Hi. (Will try keep a long story short) - please, don't judge me.
I am 28 and met the man I wanted to spend my life with 5 years ago. We lived 400miles apart and I left all my friends and family to be with him almost 2 years ago now. (I still haven't made any friends here yet! - I'm shy)
anyway, he was told he would probably never have children.. Yet we decided to try for a baby anyway. After 4 months I fell pregnant. My emet hadnt seemed bad at all before then and I thought I could cope with anything! ..but the week i found out I was pregnant I became so nauseous. It was relentless, from the moment I woke up till moment I fell asleep - and I'd even wake up in the night feeling so, so sick this went on for weeks (even though I was never actually sick) ..but it was like one long constant anxiety attack. I would feel waves of anxiety and nausea sweep over me in bed and I hated my situation.. I felt trapped and so alone and frightened. I decided to terminate my pregnancy, my partner devastated but so supportive as he could see how bad I was. I had become so bad that I was feeling suicidal :/ ..so when I had my termination all I could feel was total relief.
Since the I've been in therapy (cbt), which has helped a lot - I do things I never would have done before.. But the phobia is still very much there. I had a pregnancy scare last month and felt that same 'trapped/nausea/uncontrollable panic' in bed that night.. I want a baby.. And who knows if my partners fertility is getting worse (we think it is) and I'm not getting any younger... I don't want to get to 40 and look back and hate that I was never brave enough. But I don't know how to get around this it's awful. Any advice ??