Well after mentioning that I wasmolested by a stranger when I was 9, and now reading all of your posts about other types of abuse, I thought I would say that myself and my CBT councellor have come to the conclusion that my Emet was caused by bullying/verbal abuseat school, both my teachers and fellow students, and mainly at the age of 12/13.


I had a pretty happy childhood at home, my parents did everything they could for us to give us the best chances in life.


My mother does suffer from depression and anxiety, and has been on medication for it for as long as I remember. She had a physically abusive marriage before she married my dad, and i'm sureher depressionstems from that, amongst a few other issues.


The event that I keep thinking back to that may have caused my emet was as follows:


Our whole class had to do an oral presentation on our own on the topic of 'What we want to be when we grow up'. Well I decided to do mine on being an air hostess. I had prepared for it really well withsome help from my dad, and when the time came for me to stand up in front of the class and say it, I thought I did a pretty good job. I was really chuffed with myself and went to sit back at my desk. Then my teacher (who all the girls fancied as he was the PT teacher and quite cute) asked me to go back to the front of the class as he had a question for me. So I did. And i'll probably regret it forever. He then said to me: You say you want to be an air hostess, but aren't air hostesses supposed to be pretty?


I was absolutely gutted. I felt so ashamed and embarassed as the whole class burst out laughing at me. I walked back to my desk and sat down with my head on my hands, and tried very hard not to cry. I started to wear make up to schoolfrom the next day, anddid so for the rest of my school days . I don't know exactly when my emet started but I remember having it in those days. The panic attacks only started about 1.5 years ago though.


I wish I could go back to that school now and show that teacher how I turned out. when I think back I feel SO sorry for that little girl, standing inthe front of the class, humiliated. All I wanted to do was be liked and praised by everyone. Unfortunately that was not the case.


I know that this all exposes itself in my life now as this extreme need to be approved of and liked by everyone, by having extremely low self-esteem/confidence and by being a perfectionist.


I spend a lot of time trying tocontrolalmost every aspect of my life now -most things I do are in some form of routine - the way i wash myself in the shower, the way i apply moisturiser to my body, and of course how thoroughly I clean myself and my surroundings.


I know my EMET is DEFINATELY a control thing - when i'm feeling sick, I dont worry too much about being sick once, its the worry that I don't know how many times I will be sick or how long the sickness will last that freaks me out hte most! I also worry aboutwho will hear me and what they will think of me when they do.


Okay this post is very long so i'm going to go now, hope Ihavent depressed you all too much!