Emetophobia has cost me everything.

[Lynn1977]

My fear goes further back than I can remember. I have always been afraid of v*. I believe this phobia has led to other OCD's in my life. My only child is 21 years old. He himself became a father at age 16. He and the babys mother were not able to take care of the baby girl. She was so precious. I was absolutely petrified that permanent care would fall to me. I struggled tremendously raising my own son with this phobia. I planned and pre-planned everyday of my life so I could minimize the outside contact of viruses. It is a very hard thing to do without offending other people. My son knew I was unable to raise another child under the same conditions that he was raised. In raising my son he was constantly in the doctors office if I even thought he was sick. I would make my husband go with me and keep in the car until they called his name. I stood outside the door watching for them to call us so I wouldn't catch anything either. I was embarrassed by my own behavior but I did it anyway. I was constantly feeling my son's forehead for fever. I constantly asked him "do you feel bad?" He would get really angry at me for asking so many times in one day. I understood his anger but I did it anyway. I would not let him go alot of places for fear of exposure. His entire childhood was lie this. And the few times he was sick, I could not go to him and my husband had to. I could not go to him even if he called for me. I could not go to him even if we were the only 2 people in the house (only happened one time when he was 11, thank God). Back to my sons child. I am having such a hard time with this guilt. I know my son is suffering and I can't help him. He says he dosen't blame me and that he understands, but I think he's just being kind. I hate this phobia. It has cost me everything.

[m0ndaymay]

I too have lost everything to this phobia, so I really understand what you're saying. What I'm confused about is what can you not help your son with and why/how is he suffering? And who is taking care of your grandchild if he and the mother are unable to?

[Lynn1977]

I am sorry mondaymay. Sometimes when I am feeling really emotional I forget to finish my thoughts. My son gave his daughter up for adoption. I was really hoping the babys other grandmother would step up but she wanted nothing to do with it. I could have been a good grandmother I think, but after what I went through just trying to raise my son, I knew I could not be the main care giver for my granddaughter. My son knew it too. He did not want her raised like he was raised so he and his now ex-girlfriend gave the baby up for adoption. I knew at 16 he would be okay for a little while because he was still in high school and he had a lot going on. But I also knew that the older he got he would suffer. And he is. He wishes he had not given her up. I feel the guilt of not being able to help him. He dosen't blame me but I blame myself. If I could have gotten a grip on this phobia I probably would have raised my son differently and I would have been able to raise my granddaughter. We both grieve over this.

[Guitarfreak]

You poor thing, I feel for you :C

[wargerbil]

It isn't too late to fix things. I regret all the years I feel I've lost to this, and I'm finally really trying to get better. It's been damn hard to put myself in therapy due to a lot of bad experiences as a kid, but I do want to have children with my husband and be able to take care of them without fearing they'll be sick, and I want to be able to take them places and do things with them so I'm trying hard to make it stop now. You can too! Instead of spending energy being upset with things you can't change, spend energy on how you can change your future!