Hi I'm new

I've been worrying for the past two days about a get together with friends. I'm not that badly off with my fear I guess? But I'm going drinking with friends this weekend. I want to go, I really do. I've already sunk money into it. But I'm scared that someone will go past their limits and end with me freaking out. I've mentioned it to my best friend today, who is going as well, and she said she can leave with me if I have to. She knows her limit etc. I know shes fantastic and probably does, but I'm planning that I'm going to have to leave alone or go lock myself somewhere far away from them.

I've been on edge from that, and then my brother woke up crying maybe half an hour ago. Hes 2. Dad brought him downstairs. I knew what was wrong with him and I just ran. Like Got up and bolted for my room. So now, not only am I stressing over this weekend, I'm trying to not panic over this right now. I really dont want to have to resort to begging to go to my grandmother's this late. Its what I did last time.

I'm really trying to keep calm, but I don't know if I can go this weekend now. My hands are itching, im trying not to cry, i feel like I might freak out more than a reasonable amount. Im trying to prevent that by listening to music and reading, but its hard. I'm itching and want to pace and want to shower in hothothothot water and i just feel like im going to sob. I don't want to. I dont want this to ruin my friend's birthday this weekend. I dont want this to make me hide away more.

It doesnt help that my mom gets mad at me and laughs about this. I'm 21, I feel like such a failure for this sort of stuff.