Im terrified, im so so scared. Im 15 years old and this phobia has been a massive part of my life for 5 years now, and has basically very slowly been pushing me down slower and slower into the floor, its like its a massive weight on my shoulders and i can't take it anymore, i hate to sound dramatic, but if i have a life ahead of me of feeling this n* every single day, i hate looking forward. Im scared. Just genuine fear, its ripping me to pieces, and that doesnt feel metophorical anymore, the n* is literally so bad and painful at times it feels like someone ripping in the inside of my stomach just pressing from the inside against my skin until i just curl up into a ball and just beg for someone to make it stop, and because its all in my head i know thats not possibe and never will be. I hate to sound this depressing but its just how i feel right now.
School is so so terryfing for me, i spend every lesson gripped in the intensity and sheer horror of my thoughts visualising the mental image of v* dripping from my lips. I wish i could tell someone at school, a teacher or something, just so an adult could give me some help and guidence for school, but i know that as soon as i confide in a teacher they will tell my parents which i dont want to happen, i give my parents enough reason to be dissapointed in me i dont want them to know what i go through just yet. If i tell someone at school does anyone know if legally they have to tell my parents? I wish i could just talk to an adult at school who could help me find copeing mechanisms but if it means telling my parents then i simply cant.
Any advice?
Its just not a nice feeling to be a teenager who is genuinly scared to wake up in the morning, where my midset percieves that the prospect of a new day is one to visualise in fear and dread, and that sleep is an 'escape from n*' rather than simply 'sleep'
All my love to anyone who can reply to this <3 I genuinly thank anyone whos read all of that!