I had a session with my therapist today where we spoke more in depth about my emetophobia since I've been dealing with nausea for the last 48 hours and I had a fairly bad panic attack last night where I was only able to fall asleep because I mentally exhausted myself. During this discussion I ended up talking in a lot more detail about what it really is about this fear that I dislike and it brought a lot to my attention. I realised that it's not necessarily the act of v* that bothers me (yes it's unpleasant, but then again I'm pretty sure no one on this planet 'likes' it) as it's usually pretty quick; it's the huge amount of uncertainty and lack of knowing that frightens me the most.

There are so many unknown variables that come along with the act: what caused it, why am I feeling n*, have I eaten anything dodgy, what is this sensation in my stomach, will it happen, how long will it happen for, will it happen once and that's it, will it continue all day/night, will I make it to a toilet in time, will anyone see me, how long will it take me to recover, how long until I can eat/drink normally again - all of which I think is quite nicely summarised in the phrase 'when can I just get on with my life normally again?' I'm sure it's the same for a lot of you but I really like to be in control of my life, so an event such as v* that comes with so many things I can't control is probably one of the most terrifying things for me.

My session ended with my therapist saying that it sounded like my emetophobia isn't really the root of the problem (although I do have a particularly traumatic memory of a certain time when it happened I was 10) and that it I actually have a fear of the unknown from which the emetophobia stems. I was told that in order to conquer this fear, I need to learn to let go of my need to control everything and to just accept that bad things can happen but they are only temporary. I suppose this is why I'm always given mindfulness exercises to do every week since they deal with focussing on the present moment.

I'm not totally sure if I'm going anywhere with this thread, but I guess I wanted to share some things that I discovered about myself in the hope that it might also click with some of you. If I was going to ask a question to anyone reading this I guess it would be something like, what is it exactly that you are afraid of and why?