I just need to vent a little, maybe you guys can understand and offer some kind words. I've had emetophobia since I was a little kid, but these past two months, it's gone out of control. I'm an 18-year-old girl and I fear I'm missing out on life due to this phobia. I should be enjoying my senior year of high school, yet here I am, in a constant state of panic. I make my mom sleep in my room with me out of fear that I'll get s* and it's so embarrassing. I can't eat anymore due to the fear. I am working on this with my therapist, but it's only helped slightly. I'm just so afraid that my life will be torture forever.

It's weird because as a kid and young teenager, I never v'ed, ever. I went probably like 13 years without n* or v* until this past February. I got the sv* and I was panicked about 30 mins before v'ing, but when it happened, I literally said to my mom: "oh my god, this is what I've been afraid of? seriously? this is nothing!" and proceeded to be s* the rest of the night without any worries. Yeah, I was tired and uncomfortable, but I certainly wasn't afraid. My mom said she thought she'd have to rush me to the ER and have me sedated when I got s*, since she knew what terror this fear brought me. When I was fine and relaxed, we both were shocked and very proud. I have no clue why months later, I'm so scared of v* that I literally can't sleep or eat sometimes because of it. I know deep down that I can handle it, yet I get so scared anyways.

What makes it worse is that I have a poor stomach to begin with. It gets upset when I'm stressed or nervous, and my nerves have been insanely bad lately, obviously. Every single day I either feel pain, bloated/fullness, or n*. It confuses me so much and makes me so upset. Not only am I mentally struggling, but now my body feels gross too. Part of me feels like I'm not even afraid of v*, I'm afraid of the unknown. I feel so awful everyday and I'm afraid that when I actually am s*, I'll be like, pfft this is just anxiety, and not be prepared because of it. I can't sit in front of the toilet every single day awaiting the one day when I'm actually s*. I just don't know how to be carefree and tell myself that I'll live my life and when I'm s*, I'll deal with it then. I guess it's hard because I feel s* everyday, so I never know when I need to deal with it and when I don't.

My last big worry is the fact that I probably should be on medication. Before this fear got out of control, I was seeing a therapist for my severe OCD. I still see her and she helps with my fear, but on top of this fear, I have a plethora of other OCD obsessions. I want to get on medication and get better, but every medication I see tells me that n* and v* are side effects and it terrifies me. I know that it takes months sometimes for meds to kick in and start making you feel mentally better, I don't think I can handle months of n* or v* and not being calmed from the meds on top of it.

I guess I just feel so lost and desperate. Everyday is a struggle to get through and I don't look forward to waking up anymore. I don't know how much longer I can do this and I just want to feel less alone.