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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
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    United Kingdom
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    More like 1 step forward 500 steps back. Sorry i really need to vent my anger, i just cut my arms again which i havn'tdon since last year.I feel really depressed at the moment and to be honest suicide dosn't seems such a bad idea right now. My mums deciding to now be nasty to me, i have enough of my dad and my brother telling me im pathetic about ocd, now my mums saying she can't cope looking after me anymore. Im still finding the whole eating thing hard, my thoughts just keep coming back, i don't want to have to live through this anymore, i've nearly died twice because of the eating disorder, i feel i have no life, even though im the only one who can change it, i just don't see anyway out. My family don't relise the pain they put me through with the fights and violence, and they wonder why im upset for? ok i shouldn't blame other people, but all that stuff hurt me so much, but was to scared to say anything, if i sad i felt depressed, they would just tell me "we're all depressed, get used to it". I just feel like nothings ever going to go anyway. I always said it wasn't the weight to be an issue in my eating disorder, to start with that was true, it was just i had foods that were safe and would only eat toast because of the whole emet thing, now its taken over everything, if i feel i've eaen to much i want to excersise. Im at the weight of just over 5 stone now and im 5'3, im 18 this year and i know you shouldn't be such a low weight at that age. My ocd just feels like hell right now, i can't touch one door handle, if i do i have to wash my hands, i have to wash my hands the same amount of times or count the amount of washing. When i eat toast i have to sing ip-dip-do in my head to pick what slice i can have first and it just really gets in the way of everything now, reading, walking, drinking and day to day things. My parents both keep wishing death on each other right in front of me, i keep having these outbursts where i have to hit myself or hurt myself in some way to get rid of the tension that builds up, i just don't know how to express myself, i just really feel i can't do this any longer, i don't know what to do to be honest anymore, if i moved out i know i couldn't cope because my ocd would just take my whole life, hen if i stay here i have to put up with all this, argh then i feel so selfish for doing this..[img]smileys/smilies_16.gif[/img]
    TEA!! IS AMAZING!!
    indeed it is! :]


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  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    United Kingdom ( worcestershire )
    Posts
    903

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    You have been doing really really well, honestly you have, i know you have and deep down you know you have. Ican't tell you what to do but if I was in your position i would think about leaving home and getting a little flat or bedsit while remaining friends with your family so that they can still be around on good days and you can avoid them on bad days. You have enough to cope with without your familys childish outburts and fighting.


    I'd just like to say that think about if you had to watch your mum suffer with OCD, it must be horrible to watch someone you love suffer when you can't help. I am not sticking up for her but can imagine why she says some things out of frustration sometimes.


    Like i said you have been doing well so keep it up.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    United Kingdom
    Posts
    1,078

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    Hey, thanks for replying. Its the evening now and my mums gone to work. To be honest i don't know if going into ip would be good, i mean im eating better, but i can't live off sandwhich's and cereal for my whole life, and now im trying to excersise after i eat. This happend last time i though i was recovered then i start thinking if i can cut something one day, why not do it the next, i guess i have to force myself to eat, i have my meds to take if i start to panic about v*, but i guess there is also the weight and look thing i worry about. Sorry to go on.

    Ruth x

    TEA!! IS AMAZING!!
    indeed it is! :]


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  4. #4
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    1,312

