Well i know i haven't been on line for a while but i just needed to come and express and share this with u lot....my father fell ill 4 weeks ago at home,he's been ill for a few years with kidney failure,liver failure,waiting for a heart bypass and diabetes...so not a well man,but the nite he fell ill he started to vomit up blood,which is to do with the liver faliure...it was a very traumatic thing to c but guys i forgot about my emet and got on and cleared up the vomit,which was mostly blood ...this was a big accomplish for me....well after he was admitted things just went down hill,he start to bleed internally again and was rushed to emergencysurgery...they warned us he might not pull through because of all the other things wrong with him...i felt so hopeless and a lack of control...seeing my father laying there on life support,not knowing what was to be ahead....well how he pulled through the surgery i don't know,but he was critically ill when he came out of sedation,and we all new he might not make it....well unfortunately he didn't he died of pneumonia on mar 7th and it was such a difficult day...althou we knew he was very ill,we didn't want the machines turn't off but at the same time knew it was time for him to say goodbye....anyway its nearly 2 weeks since my Father passed away,the funeral was Fri just gone,and it was so surreal,like it wasn't really happening....What I'm sacred of is I'm not grieving and I'm worried with the grieving processnot happening,my panic attacks and depression has been multiplied....this is how i became bad with my emet and agoraphobia 6 yrs ago because my auntie had passed away and i didn't grieve properly till 5-6yrs after she died....so does anyone have any advice or techniques that will help,so that i won't get to were i was 6yrs ago..????


I hope this hasn't upset anyone but i felt i needed to realease some kind of emotions,all I've done is cry through the whole time I've been writing this...On top of that I've just had a phone call to say i failed my theory exam which i took while dad was critically ill in hospital...i know some of u will say don't be hard on yourself,u had alot going on but i failed the stress section....how could i do that,something that i'mtotally in tune with because of what I've been through,but also i wanted my father to be proud of me....


I hope everyone is doing well take care


Vicky x