I’ve sat here staring at the blank message box for a good 10 or 20 minutes before I could think of anything to say, so I figure I’ll just start typing and see what comes out of it and if anyone can help, or offer advice to me.
I’m an 18 year old senior in high school, living in Hawaii and my phobia has gotten worse. I want to get treatment before I go to college next year, but where I live there aren’t a lot of competent doctors or therapists and certainly NONE that I know of that have ever dealt with emetophobics.
It’s becoming really difficult and frustrating for me to cope with my phobia lately. I do a good job most of the time hiding the outward signs of panic attacks and rationalizing with myself, to the point where most of my close friends and family wouldn’t even KNOW that I had a phobia in the first place if I hadn’t told them. Despite being able to outwardly keep it together I’ve noticed that my panic attacks and triggers have been increasing over the course of this year. It used to be that I could go for months without even thinking about vomiting or any of my fears, and if I DID happen to think about them I could find a way to dismiss them. That’s not the case anymore, it seems like the better I’ve gotten at “coping” the worse the fears have gotten. Now I think about my fears at least every week and often every day. When I eat out, even at restaurants I’ve eaten at a million times without any trouble I still have to talk myself down during and afterwards. I can’t be around sick people, I get uncomfortable in crowds, sometimes I can’t even WATCH TV SHOWS where cartoon characters or actors are vomiting without closing my eyes and plugging my ears, thats new to me. I used to love roller coasters and amusement parks but now I’m scared to even ride the rides at the county fair because I might get sick! I’ve lived with this phobia for about as long as I can clearly remember and it’s never been as bad as this. I feel so hopeless and I don’t know what to do.
Just yesterday I was driving in the car with a friend of mine, laughing and joking around and suddenly I had a coughing fit and then all of a sudden I felt sick and I thought “I’m going to throw up”, I had a terrible panic attack right there behind the wheel. I had to pull over at a convenience store and buy mints and gum for myself before I could even get behind a wheel. For me, in the grips of a mind blowing panic attack, throwing up is a fate worse than death and I am literally inconsolable until I feel better. I haven’t thrown up in over 10 years. After the panic attack ebbed off I just felt exhausted and completely ashamed with myself I can’t even explain why. I’m really sick of living this way but I don’t know what to do. The shame is also a new thing that I didn’t feel before, but now it seems like every time I have a bad attack of anxiety connected with my phobia I just feel absolutely horrible afterwards.
Next year I’m going to be going off to college and I feel like I should be getting better but its just getting worse.