Advice/Thoughts Please?

[californiagirl]

Hi everyone~ Gosh I really hate to bore you with my step-son problems again, but I need a little reassurance that I am not crazy. Or am I??


OK, While he's stayong with us, we gave him a set of house rules. One of them was no porn. Not on TV or computer. He has his own laptop, but still, we don't want anyone (besides hubby and I :0) watching porn in our home. We told him once, he said Ok, then we caught it on his computer. We talked to him and said that if we found it one more time, we'd throw him out. Again, he said Ok. Well, he has viewed a crapload of porn in the past week!!!


So, I am fuming mad, told hubby and told him he needs to confront him ASAP on this. He hasn't yet, and tomorrow I'm supposed to take Jr. to 2 doctor appt's. I feel extremely uncomfortable with this whole thing! Now I have to be nice as usual and drive him to his appt's, and try to act all nice to him while he sits his nasty a** in my car! He makes me sick!


Am I right, in being pi*ed???? He was told, did it anyway, told again that he'd be thrown out, and f***ing did it again! Now I want him both confronted, and I want the door to his room wide open at all times, not shut anymore! Please help?

[mak79007]

Gosh, I am not sure what to tell you. First off how old is he? His dad should have a healthy open discussion about it. Not in a mean way, cause he will shut down. I had porn tapes when I was younger, my boyfriend did, his friends did, and they usualy kept it hidden pretty well. He may just try to hide it better instead of obeying the rules or being honest. It isnt a great idea for downloading porn on the internet. Maybe you could scare him by saying that he will get a virus on his computer or something and it will ruin it. Or give him some sort of punishment everytime he does it, like a swear jar.But dont make him feel embarassed for wanting to look at it. Its pretty normal, unless its something like kiddy porn or something awful like that. I am no psychologist, but I guess thats the only advice i can think of. I also dont have kids. So what do I know. I guess ifhad a son looking at porn, I dont think I would be too mad personaly as long as its legal and I dont seeor know about it. All guys dothis kind of stuffno matter what, they will find a way. They haveraging hormones. I hope you guys workit out. GOOD LUCK [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[christianne]

Hey there!

I think you are right in being upset, especially since you laid down the ground rules at the beginning and you've already given him another warning. It is your house, and whether he agrees or not as long as he's staying there he needs to abide by all of your rules. Boy, do I sound like a mom or what?? LOL!

Anyways, hubby should definitely step up and discuss this with him---your stepson would probably be more comfortable with it. Not to mention some porn sites can really mess with your computer. The ONLY way I know that is I've known several people who've gotten viruses on their computers that way, including my stepfather (yuck!!!).

You have already given him two warnings about the porn and that's plenty. Talk to your husband and tell him to speak with him, or tell him that you will do it yourself. I'm sure hubby will do it then!

Good luck!!

[jandub]

Wow, I would be so mad too. I would not allow porn in my house, least of all from a kid you already told not to! I know kids are curious at that age, but you know what, if he had his own apartment, paying his own bills, yada yada, porn away! Would not stand for it a bit. I would continue to talk to hubby about confronting his son on this issue, and the two of you decide what to do about it. I know he's gonna be, well for lack of a better word, horny at his age. But taking care of that versus downloading porn in your house when he was told not to is two different animals. I feel for you! You've had some tough battles, and I really hope he gets well and moves on for your sake! Janna

[lianaismadchill]

I understand why your mad about that, and I would be mad also especially because you layed down the rules about porn. But, not to contradict that, but at his age it is sort of normal to be liek sneaking porn videos, & watching them online. I know you have a right to be mad, but I dont think thatsaying youll kickhim out for watching porn is really fair.

[californiagirl]

Thanks guys for all the good advice--I feel better now, knowing that I am not crazy to be really mad!


mak79007 ~~ He is 18, but acts like he's 14. He doesn't even remember to brush his teeth, but sure remembers porn site www's! He can't really hide it either because I know how to check into a computer for sites that people "think" they deleted :0


christianne ~~ That's exactly what I did I told him he needs to talk to him or I will. I think he's trying to spare the kid my wrath and said he'd talk to him tomorrow night.


jandub ~~ I agree--when he gets his own place, he can do whatever he wants. While he's here, he does need to abide by our household rules. It's the same thing if he smoked. We'd ask him to do it outside, because we don't want it inside. We've had people come over and go outside to smoke and there was no problem--they respected our wishes. Of course he's horny at his age, I agree, he also is a pot smoker. He can't do that here either, so it's all about respect and self control


lianaismadchill ~~ Yeh, it's normal to sneak stuff like this, but if he's prepared to do that behind our backs, then he needs to be prepared for the consequences of lying to us. About kicking him out--it's not completely for the reason of watching porn, or we would have done it the first time he was caught, but he'd be kicked out for disrespect and not following the rules that were made very clear to him. Same thing with work--you don't follow the rules, you get fired.

[nicki77]

Based on this and your last post, it sounds like he is screaming for attention. It's my opinion that he wanted you to catch him with the porn. I bet that he has very low self-esteem and is doing this stuff to push others away so they don't like him because he doesn't like himself.

[SimplyMe]

Yeah, I think what would bother me is that it was laid out from the beginning no porn and he did it anyhow, not so much the porn cuz an 18 yr old guy w/ porn is not all that unusual but you said you didn't want it in YOUR house and while he's there he should respect that boundary. Nicki has a good point tho, he probably is depressed or something, why else risk where you live? Strange. I hope your hubby talks to him and things settle down for you soon ... this constant stress is no way to live.

