i've posted on a number of threads that part of the reason im down at the moment is that things were bad between me and my boyfriend and i was hoping things would get better, particularly now i seem to beginning to win my battle with emet and self-harm. The last couple of weeks ive done nothing but think about our relationship and its upsetting me so much, i wish i had a friend i could confide in about it but i dont so here goes im going to try writing everything down because keeping it inside is causing me so much pain and i feel like i have nowhere to turn,


Things got particularly bad a couple of months ago when my bf just suddenly went off sex. We did do it a couple of times since then but everytime afterwards he said he wished he hadn't and that during it it didn't feel right, and i got really upset that he had carried on knowing he felt like that. i also ended up feeling really used and worthless. Anyway we split up and that night i went out with some friends and got a little drunk. None of my friends would walk me home so i ended up walking on my own at 11 at night, down very dark roads with woods etc. my bf came to find me as i didnt go home and when he found me i was just stood slumped up a wall crying my eyes out cos i was so upset. he took me home and said he couldnt bare to see my upset, and seeing me like that made him realise how much he cared, anyway one thing lead to another but a few days later he again told me he wished we hadn't. I started getting more and more depressed and we split up again, but when i got upset he decided to start things up again. Things didnt improve, we had no sex life, we hardly saw each other etc etc, then i went home from uni and while at home heard from a friend that we had split up. I got really upset again but we just stayed friends and things were ok, he was happy but inside i was hurting so much. Before we came home for christams break we decided to give it another go.


We met up a couple of days later and it was great, the way he looked at me, the way he held me etc etc, everything just felt right. In the week leading up to christmas everything was fine, even though we werent in contact much. Then on Christmas day i got really upset because all my friends were spending christmas with their partners, and i couldnt but on top of that he didnt even phone me. At 4pm i phoned him and he got angry with me cos he was busy and refused to talk to me. he then phoned me at about 10pm and i was extremely upset at this point, i always want to speak to the people i care about on christmas and birthdays. i started crying on the phone, partly because i miss him so much and he just hung up on me.


Things are ok now except over the last week he has told me he doesnt really fancy me anymore, and that sometimes he hates me. I am not allowed to phone him or text him, i have to wait for him to make contact. And then he will only speak to me on msn messenger. he says he loves me, but how can he when he is like this to me. If i get upset about something, he just refuses to talk to me. I havent seen him since the 19th december now.


At the moment i feel so worthless. i love him so much and would do anything for him, but i get nothing back. I feel like a burden. He says he doesnt want to be with me but when i get upset about us being apart he says we'll get abck together, why does he keep doing that if he doesn't want me.


sorry for the essay, i just dont know what to do. part of me, in fact most of me thinks i should walk away but i just can't.