I hate myself

[spilled_milk]

Today was probably one of the biggest fallbacks that I have had recently. I was doing so well, hardly any panic, but now I am back to my old paranoia, jumping at everything and keeping the door unlocked so that I can run out of it away from my father and crying.


Today I was horseback riding, everything was fine, and then I was grazing my horse by the barn. My dad walked to get some water in our car. He was drinking, then he started to cough, and then he fell over onto the grass. Luckily some people were there, and they called 911, and a nurse was there so she did blood pressure and stuff. I started screaming and crying, and I plugged my ears, because it kind of sounded like he was v*ing. I knew he wasn't though, I knew that it was probably one of his breathing problems that he sometimes gets, but it was still so scary! However, I couldn't make myself move. Finally someone took away my horse and someone else guided me towards him. All I could say was "my mother is in vermont" because it meant that me and my dad were alone, we didn't have anyone to call. Finally the ambulance came, he was fine, we drove home.


What irks me the most was how I couldn't move. My father was in danger, and i huddled over near the barn. I blamed it on how i didnt want my horse to trample him, but I knew that if I hadn't had the horse I wouldn't have run very close. I would have screamed for help. So, I'm mad at myself. How could this happen again?? I am a failure, I can't even try to save my own father, and now I've reverted back to when I was at my worst and under psychiatric care.


ugh!


<3 Anya--

[NCsmile6]

Anya,


*HUGS*


You were in a VERY scary situation!!! Please don't beat yourself up about it!!! This is not a fallback, and it is NOT your fault!!! I think you did wonderfully! Had I been in your situation, I wouldn't have been able to do that much! Please don't think of it as reverting back!

[mars]

Hi Anya, I think your reaction was fairly normal and even if you weren't an emet you might still have reacted in the same way. That was such a terrifying situation to be in. There were other people around, so your father was being helped by them. Sometimes its easier to help a stranger than someone we know and love.


Please don't beat yourself up over this, you've just been through an ordeal, you coped as best you could. You didn't run away, you stayed there, even though you found it really difficult.


I agree with Neha, if I had been in your situation, I am not sure that I would have reacted much differently.


Stay strong, M x

[dord]

I'm so sorry that happened to your Dad, is he alright? Don't be too angry with yourself as that's a very scary situation and might not have been emet related at all. My son isn't an emet and one night our dog must have had a seizure as he just kind of collapsed in the middle of the floor and my son absolutely bolted from the room. Once the dog was alright I went to my son to make sure he was alrightand I asked him "what happened" - he said he just couldn't watch Jake like that. (Jake is 10 so we've had him quite a while). You had people there to see to your Dad - I'm sure had you been the ONLY person that could have helped him, you would have reacted completely different. Adrenaline is an amazing endorphine. I hope you're Dad is fine and I'm sure he feels bad that he scared you.

[babygap5]

Anya, please don't beat yourself up. It was a scary situation, like everyone said. I probably wouldn't have reacted any better. I remember once when I was about 11, my parents and I were vacationing in Disneyworld and we rented a party boat. It was just the three of us and we had a wonderful time around the lake. I even got to steer the boat for a bit. When we got back to the dock, my father, who was 66 at the time went to the side of the boat to toss the rope to the dockhand so that the boat could get pulled to the dock. Well, the boat jerked and my father went right into the water. I panicked. I screamed and yelled which freaked out my mother. The dockhand who was a young guy jumped in to get him. My dad was a bit shaken up but he was fine. He just had a few cuts on his leg but nothing serious. We left the dock with him all wet and me crying like a hysterical person. When we got back to the hotel room, my dad showered and my mom bandeged his cuts and I took the hair dryer to dry the contents of his wallet.


Later that night, we went out to dinner and I was still so shakin up that I got n* for the rest of the night. In fact, I got n* for the rest of the trip. My parents were very understanding and we still managed to have a good time, I just couldn't eat much.


Please don't feel bad. I know that's easier said than done, but it's ok. Would it help you in feeling better to talk to your dad about it? Maybe you could tell him what your were feeling at the time and work it out with him. Keep us posted.

[shiva]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Just like everyone else has said, that was a very scary situation- many people would have behaved the same way. The important thing is that your dad is okay and you are okay. One set back doesn't wipe away all of the progress that you've made in your life. Just dust yourself off and move on. Don't let yourself dwell on what you wish you could have done, just continue on working on yourself. You never know, one day you might suprise yourself with your reaction if you just keep working on getting better.
Edited by: shiva

[tiffanator]

Anya, you are being way to hard on yourself about this. Most people put in the same situation would do the same thing you did. It's very different seeing a family member in trouble than a stranger. A few months ago my dad was sick.. no v* but the medicine he was on made him pass out... I freaked, all I could do was walk around and shake. It wasn't just because I was afraid he would v*, but I was also afraid I was watching my father die... that's how it felt.


You are not a failure, what happened is a natural human reaction. When faced with a fight or flight situation, some people run to get involved, others can only stand.


We all have setbacks, but having a setback means that we have progressed. I had a major setback in September, but I progressed back the the point before the setback much faster than it took me to get there the first time. Just keep your chin up and think positive, you will get through this.

[Galadriel]

I agree don't beat yourself up for it. Situacions like that happen so fast, and usually how we react is just almost like instinct, because you don't have time to think much. Its just one of those spur of the moment responses that I don't think we have much control over. It just kind of happens like that.