Okay, I'm am so frustrated with this whole phobia that I have been temped to "treat myself at home" by self-inducing V* (not through ipecac). I don't even know if I am capable of doing such a thing, but I am desperate to try ANYTHING that would help me *regain control* over my fear of V*. I would literally set myself up a few days in advance and know what I was going to be V* and when and where it would happen so I could better "live in the moment" and get over the fear of the taste, smell, sound, etc... of myself doing the act.


I am trying to tell myself that if I V* once, even if intentionally, that I will know what it feels like and will not be as scared if it happens again (even if on accident) because I will have something to base it upon.


Now... there is one other twist to this --- What if the experience I place upon myself to induce V* makes me more terrified? That is where I'm catching myself in a hard spot.


Am I really insane here?!!!?