I am so done with it!

[candance]

Is anyone else grieving the person you used to be?

I know I used to enjoy travelling, I used to enjoy going out for pizza, I used to enjoy LIFE!

Travelling is now a huge stress factor to me, I am going to switzerland next month and I'm kind of dreading it, I know I have to go to the US with my then husband and I'm dreading it even more, I'm terrified to go! I always wanted to go to the US all my life until this f... phobia started, ever since then all I can think about is the long flight and the food I'm not used to and what could happen if i get sick and all that...
I haven't had a pizza in over a year, if so I make it myself at home because I'm scared to eat at an italian restaurant due to my lactose intolerance (even though baked cheese seems to be no problem for some reason). Over the last few years I have fought my way back into life for a good part, I can go outside and I have one restaurant where I am able to eat (because I know for sure it's clean there), I have even gone on a short flight and vaccation (knowing my parents are cooking, we had an apartment rented there) which already was a challenge. I used to enjoy flying, now it's a challenge.

I'm so tired of fighting and normal things being hard work for me. I hate who I have become and I just don't want to be this person anymore who is caught up in fear!!

My insurance doesn't cover any further therapy for at least another year, I am going to make an appointment with my doctor next week though and talk to her and find out if there is an option to get a waiver for this, I want to do the CBT, i had a different form of therapy over 2 years where I learned where my phobia comes from but I never learned to deal with the actual reaction I'm showing (like panic attacks, physical symptoms and all that), just because I am understanding why I'm scared doesn't mean the fear just magically goes away. I am hoping she can help me and find a way to get me back into therapy. If it doesn't work I will try again after the year is up and see if I can get CBT then.

I just had to get all this out, I'm so tired of being me right now!!

[alisha27]

I totally understand how frustrated you feel. I wish I knew what the old me was like but I've had this for as long as I can remember. Are you on any prescription medication to help with the anxiety? If you aren't then maybe it wouldn't hurt to ask your doctor for something that can help you during your trip. I personally dread going places because I'm scared I will suddenly become ill. I hate myself later for not standing up for myself and going through with it. You will feel like you won the lottery if you push yourself outside your comfort zone and do the things that make you anxious. The chances of you breaking a leg are probably greater then you becoming ill. I have had this phobia about 23 years of my 29 years on earth. It will get better, not sure if it completely goes away but we must have a positive outlook. Hopefully your doctor can help you out and find a solution in the long run. I wish you luck on your trip and good health!

[candance]

I totally understand how frustrated you feel. I wish I knew what the old me was like but I've had this for as long as I can remember. Are you on any prescription medication to help with the anxiety? If you aren't then maybe it wouldn't hurt to ask your doctor for something that can help you during your trip. I personally dread going places because I'm scared I will suddenly become ill. I hate myself later for not standing up for myself and going through with it. You will feel like you won the lottery if you push yourself outside your comfort zone and do the things that make you anxious. The chances of you breaking a leg are probably greater then you becoming ill. I have had this phobia about 23 years of my 29 years on earth. It will get better, not sure if it completely goes away but we must have a positive outlook. Hopefully your doctor can help you out and find a solution in the long run. I wish you luck on your trip and good health!

Thank you! I'm not taking anything and I would prefer to stay med free if I can. But I want to ask my doctor for something at least to calm me down if I really panic on the plane or something.
I see you are from TX, that's actually where we will be going since most of his family is living there! But that's far away for now, first will be switzerland next month, I'm still worrying a lot about the trip to the US though even though it's so far away, I know I have to go, he is giving up his home country for me so the least I can do is go there with him, it's a part of him and I want to see where he is from and meet his family. I am hoping we find a way to take a hotel room with a small kitchen area in it so I can cook myself and won't depend on restaurants or his family.
I'm sometimes wondering if it was easier if I wouldn't know it different. At least I wouldn't think back and wonder how I could let it go this far.

[Cupcake x]

I constantly think about the girl I used to be before my emet went into overdrive. I was always out with my friends whether I felt good or not, having a good time, laughing, up for anything. It was such a great time in my life. I wish things could be like that again. And I also wish I could stop being so anxious so I could do things I've always wanted to do like take vacations with my boyfriend and friends or go to NYC for the day since it's such a short car ride away.

I even miss the little things like going out to dinner all the time and going to bonfires, parties or the bar. *sigh* I just have to keep telling myself that I won't be like this forever and eventully I'll get back to myself again.

[Danielle_Walton]

i wish i knew the real me... ive have emet for a whopping 13 years... and it isnt getting any easier... when i go on holiday i tend to cook my food myself, or take a chance and try food from a restuarant then i spend the rest of the day worrying if its gonna make me sick... so i stopped doing that and eat what i feel confortable with , when i go out i usually wear gloves whether its hot or cold so i dont have to touch buses ect and then i wash them ... especially in supermarkets i cant touch anything incase someone that had sv* had touched something and then put it back. i keep telling myself to stop worrying , but i just cant... i cant control my anxiety and it really brings me down.. i dont really want to go on anti-depressants i just want something to calm me down x

[ilovepuppies]

Just a thought, I know you said you want to be med free, and I applaud that greatly. But what if you had a back up plan, and you can calm yourslef with that. Maybe with anti n pills just in case something did make you ill, you would then be able to take something that would help. and you can have that in the back of your mind?
I am from the US (though living in the UK) and I think you would enjoy the trip!

[candance]

Just a thought, I know you said you want to be med free, and I applaud that greatly. But what if you had a back up plan, and you can calm yourslef with that. Maybe with anti n pills just in case something did make you ill, you would then be able to take something that would help. and you can have that in the back of your mind?
I am from the US (though living in the UK) and I think you would enjoy the trip!

I did have medication against being n* and it almost ended up in a full blown addiction, I would take them every time I leave the house "just to be sure". So when I realized, I threw them out and never got them again. I don't want to go down that road again.
I think avoiding what scares me or trying to find ways to make myself feel safe (when in fact at the end I can't control if I will get sick or not no matter what I do) is not the right way. The goal should be to live without fear, to simply no longer care about if I get sick or not unless it actually happens. That's what I want.