[rubysoho120]

Well I guess Im going to be ballsy here, since I know we don't get along, but honestly, I think the rule is horriable, you are telling him, do what I say, not what I do. So its okay for you to look at porn but not him. Hes 18, of course he is going to look at porn. What man, young or old, doesn't enjoy porn. It is a very healthy thing to masturbate and you telling him, its not okay. I think that is crazy, and not okay for him. I know you have said all these things about him, and his disrespectfulness, but honsetly I think he just wants to get off, and what is wrong with that? At least hes not out rapeing poor innocent girls, right?

[jandub]

I do hear what you're saying Ruby, but the "do as I say, not as I do" kind of is different with kids. With my step-daughter, at 18, she was not allowed to do all kinds of things that we as the adults and the bill payers were allowed to do. We could drink alcohol, she could not, we could leave the house at three a.m., she could not, I mean the list goes on and on. I think at that age, there has to be limits, and what Californiagirl and her hubby do in their own house is really none of the step-son's business in my opinion. But it is good to see different takes on this.[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img] Janna

[silver]

I know that he has been driving you nutts lately...I think that this is just one more thing added to all of the stress that he has caused you (all justified too by the way). It is sooo hard having people live in your house with you, I think that you have had your fill with this kid and it is just one more stupid thing that he has done to add to the misery. I don't blame you for feeling that way. Sometimes it gets to the point with people where it really is the "straw that breaks the camel's back." I think that if he is to continue living with you, then he needs to play by your rules all the way.

[rubysoho120]

Yes Jana I understand that. And I know kids need limits, but at the
same time, he is now legally an adult, and he may purchase and look at
porn all he wants. And in an effort to still give him limits, he should
be shown limits that will teach him to be an adult in the real world.
Little things like porn really shouldn't matter. Being a bum and not
working for himself is what should be the problem that needs a
solution. I don't think masterbation is wrong, its not harming
anyone. And if she and her husband are not opposed to porn morally,
since they enjoy it themselves, then I think they should worry about a
bigger picture than porn.

But I totally respect that you didn't attack me for my opposite opinon. Thanks Jana.

[mommy2braylynn]

I am so sorry your dealing with this honey! *Hugs*

[californiagirl]

Well I guess Im going to be ballsy here, since I know we don't get along, but honestly, I think the rule is horriable, you are telling him, do what I say, not what I do. So its okay for you to look at porn but not him. Hes 18, of course he is going to look at porn. What man, young or old, doesn't enjoy porn. It is a very healthy thing to masturbate and you telling him, its not okay. I think that is crazy, and not okay for him. I know you have said all these things about him, and his disrespectfulness, but honsetly I think he just wants to get off, and what is wrong with that? At least hes not out rapeing poor innocent girls, right?

I'm not against porn, and I can watch it if I want to in my home, since I pay the bills here. Besides that, I only watch it MAYBE 4 times a year or so. It's my house and I make the rules. If he doesn;t like it, he can leave. I do not want my daughter walking in on him with porn on his computer! I also didn't tell him that it's not OK to masterbate---when did I ever say that I told him that!? He can masterbate all he wants---somewhere else. If my daughter ever walks in on him I will be pissed. Also, he is LUCKY, with his past, to be here at all, so I think that he really needs to comply by our rules, because it's a hell of alot better that living on the streets.

[californiagirl]

I do hear what you're saying Ruby, but the "do as I say, not as I do" kind of is different with kids. With my step-daughter, at 18, she was not allowed to do all kinds of things that we as the adults and the bill payers were allowed to do. We could drink alcohol, she could not, we could leave the house at three a.m., she could not, I mean the list goes on and on. I think at that age, there has to be limits, and what Californiagirl and her hubby do in their own house is really none of the step-son's business in my opinion. But it is good to see different takes on this.[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img] Janna

Thanks!! You're right, what hubby and I do is none of his business, HE doesn't set our rules,, WE set his. Or he's welcome to leave.

[californiagirl]

Thank you for your support!!!! Well, we found out today that he has to be here for one more month!!!!!!!!! I honestly don't know if I can do this much longer! The PORN situation will be dealt with tomorrow. The deliberate disrespect needs to stop, or I will be forced to be a b***h and kick him out.

[rubysoho120]

Its a natural think to masterbate, and if he is living there then he
would be doing where he lives. So you dont want him to be masterbating?
Im sure he doesn't want your daughter to walk in on him doing that
either. I know you want him to be respectful but I feel like that rule
only sets him up for disaster and mistake. I dont understand why your
husband doesnt tell you that men are men and they need to release
themselves. Honestly would you rather he jerk off some where on the
street and be arrested or to rape someone?

[californiagirl]

Its a natural think to masterbate, and if he is living there then he would be doing where he lives. So you dont want him to be masterbating? Im sure he doesn't want your daughter to walk in on him doing that either. I know you want him to be respectful but I feel like that rule only sets him up for disaster and mistake. I dont understand why your husband doesnt tell you that men are men and they need to release themselves. Honestly would you rather he jerk off some where on the street and be arrested or to rape someone?

Frankly, I don't care if he gets arrested outside my home, as he is no stranger to it! He's been in tons of trouble. My hubby doesn't have to tell me about the need for men to masterbate---I am a former nurse, so i know all about the male anatomy and everything that goes along with it. Besides that, jeez, if he's THAT horny to where he'd commit a crime, then that's pretty pathetic, and I don't think his urge is that bad, honestly!


I have rules in my home, and if does do it here, behind closed locked doors, there's nothinng I van do abput it (MB-ing). BUT the porn issue is something I stand firm on, and that's it. For him to decide that he's gonna deliberately disrespect my house rules is wrong. Like I said, I know he wants to smoke a "blunt" real bad too, but not here. We set the boundaries---he doesn't have t LIKE them but DOES have to respect them. If I were a guest in someones home, I would follow their rules, no matter what I thought of them.Edited by: californiagirl