Recently my life has been pretty stressful, my Grandma is in a hospice and is in her final weeks, however I got a place at my first choice university.

I am scared when I visit my Grandma even though the hospice is sanitary I am scared I am going to catch something. I wash my hands twice in two separate sinks before I leave. I love her dearly and she is not ill with stomach issues and is resilient, I feel like a selfish horrible person that when I visit her I am just worrying in my head all the time. I am ashamed all I worry about is myself and if I will be unwell.

I am scared when I go to uni I will be living with people who are unclean and will get SV* and then I will get it. When I am trapped with people who are ill my anxiety goes through the roof and I can't let it interfere with my studies. I suffer stress-induced anorexia also, so when things get bad it's a vicious circle...

I am also scared if/when I start a family (I'm only 19 so it's a way off!) I will v during pregnancy, or my child will v and I will be unable to care for/clear it up. I know if I have a child I will be a useless excuse for a mother worrying all the time about illness and will probably pass on this terrible fear to my child or be unable to be affectionate in case I catch something.

Basically I am worried about everything. Sorry if this was boring or long (if anyone even read this >_<) but I needed to vent this and write it down.

I feel overwhelming guilt that I let this rule my life, if people could read my mind they'd hate me. Times like this make me feel like a big waste of space and oxygen.
:'(