OT mostly... need support :\

[summerdazies]

WARNING: eating disorder-related stuff MAY BE TRIGGERING to those who are sensitive.








I have mentioned once or twice before that I have a history of anorexia. When I was 11, I developed an eating disorder (mostly restrictive type AN, but occasionally abused laxatives and diuretics). I didn't get back to a normal weight until I was about 14 and still have "bad days" or even "bad months". But mostly I do pretty well and have been at a healthy weight - last summer I even managed to lose 15 pounds on Weight Watchers (wasn't over weight but had gained some and wanted to be a little slimmer - went from about 150 to 135 at 5'7.5") without triggering myself, which I took as a great sign. [For reference for those of you who don't know, I'm 20 now.] I've been maintaining since August weighing myself about every week or every two weeks. I don't count calories when I eat, and I usually have no trouble eating sweets (to say the least! haha!)

But today for some reason, I just got really really triggered. The smaller dining halls at my university are all closed for senior dinners so we would have to eat at the big one (Commons - think the Hogwarts Great Hall), but 3/4 of the undergrad population in one dining hall = a nightmare so a suitemate and I went out for good cheap Asian food. I had steamed edamame and udon/steamed vegetable soup. Afterwards, I wanted to grab a treat - I was thinking ice cream or fro yo - [my suitemate went back to take a nap, I was by myself] because I finished my last essay of the term today. But for some reason I couldn't decide and nearly had a panic attack in the convenience store looking at cookies because they don't come in small packages and I was afraid of bringing back too many. And I thought I had too much dairy already today, and I didn't want to have to scrub my tongue again today and chocolate does that. So I got all wound up and went back to my room without any dessert, nearly started throwing stuff because I couldn't find my workout shorts and felt like I needed to reorganize everything, and then ran for an hour on the treadmill in the basement despite a sprained ankle and a bad cramp in my quad that's been bugging me for several days (fyi, I don't usually work out. I just walk a lot because of classes and stuff.) The entire time I kept having these thought battles in my head - it's ok to stop now, no, you have to do 15 more minutes, etc etc.

I hate this. I hate this little ed voice in the back of my head. I hate that I have this perverse sense of pride in being dehydrated and achy and pushing myself to the limit (nearly v* actually, so that did make me slow down, haha) My compulsive tendencies are usually pretty benign - I can't sleep unless my bladder's totally empty, I can't leave the light on when I leave my room, weird little things like that - but I'm fighting the urge to reorganize my entire room. I'm moving out in a few days anyway. What the hell?!

Bless you if you've read through this. I guess I just want to feel like someone's listening. I can't tell people in real life because they'll start watching what I eat, getting on my case etc.