I believe that I have emetophobia... And if this isn't emetophobia I don't know what else it could be.

I've had this issue ever since I was very young and I don't remember how it started. My earliest memories is in a doughnut shop that my mom would always take me to before school. I was in possibly the second grade at the time? Maybe even pre-k? I don't know.

I'm not sure what it's like for others with this phobia but for me it's like an inescapable cycle. It starts with the news of going out, either to eat or in public places with lots of foods such as a mall. My anxiety starts to raise. Then, the more and more I think about and try my best not to, I just can't help but gag a little. Next, is me running to the nearest trash can or bathroom and then vomiting.

I was doing really well for a long time of controlling my fear until three days ago AND the day before yesterday.

Three days ago my family and I went to the one mall that I don't really like because it's too far away from home, my safe zone, and it's the one with the really big and loud and smelly food court. The smells of food in a high energy place can be a trigger sometimes. Thankfully I didn't have a panic attack in the mall... Just outside as we were leaving the trucks... I tried my best to keep it together before and after the movie. (Maleficent was awesome by the way, so great that I forgot about my fear for awhile.)

And the day before yesterday my Aunt took my sisters and I to the zoo. The one place that I really, really, really, love and thought that I would be safe from panic attacks and never have them there... I was wrong. My anxiety started when I woke up. I was nervous I guess from the day before, concerned because I was doing so well and to have that happen suddenly... It was terrifying. I did my best to push my fears out of my head and it worked for a little while. Until my group went to the foods... By then I was quickly walking to the bathroom and that's were I stayed until some worried strangers called one of the zoos medics, who got me two ice packs, one for the back of my neck and the other for one arm pit, and ice cold water and then proceeded to take me to the First Aid room.

The room reminded me of high school because I'd always go to the nurses office when I was feeling anxiety. It made me feel a little better but also reminded me of all the terrible times I had in there.

My group was called to be in there with me as they couldn't allow me to be by myself in the room. Zoo rules I suppose. My cousin bought me fries to put some food in my stomach because I had nothing to eat that morning. Or any morning for that matter. My traumatic experience in the doughnut shop were enough to make me completely stop eating in the morning... When I was in Jr High I never ate both breakfast and lunch because of my traumatic experiences there. I thought if I didn't eat I wouldn't vomit and that's partly true but having an empty stomach doesn't stop me from gagging and spitting up spit and mucus.

And so, there I was in the First Aid room thinking about how controlling this fear is over me. I'm ready to move on from this but I'm unsure how. I know there are therapists out there who treat Emetophobia but I fear they would cost too much. I've been to a doctor before and he suspected that I was "acting up because I might have been raped in school." And no such thing has ever happened to me. I've also been to a therapist but at the time I didn't know I had emetophobia or even such a phobia existed. Before I stopped seeing her (because she was pregnant and about to leave work for a while) she suggested that "maybe you'll just have to vomit ever morning." This was a few years ago and I never went back.

And I don't know how telling you my stories will help but I do feel better when I was in the middle of typing this... Until now, I'm a crying mess. xD

But anyways, thanks for reading. If you have any question, concerns, or comments please feel free to reply. :3