OT: Getting over a Friend

[samara's on tv]

Okay you guys I really have no where else to turn to and I'm hoping that maybe I can get some good advice here.


I had a friend, she was a really good friend of mine, my best friend I guess I would say.I knew her for about 6 years.We fell in love with each other (I love her more then anything, and yes I am also a female if you don't like lesbians then that's your problem) Anyway she was from a strict catholic background and her mother (who she was BEST FRIENDS with) Decided that she couldn't see me anymore. So they moved away (Really) And changed their phone numbers and everything without me knowing where they are. It's been a year since I last talked to her but I can't get her out of my head. I think about her all the time, I dream about being with her again. I know I need to get over her but I just can't. It was the first time I loved someone who actually loved me back (I loved someone else before her but it was totally one sided) Anyway any advice about getting over a lost love is welcome. I'm hoping someone on this board will say something to help me get past this heart ache!


Help me PLEASE!


~Monica

[mitch04133]

Losing the love of your life is a difficult thing, and I am sorry you have to go through that. I thought I was losing the love of my life until I met my new boyfriend. I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. You should feel saddness, but you should also feel joy, because you were one of the few who have actually experienced real love. Not many people know what it is like to truly love, and too truly feel love in return. Remember the old saying, "it is better to have love and lost, then to have never loved at all". I know it hurts, but this happened for a reason, a reason you might know right now, but it happened for some reason. I wish you all the best,


Michele

[Eternity]

Perhaps to realise that the more time passes, the more we make someone up to be much more fantastic than they really were, forget all the bad things about them and remember only the good, as though theyre some kind of an idol up on a pedestal...


But it isnt real
I dont mean, that what you had wasnt real, but perhaps what you feel now is based on something other than objective memory.. having experienced something similar myself, and just gotten back in touch with him, I was dissapointed.. because the idea of him was better than the reality after nearly a year of not speaking (im rambling now, sorry)

The point was that shes a human being, and humans are never quite perfect... all these idealist perceptions about the soulmate principle and true love and such like arent based in reality. Love exists, certainly, but people are not perfect for each other, but rather some just fit better together than others.. and if you think of love that way then theres a million potential people out there that are pretty well perfect for you.


I dont think theres an answer, I dont think theres a easy cure all for heartache.. but dont you realise how terribly lucky you are ever to have felt this atall?
Some people go through their whole lives never really trusting anyone enough to fall in love, or get hurt because they fall hopelessly for someone who doesnt love them back.


... no its no good, I cant resist one last cynical comment...
if she was still in love with you too, she would have surely found a way to call you. Presumably she knowswhere you are.

[sage]

What a terribly, terribly sad story! It made me cry just to read it. And how cruel for the mother to do such a thing...bah...peoples' prejudices...


I think the reason that people can't get over grief (and I'm a grief counsellor) is that they don't enter fully into it, so it just haunts them at a low-level forever. You need to really FEEL the pain, cry a lot, maybe dedicate a whole week to "mourning" as people used to do in the old days. Do you have a picture of her or other memorobelia? You could bring it out to "help" trigger the sadness, and then really cry. It's like a death - what you've experienced, and once people truly grieve a death, they come to acceptance of it. But not before.


I hope this cyber-advice helps. (PS - grieving the loss may actually help reduce your anxiety level as well...nothing makes a body more anxious than repressed grief)

[samara's on tv]

Thanks for all of your wonderful answers! I know it's better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. It's going to be hard to get over her and I think that Eternity is right about remembering someone being better then they actually were. Thinking back on it we did fight a lot (Mostly because of her mother) Her mother was CONVINCED I was going to some how convert her into being a lesbian. Love it love no matter what form it comes in (That's how I see it) Anyway thanks again for the answers!


~Monica

[hippychick]

Hey!


I'm so sorry to hear that happened, it's terrible. My first girlfriend whom I loved more than anyone was also my best friend, she might still be. But due to her illness and circumstance I don't talk to her very often and actually even saying this now makes me want to cry. I miss her so much but I've lost her and I can't do a damn thing but go on with my life. And it does hurt. Eternity is right though people are never as great as you romantisize them to be. And time is a great healr even if it doesn't feel like it. I think the thing to do is to feel sad, feel those emotions and then try somehow to put it aside and get on. The more new memories you make the better.


Xxxxxxxxx

[snowangel]

It is so hard to get over someone. Everyday is a new day and move forward, look ahead with good memories. Here is an excellent break up poem and no i didnt write it!!!
It has helped me through so many hard times:

Comes the Dawn

After a while you learn the subtle difference between
holding a hand and changing a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean learning
and company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts,
and presents aren't promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns you
if you get too much.

So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure.....
That you really are strong, and you do have worth.

And you learn and learn....
With every good-bye you learn.

[jesskali]

I love that poem--it has stayed with me for years and has helped me through many hard times.

I don't have much advice to give. I was engaged to someone a few years ago and we broke up a few months before the wedding. I loved this person so much and I grieved for a year after the break-up. Then someone else came along that was everything I could have ever wanted in a man and swept me off my feet. We were married 9 months after we met. Looking back, if me and my fiance had never broken up, I would have never met my husband now. I can honestly say that it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I know if I had married that person, we would already be divorced by now.

Jess