Im new and I need some friends : )
My name is Sara, im 26 and I live in the Chicagoland area. I've suffered from emetophobia since i was a small child, for as long as i could remember. Its always been severe, in my opinion, but has always seemed to go up and down in terms of severity at different times of my life. I am pretty sure i have suffered from depression, at least the last ten years during all of my teen years and early adolescence. I'm not sure if the depression stems from the emetophobia, or if i just got unlucky and got slapped with both. My life now is not what i pictured it to be. Ever. Im very angry all the time because i dont function like a normal adult. I hold emetophobia responsible for many personality flaws that i carry with me- and im not referring to how it affects other people. I do my very best ot keep my phobia from annoying everyone around me. ive come to accept that it will always be around to torment and annoy me.
Aside from the emetophobia, the rest of my life seems to always be a mess and i really feel that its because emetophobia has made me a very scared, reluctant, cynical and cautious grumpy person with a very LOW self esteem. Physically, i know that some people fimd me attractive, but i dont feel attractive myself. Emotionally, i've been told by many that im the most understanding and easy-to-talk-to persons they ever met. And thats because I don't judge (possibly the one and only positive outcomes of emetephobia is a good personality lol). Of course, yes, I am selfish, but we all can agree that it is not done purposely and that we are at least aware that we are. Emotionally, i may have a good personality, but i do not have many friends, perhaps because i just let myself disappear. Even worse, I have been in only two long-term relationships among a few small meaningless ones... that have both turned out ot be pretty abusive. The first one was just stupid- and the second one I have been in for over 6 years and have gotten a beautiful son out of it.
My relationship now is very laughable to some- no one can understand why i am STILL with a 29 year old that is very selfish, irresponsible, and has pretty much been jobless since the birth of our son in March 2006. despite my emetephobia, i get up everyday and work- retail in the past and now cleaning houses with a friend and being a part-time caregiver to an old man- something i thought i could NEVER do. I worry everyday about that job, that something will happen- but i need the money desperately.
In high school I became one of the bad kids almost instantly, dropped out, partied alot, and never furthered my education. Alot of you may wonder how i "party" with this phobia, but i was always super careful, never to exceed the limit, and have since then grown to love alcohol. In eighth grade, i began taking paxil and from what i remember, my anxiety seemed ot get under control. Took it a few years and i cant remember why i got off of it. for awhile my anxiety was a little more manageable, but now that my son is no longer a baby that only ingests milk, my anxiety is in full gear.
My dilemma is this- my boyfriend is an asshole and i know I deserve better. But I cant leave him. He is jobless because he is unmotivated, a pothead, and lazy but i deal with it because i CANNOT be a single mom and live on my own because the anxiety alone about my son getting sick would just kill me so I have ot live with my parents. When an apartment with my boyfriend/son's father didnt work out bcuz i couldnt afford it myself, we broke up for awhile bcuz i got tough on him and felt very proud and strong ready to be a single mom. Then an incident happened with my son and bcuz my bf is sweet and supportive at times, i found myself being dependent on him. I cant live without him. My mother is understanding of my phobia and will take care of a situation without question- she does pretty well but it had taken yeaars of training if you know what i mean. But she is very mean to me because i am messy, live at home with them, drink beer 3-4 nights a week and in her eyes i am not successful enough. No matter what i do, i am never right.
So I dont know what ot do. I worry sometimes that maybe i am dependent on alcohol when i should be dependent on antidepressants again- my son is five and i feel like i walk around everyday like a zombie, anxious and depressed and always looking for ways to make MYSELF feel better rather than enriching my son's life by taking him places, doing things, learning to cook, and being the best mom i should be. And this next part is where it really gets hard for me.
last summer when Louie was four, he started complaining he didnt feel good in the car. id literally slam on the breaks, pull over anywhere and make him get out of the car. Id tell everyone, my mom, my family, my boyfriend, that i thought he was develpoping carsickness and they'd say i was just being paranoid. or that he was feeding off my anxiety (which i promise you all i try very hard to hide). Sure enough, my son DID indeed get worse and actually did V$%&# in my cousins van and on the way to my cousin's barbecue in Wisconsin. The first trip was only 20-30 minutes and the second time was only after 20 minutes in the car.
You can only imagine what this has done to me. before, i thought i was a pretty functioning mom, doing the best i can. But mow i will literally not drive my son anywhere longer than a 5-10 minute drive and i even try to avoid taking him to preschool, summer school, grocery store- all of which are 3-4 miles away at most. Its really sad, and its causing alot of guilt. I should be taking him places with me, going to the mall, etc. A normal person would, right? But unfortunately I'm not normal. And im afraid that not-normal people should not have kids, but i cant imaging my life without louie, and raising a child is a wonderful experience. i just cant wait til hes about ten years old!!!!
So i hope this wasnt an absurd length for an introduction- i always have liked to write and tend to go on and on--- any comments would be appreciated and if anyone ever wants to chat let me know!!
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