This is SO OT, but as I've said a million times in my several OT threads, I always feel comfortable expressing my concerns to you guys.

SO, I have a lot of random health issues, although my colonoscopy/endoscopy came back okay, and so did my CT scan. I've missed school due to them, but a majority of my missed school this year has been skipping. I have ZERO motivation to go to school, to see my "friends", to do my work. I never do my homework, even in the subjects that I like. I wanted this year to be a fresh start, get good grades, but I'm tanking. I'll go to school for two subjects out of four and go home or go downtown. By myself. My friends aren't into that, they're smart, not an idiot like me.

I haven't told my mom this. The school doesn't even call my house anymore when I miss school because, well, I've missed so much. I'm failing sewing (but honestly I suck at it anyway, my mom and aunt told me not to worry about sewing, basically telling me if I was anything like them, I'd fail) and math, or almost failing math. Everything else, I'm doing relatively well surprisingly. But that's not the point. I'm ashamed, of all my skipping, my lies to my mom, telling her that I go to sewing, that I attend math, talk to my teachers, etc. That I leave school sometimes as soon as she drops me.

I'm just so unhappy when I go there, and I tell myself, "Get over this, you're being stupid, school is part of life, and it's here for a reason." but nothing works. I can't even tell my counselor, I'm so embarrassed, I can't say these things out loud only on here. I can't tell my mom, I've told my brother and he's been helpful, and I've hinted things to my aunt (well I told her I never go to sewing, she said "Not that I encourage that, but I never went either...") but... I'm just in this shell.

I can't stop. I never want to go to school. I make myself sick, do whatever I need to do, to not go. I want to go to school somewhere else, start fresh, start without this environment I'm stuck in. I want to move away, go to boarding school, and I've wanted this for a long time. I'm surrounding myself in lies and unhappiness, I'm only 13, things shouldn't be this way. I hate myself lately.

Some days I say, "I should drop out. My dad never went to high school, and look at him, he owns his own business, makes a lot of money, does what he does." but then I realize I don't actually want to end up like my dad, selfish, money-obsessed, high on himself... and I actually like learning. I wish they made school more... enjoyable, like some other schools I've heard of.

I know what I do is wrong and I feel awful, I want to stop but no matter how hard I try nothing helps, nothing works. I want to be able to graduate the same year as my friends, even with my friends eventually but no matter what I say to myself, or how much I bring in reality, I can't grasp anything.

I don't know what I'm asking here, all I really need is to talk, let this out, because I feel like I'm going to explode soon. I spend my days walking around with my camera and listening to my alternative/indie/punk rock music... I don't even feel like I belong at my school, which I've talked about before, none of my friends share my interests, I love to read, write, listen to music, play my guitar and piano, wear dark clothes or "hippie" clothes, I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.