I'm so angry at myself at the moment, I keep screwing everything up for myself and making life difficult for everyone around me. I blame the emet but that's not even what all of it's about, I feel like I'm using it as an excuse. I'm 16, I'm supposed to be going out and having fun occasionally right??? But whenever anyone says "We're going up to London/to a party/for a sleepover, want to come?" immediately I'm looking for excuses. I don't know why I want to make myself in to this reclusive loser woman but I just can't seem to make the effort and take a risk. I can handle meeting up if it's at my house or if it's me organising it but when it's someone else I don't have control and I can't handle it, I don't have fun I just worry.


I was looking through my friends MySpace's today and all their pictures are like "This is me on the ferry to France with my buddies" or "This is me at Jack's party, I think..." I want to do that stuff too, and I want to enjoy it.


Part of me thinks I should just start saying yes to things but I know that if I do go out and I see someone v* or something, I will just get knocked right back down again. I really can't take this, it's wrecking my relationships with people too. My friend had food poisoning for like 4 days and when she came in today, I was avoiding her! How did I think I could catch food poisoning?? Or did I think she would v* in front of me? SO WHAT??!! Part of my brain seems to know that but how am I going to convince the rest of it?


I don't want this any more, I'm going to Uni in a couple of years and I know once I get there it's going to be more parties and more things to do and I can either hear about them, or I can join in.


I need to get over this, I'm so frustrated that I know this phobia is crap and based on nothing real but I can't make it go!