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    You have to look at how well you've done and know that it can be done. Removing yourself from a situation is sometimes the only way to help start the healing. I cannon compair what happened to me to what is happening to you as every situation and persons involved are different.
    Once out of what was making my feelings and outbursts come on like a freight train and taking the meds prescribed I noticed day by day things improve here and there. It isn't a quick fix as when it comes to these problems there never is. I was 2 when Emet started rearing its ugly head and 14 when it came full force accompanied with anorexia and agoraphobia when I was 20.
    I am not 27 andabout 3 years ago finally started getting it underalmost full control.
    I don't know that making you think about how long helps at all because I know looking back it seems like forever but one day then another then a week has gone by then a month and a fewmore. Each day quite litterally taking a small step andpatting myself on the back.
    The number of calories may seem overwhelming but it really depends on how you are getting them too. Those drinks like Boost and Ensure are wonderful because they are not empty calories and will be building not just bidy weight but helping tobuild muscle weight. You have to know as well that muscle weighs more than fatso go without a scale in the house if you can. It means nothing.
    You are strong enough and I know you know in your heart you are strong enough to come out of the tunneltothe light. It would be a loss for you to just give up.
    Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you\'ve never been hurt and live like it\'s heaven on Earth.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    England
    Posts
    1,852

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    Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry you are finding things so tough, but listen to what the others have said - you have been doing so well and showing such strength and courage in trying to get your eating back on track. The thing is when we are trying to overcome problems we are bound to have good and bad days - it's never plane sailing. But you have been doing so very well, take pride in this.


    Sometimes people we are closest to do get frustrated with our problems, it may be that they say things to try and shock us into trying to overcomeour problemsor that they are feeling useless themselves as they can't seem to do more to help. Your mum will also be reeling from all the upset that the arguements with your dad cause, so will sometimes snap and say things she doesn't mean. Don't ever think she doesn't care - it's obvious from what you've said in your posts about her in the pastthat she loves you very much.


    Hang in there, I know you can do it. Just take each day at a time for now and try not to let what others say get you down. Sit down and work on your art - express your feelings through it, I'm sure it will help. Take care. x
    .•:*¨¨*:•.Tracey.•:*¨¨*:•.

    Fall seven times, stand up eight.
    - Japanese proverb


  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    United States
    Posts
    2,335

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    I just sent you a PM.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    2,291

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    Hey Ruth,
    I am sorry things are going rough now. You really are doing well, and sometimes things backslide some, but that happens when you are trying to better yourself.
    It sounds like the tension and fights between your parents aren't helping things at all. I agree with the others in that I do think your mom cares about you, she sounds like she just gets to the breaking point, but she shouldn't take it out on you ever, neither should your father.
    If you can't move out, is there any place that you have that you can go that is sort of like a "safe place", like say the library or something, just somewhere you can go and maybe work on your art in peace and quiet without having to deal with that? I know how hard it is to better yourself when people around you drag you down. It sucks having parents that just fight and try and get you in the middle of it. The only thing I can think to do though is that when they are like this (fighting) and causing you so much stress, is to try and get out of the situacion if you can, because it sounds like they don't care enough to stop fighting. Is there any relatives or friends or anyone that you can maybe go and spend a nite or so, a place you feel safe to just unwind without being around that?


  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    United Kingdom
    Posts
    1,078

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    Hey, thanks for all the replies and advice. I spoke to her and said how i felt and its like how all of you had said, she said she dosn't mean to shout or get angry with me, its just she feels hopeless watching me do this to myself with the ocd. I've been eating more and moreand my stomach i think is finally getting used to eat, i now just crave food the whole time, but i got told that would happen and i think i need more as i need to build up. Im going to take after my dad in running, he used to run in marathons and stuff, so i want to try and get fit to do that. Thanks for all the support,i think there are going to be bad times and there are going to be good times. Im finally eating a cooked meal now, the other day i had cereal for my breakfast, then for lunch i had cheese crispy pancakes with garlic bread, after that i had a mint cornetto, then a cake, then for my dinner i had some toast. Im getting some fruit today with my dad and going to look on books about what you should eat to be healthy and like runners meal plan. Thanks for tall the advice. My safe place would be the shopping centre i guess, i just go by bus and sit in the coffee shop now to calm down, i find that helps. My mum was also saying about moving away by the sea, which is right next to my nan and my other family, so maybe that would happen, which will be cool[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]. Thanks for all the support.

    Ruth x

    TEA!! IS AMAZING!!
    indeed it is! :]


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