Man, your guys's stories are all so touching. Geez, just reading some of the absolute hell you went thro. You are all the bravest people I know. Really you are, its really hard when things are overshadowed by a phobia.


I belive Ive pretty much had this phobia ever since I could remember. I know it kinda reached a peak when I was in 3rd grade and 9 years old. I caught this awful stomach bug and spent the whole day in the nurses office feeling so rotten. I came home and that night was sick like all night, and I know it lasted a whole week (hell week) and I dont remember much of it but I do remember feeling really alone at night. Just the feelings of that made it something scary and something to fear. I got better from the bug, but it had its deeper effects on me that just made things really hard. Whenever I got a stomach ache I was scared to death Id be sick like that again, and I remember bein basically one scared anxious mess of a kid a lot of the time. Funny thing is I dont remember a lot. I do remember getting a stomach ache (anxiety, they pretty much all were I belive) and sittin in the nurses office all day, and at the end of the daydad came and got me, and he said "don't ever do this again". So I learnedvery well how to hide it and conceal it. No one wanted to hear about my stomach aches. I do also remember like askin just about every day "do you think Im gonna be sick?" and all I needed to hear was a "no" and then I could go on with my day. Of course visiting people or spending the night anywhere was hard for me, and that in itself was a battle. I never let on though, I was good at hiding the fear. Geez its hard cause its disjointed, I dont remember much. I do remember also i would pace and panick good if I felt sick, and geez it just all was misreable. I felt like my childhood was overshadowed by fear and anxiety. I also remember my family ridiculing me and basically being no help whatsoever.


Things took a dramatic turn when at 19 years old (ironically 10 years later) I was pretty durn sick with a stomach bug (July of 2002), and for the first time, I realized "this is what I was so afraid of for 10 years?" I actually laughed!! (I know it sounds insane) but it was something. After that, the pacing stopped, and I seemed to drop some of the more deeper erm, coping mechanisms such as pacing and the just downright total fear. I got sick again in Feb 2003, and I was amazed at how well i handled it. I freaked a bit when I first realized it was real, but as I got feeling worse, oddly enough I just accepted it, and was ok with it, and I didnt do any of my coping mechanisms really. I was sick yet again just this last Feb (2004), and to be honest I think (for me personally, we are all differnt) it helps me to keep it in my head thatI CAN be sick and its not so bad. Of course Ive only ever been sick at home, and its still there some, and I still do have inital panic when I get scared that I will be sick, so yes it is still there, but more managable now. It helped to not have my dad or anyone home, cause i could just do what I needed to do without fear of ridicule, I was VERY thankful for that the first time (July 2002), and second time (Feb 2003) but this last time dad was there, and he made me feel pretty bad for it. Some people, sheesh. Well, this place has helped me so much, and you all feel like family to me. Your stories are very touching, because I see myself in them.