Today was probably one of the biggest fallbacks that I have had recently. I was doing so well, hardly any panic, but now I am back to my old paranoia, jumping at everything and keeping the door unlocked so that I can run out of it away from my father and crying.


Today I was horseback riding, everything was fine, and then I was grazing my horse by the barn. My dad walked to get some water in our car. He was drinking, then he started to cough, and then he fell over onto the grass. Luckily some people were there, and they called 911, and a nurse was there so she did blood pressure and stuff. I started screaming and crying, and I plugged my ears, because it kind of sounded like he was v*ing. I knew he wasn't though, I knew that it was probably one of his breathing problems that he sometimes gets, but it was still so scary! However, I couldn't make myself move. Finally someone took away my horse and someone else guided me towards him. All I could say was "my mother is in vermont" because it meant that me and my dad were alone, we didn't have anyone to call. Finally the ambulance came, he was fine, we drove home.


What irks me the most was how I couldn't move. My father was in danger, and i huddled over near the barn. I blamed it on how i didnt want my horse to trample him, but I knew that if I hadn't had the horse I wouldn't have run very close. I would have screamed for help. So, I'm mad at myself. How could this happen again?? I am a failure, I can't even try to save my own father, and now I've reverted back to when I was at my worst and under psychiatric care.


ugh!


<3 Anya--