Well, yesterday (or last night, in the wee hours of the morning), I had my one month anniversary of v*. A month seems like nothing compared to the 19 years I had perviously, but it seems like just yesterday, but also a long time. I have been a nervous wreck all month. My emet has been very severe. When I panicked before, I used to think in the back of my mind, "I haven't done it in so long, why would I now?" But now, when I panic, I think the worst. I think, it's possible now.


I worry about things (like clothing and my jacket) that could have remnants of my virus on them, and I could suddenly re-infect myself. I know that I had a little immunity from catching it again,but how long does it last? A few weeks? A month? Six months? I am worrying like never before and I hate it!


I've been taking meds for a few weeks and finally went back to a therapist, but when I told him about emet, he had the typical "Huh?" look. I wish this phobia was more well known and understood. The only thing I can tell him, is that it is very closely related to the fear of losing control. But what does "losing control" mean anyway?


I'm just a mess right now. No job. No sanity. On the verge of no hope. [img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img] I really want to get better. I just have no idea how. I've been suffering for over 20 years. Is the rest of my life going to be this bleak?