OK, I'm gonna be pathetic here, but I'd like to hear some advice from you all, because I'm going through kind of a rough time:


As I wrote a few weeks back, my Mom died on January 23, 2004, three days before mybirthday, and this last T-Giving fell on what would have been her 55th birthday. Since T-Giving, I have been thinking about her alot, and can't shake this extreme sadness. I can't show any emotion about this in front of my daughter because she will cry, she misses her "Gramma Sandy" immensely. I can't in front of hubby, because he is no support at all--he's a little selfish. My Mom used to talk to me, help me. When something was bothering me I would call or visit her crying and I'd end up happy and laughing. She was the best Mom to me, she was literally my best friend. Gosh, I keep thinking of the night the phine call came that she had died. I just saw her a few hours before, and knew she would die soon, but I can't get that call out of my mind. I went to see her and I still remember her face like it was yesterday. I just laid my head on her chest and put my arm around her. I cried like I've never cried before. I keep thinking of how I will never see her again. There are so many questions I wanna ask her, but can't. I still wanna call her just to hear her voice, or to hear her tell me I'm silly. I still need her "cure-all" hugs. I get NOTHING from hubby, and I feel so alone. I even considered having an affair, but in good conscience can't do it. I need to fill the void that my Mom left. There are nights that I will cry in my bathroom or in the shower so that I can wash my face w/cold water, that way no one would know that I'd been crying and ask me what's wrong. I feel that I can't handle this anymore. It's like my little chihuahua Lucy is my best friend now. Sounds weird, but true. How do I deal with this sadness? I can't stop crying, and just plain want her back, she was too young to die! There's also one particulr incident that I remember that is troublesome: My parents were divorced, and while Mom was in the nursing home, my Dad was suppose to go visit her. He hadn't been to see her the whole time she was sick. They were on pretty good terms too. Well, one day, she though he was gonna visit her, so she asked my sis and I to fix her hair and put some makeup on her and she was very happy that day. Well, the bastard never showed! I called him, very upset, and he told me he never said he would visit. Yes he did!! Ugghhh! So, I keep remembering having to tell her he wasn't coming, and had to look at her face with her hair fixed up with barrets, lipstick and all. She was strong though, took it in stride, even though I know she was sad. Hubby hates my dad to this day because of that. I wish these images would just go away, because I can't handle the sadness. I am alive tody because of her, she saved my life. I was abused by my 1st hubby, physically, mentally and sexually, and got suicidal. She literally saved my life. Now she's dead, and I can't show her how much I appreciate her. This sadness and loss gets overwhelming at times and I just wanna be alone. No hubby, no kids---no one. I just wanna sit by myself and think of Mom and be able to cry, stomp, throw things, yell, etc. I get heart palpitations too. I feel that I need to grieve and deal with this, but I honestly don't know how. I'm sorry for being so pathetic, but people here are so understanding and nice, and I think reading what you have to say can really help.........thanks.Edited by: californiagirl