I don't know what to do anymore. This fear is getting out of control!

[ihatemyself]

Hi guys. I am a new member. I am really sorry if there were some links I could've/should've clicked on that answered this.

I just need to vent this somewhere and get it off my chest.

But I just don't know what to do anymore. Every time I come across v*, I really do want to kill myself. I don't understand why it is this bad but it always has been. I've had this fear since 1st grade (I am now a senior in high school) and never has anyone every tried to help. People normally respond by fake gagging around me to get a reaction. That is until they realize that I either panic or get extremely violent. I once broke a mirror on my wall because my brother tried and failed to show me someone v* on tv. And there was another time I threatened to kill myself. I just cannot control it. It's almost as if I turn into another person.

My dad and my brother (only people I live with) just make fun of me without understanding that it is my biggest fear. Put that on top of the fact that I am only 17 so I am just seen as a crybaby.

I refuse to go any exposure therapy, because I know it will only traumatize me. But I am running out of options. My fear is of OTHERS v* and not me.

I rarely even leave my house anymore because of it. I don't go to movies or watch certain shows. I refuse to go to places where I have no way of exiting if someone ever v*, I sometimes contemplate missing school just in case someone is sick.

I can't take it anymore and I am losing hope. Please tell me what I should do

[regina]

Would it be possible for you to talk to a therapist (non-exposure)? They might be able to help you find coping skills.

And welcome.

[misslucy1590]

Hi, I wonder what your perception of exposure therapy is. From what I know about it, you are gradually exposed to anxiety triggers, and its done at your pace, no one is going to force you to do anything you don't feel comfortable. It's unlikely that it'll even be suggested that you do something that will actually make you sick.

Having said that, there are many different types of therapy that can help with this. You don't have to throw yourself in the deep end with exposure therapy. You could go for counselling, hypnotherapy etc.

And welcome to the site, I hope you find it helpful and good luck

[Ana Bellini]

There are many types of therapy, not all of them involving exposure. I've been with therapists for the last 12 years (which is something, because I'm only 15), none of them involved exposure, and the last one, similar to CBT, helped me a lot.

Vomiting only lasts 30 seconds. You have your whole life ahead of you

[ihatemyself]

Haha Yeah...but those 30 seconds are literally the worst second of my life. I prefer death over being around it. It's that bad.

[JenyA03]

I understand. You're lucky that you only fear to see other's and not fear doing it yourself. It's harder to escape yourself in this situation. I'm scared of both (deathly) and I too hate myself because I can't enjoy every aspect of my life. When I was your age, people would react the same way when they found out my fear. Its not worth trying to make them understand, just walk away. You should try to talk to your school counselor if you can't get to a medical therapist. Also, try to really talk to your father about your fear... Maybe you're counselor could help you talk to your dad. There's hope and I know as you get older things will be more manageable. But to get through this you need a support system.

[ihatemyself]

Hi guys. Sorry for such a late reply. Well I really can't get therapy because my dad won't allow it.
And yesterday I pretty much had to fake like I was going to the counselor's office at school because we were watching an episode of some stupid, gross show (I think it was hoarders) and I was constantly looking around the room to make sure no one looked sick.
It's so bad that I can't even stay in class anymore!

[XxLOVExX]

Why wouldnt your father allow you to get help? Does your father know how badly you are struggling with being an emet? Or that you want to kill yourself over the thought of V?? You need help, talk to someone at your school. Guidance counselor, a trusted teacher. I am sorry but wanting death over getting sick. There is something wrong with this, you do understand that right? It sounds a bit melodramtic, I dont mean to be harsh or rude but come on, there is always a solution to the problem you just have to look. Make slow baby steps.. Just my two cents for what they are worth.

[Grace47]

If you're having thoughts of suicide and becoming violent at the very thought someone might v, you need to talk to someone for some help. Do you have a grandmother or an aunt you can talk to? Many pastors are trained in counseling if you are a religious person. Would your father mind you talking to a pastor or priest?

[ihatemyself]

He doesn't believe it is that big of a deal. I'm pretty sure he doesn't care. At times it gets a little better, to the point where I wouldn't have such morbid thoughts, but sometimes they still pop up in the back of my mind. I don't know how these thoughts started. Do you think it could be exacerbated by feelings of depression? What I mean is, I've gone to counseling before (the one time my dad did care), after I had been feeling depressed after my mom died (She was sick all the time and v* a lot so maybe that's where it started getting worse?) .It didn't help and I was never diagnosed, so I just stopped going. Can my feelings of depression "influence" these thoughts I have about my fear?

Usually after a while I will calm down and just become angry at the person. And I know. It is very dramatic, but I just don't know why I feel like this . I don't have family members to talk to. We aren't that close of a family, nor are we religious.

[chixy]

I think being depressed can make it more difficult to deal with negative things going on around you, and emetophobia is one of them, so yeah I definitely think your depression can make it worse, or at least more difficult to control.
Therapy isn't a quick fix, it takes months or years. I had this misconception that I'd go to like two meetings and then I'd have a diagnosis if there was anything to diagnose and then I'd start whatever therapy would be necessary. It's not really like that, it takes MUCH longer than you first think. But, if you have a therapist you feel you can trust and who understands you and your needs, it will help.
Your anger issues, depression and occasional suicidal thoughts are problems in themselves as well, like it's not just as black and white as the emetophobia alone. I definitely think you should take earlier advice in this thread and talk to somebody because these things can be really difficult to handle and get over by yourself. You don't have to feel this way, and there is help to get if you just ask for it. Like somebody said in an earlier response, you can talk to somebody at your school. Even if it's just a teacher, it's better than not talking to anyone.
And, one last thing, I understand if you don't want to go through exposure therapy but I feel like I need to stress the fact that exposure therapy is not meant to be extreme or traumatizing, it's all done in your own pace and on your conditions. A good therapist would never ask you to v* or something like that. The therapist doesn't decide what exactly you're going to get exposed to, it's you yourself who does it. I think it's basically that you write a list of anxiety triggers and grade the anxiety level from one to ten. You then start by exposing yourself to a trigger with an anxiety level of one, and you keep exposing yourself to this trigger at your own pace, with the therapist there to help you and guide you through it. When your anxiety is completely gone, you move up a step. There are loads of therapy options that aren't exposure therapy, but I'm pretty sure that regular exposure has been the most successful option in treating emetophobia so if you ever feel like you might be able to handle it, it's definitely something you should consider.