplyMe

[surfjunkie]

Shiva~

Your post struck a nerve with me that I can't even begin to explain.
I have been struggling so much with myself the past few days with so
many "issues" that I won't even list. The biggest thing is my self
esteem. I was just saying to my husband, I hate the person I see
when I look in the mirror. He has reminded me that I have
everything that I could ever want...family, job, friends, health, etc.
But, I have such a low self esteem that I can't even enjoy any of it.
What would help? I just don't want my anxiety and phobia any more.
It has ruined so much of my life.

Your "self-help" book made so much sense to me...it is all of the
things that I need to read everyday. So, what do we do? I feel
exactly the same way, but have no idea what to say to help.

I also don't want a temporary fix...kind of like treat the symptoms,
but not the problem. I want to change my whole outlook on life and
how I react to situations. That in itself takes a lot of courage,
strength, and perseverence.

I know that we live close in proximity to each other. Maybe we could
get together and work through some of this together. I wish I had an
answer or some advice to give you, but at this time, I feel like we
are in the same boat.

[harmonygirl72]

I say Amen to that post! I feel exactly the same way! I know if I could just love myself so many of my "issues" would get easier. Maybe there's a way we can all help each other to see the good in ourselves and try to be the type of people we all want to be! And, you gotta love Judy Blume! ;-)


Mary

[shiva]

Thanks so much for the posts. It really was hard for me to open up like that, but I realize that it's definitely time for a change. It would be great if we could find a way to help one another focus on the positive things in their lives and get the ball rolling toward progress here. I would love the support on this journey of mine and I am not afraid to say that I think I need a shoulder to lean on and someone to remind me what's important when I am losing focus. I would also love to help anyone else interested transform their lives and how they feel abou themselves. I can close my eyes and imagine the person that I want to be- how do I get there. And, is it possible that I am actually afraid to become that? Is it beneficial for me to hate myself?


I had to quit therapy about a year ago and one of the last sessions should have been an eye opener for me. We realized that positive things never get me moving, it's always the negative. It's something I picked up from my upbringing and it's very pathetic. I'll give you an example.. When the alarm goes off at 5 am I am tired as hell and would love to sleep the day away, but know that I have to get up and work out before leaving for work, instead of gently reminding myself how great I will feel if I get up and do this, instead of being grateful for another day- I yell at myself. I lay there and call myself names 'lazy' and 'fat ass'. I tell myself that I make myself sick and that I am pathetic and don't deserve to rest. This is how I start every freaking day of my life. And this is what gets me out of bed. If I were nice to myself, or rewarded myself for 'good' behavior, it just wouldn't work. I need to change this. It's so natural for me that it took a year to even understand the problem that my therapist was talking about.

[Melikasa]

Your post is definitly a step to improving or making better the issues you are having. As in any problem, phobia or addiction one has to come to the realization themselves about what needs to be done. One can be told over and over but it won't click. (If anyone gets what I mean)
It took a lot of courage and self reflection to get to the point you are at. Surfjunkie your husband is right too. My husband didn't remind me in oh so many words but I stopped one day and I was WOW. Thank you God. I have a husband that loves me to my very soul for who I am. A beautiful wonderful son, a place to call home, money in my pocket for goodies like movies and computer internet.
WHO am I to complain and while and feel bad for myself. My family loves me what do I care about what others think about me. Why should I worry about what they think if they find out I have emet, what my body looks like.
I don't mean go out all disheveled and smelly, but once you stop caring about what your physical appearance is you carry yourself with a confidence that glows.
Co workers and customers couldn't figure out what I had done. "I" was getting compliments. One gentlemen said wow you have this glow about you, it must be a good day." I should have said " no no, not just a good day, I am having a good life."



EVERYONE needs a shoulder to lean on. A friend, collegue, husband/wife, family member. It isn't weak to ask for help, it is weaker to think you can do it on your own.
I think in our minds we feel that negative will make positive because that is the only way that makes us feel bad enough to do it. You KNOW in your mind that positive would make it all the more gratifying but saying "I am a lazy fat pig" seems to be more motivational even if it is negative.
Start small. reward yourself, compliment yourself on even the small things to start. Things you do for other people, things you do for the environment, keeping your cool with someone even if they didn't deserve the respect (I sometimes get VERY ornary customers)
Compliment yourself AFTER you got up and went to excercise. REVERSE what you have said that is negative in your mind. If you say "I am a lazy pig" go no, no Im not, I am not pathetic for wanting the extra sleep. I work hard all day and my bed feels good (LOL[img]smileys/smilies_04.gif[/img])
I KNOW what you are talking about. I was at a point just before I was married before I was together with my husband even(he was just agood friend at the time) where I was just SO SO SO depressed about how emet had taken over my life. I didn't let it show andI didn't talk about it or whine ( as you put it) at least not to anyone but myself and God. Which is just the same really. I wasn't taking control and doing something about it myself I just expected it to go away or have it taken away. I hated myself, i had no love or respect for me and I was walked all over for never speaking up for myself or what was on my mind.
I was so depressed one day I stormed out and walked down the main street in Vancouver city hoping to me hit by a car, taken away, caught in a drive by shooting. That was one of my lowest points its was within 2-3 weeks of that that I said "HEY I am SICK of this. I am going to live my life, I am going to do what makes ME happy for once, etc etc"

Now that I have made this literally into a book lol I will stop blathering. Yay to anyone that read that whole blurb.
ANYWAYS.........Congratulations on your realization and may your mind and God give you the strength to go further in your journey.

[silver]

WOW!! I totally relate to what you wrote. Sometimes I think that you have to get to the point where you are absolutely sick and tired of playing the victim role. I have come to this point recently myself. I thought, "what would it be like if I didn't hate myself for everything that I do."?? One thing that I think we ALL have in common on these boards is that we are EXTREMLY hard on ourselves about the emet which most likely translates to other areas of our lives as well, at least it does for me...(I look fat, I am a s***ty person for not being around when others are sick, I am a bad friend, I am a terrible wife, I will never get over this phobia, and on and on..) The stuff that we tell ourselves is truely horrible and we would never say it to anyone else. Past experiences or not, we have to learn to deal with this from where we are at today and move forward. For anyone interested I started reading an amazing book that isREALLY helping me. Its called "How to stubbornly refuse to make yourself misable about anything, yes, anything!" The author is Ellis. I guess that it takes being absolutely at your witts end fed up to change things sometimes. That's where I have been absoluetly pissed off (not at myself), but sick of living like this.


Right on Shiva on this one!!

[sherbear]

Shiva, I've said it before and I'll say it again....emet twins!!! I,
too, could have written your post. I don't just dislike myself. I hate
myself and have expressed this out loud many times. I definitely act
like a tough girl on the outside (Funny, that used to be my husband's
nickname for me.), but on the inside I'm just a frightened little girl
with hardly any self esteem. I want to move beyond my past, beyond this
fear or at least beyond it ruling my life. Sometimes it feels like my
entire life is devoted to either being scared, worrying or feeling
sorry for myself. What kind of life is that? I'm so ready to make a
change. I just don't know where to begin. I did start a self-help
program once. Notice that I said 'start' and not 'finish'....just
another example of self-sabotage. It came with a relaxation CD at the
end of which it had me imagining my life the way I wanted it to be and
everytime I got to that part I cried. I know things can be so much
better and I'm ready to get off my ass and make it a reality.

[shiva]

I had no idea that so many of you felt this way. We really have to come up with a way to change our lives and make things better for ourselves. Afterall, it is totally within only us to do this, right?


Silver, thanks for the book reccomendation. I'm on it!