In retrospect, I had my very first panic attack when I was 8 years old but of course I didn't know what it was. I was getting ready for bed when out of the blue I started shaking uncontrollably. I felt really nauseous. I thought I was going to throw up but I couldn't move from the bed. My sister came into the room and saw me like that but other than asking what was wrong, didn't do anything. I told her I felt really really sick. My father who was drunk as usual could obviously hear what was going on because I remember him yelling from another room that it must have been the ice cream I ate after dinnerthat was making me shake because it was winter and ice cream should only be eating in the summer.But he didn't come in to see what was wrong. Not that I expected him to. His life consisted of drinking and doing his 8 hours at work - that's it.He was there physically but that's where it ended as far as him being a father to me. I would have been better off growing up without a father, although, I guess that's exactly how I grew up, isn't it? But I digress .......
Eventually the shaking subsided, as did the nausea. It was never talked about again. I was not taken to a doctor. Nothing. My mother didn't come in to seeif I was okay when she got home from work at midnight.I eventually fell asleep and forgot aboutthe whole incidentuntil .......
I was 21. It was 2 months before my wedding and I was so happy that finally I was going to get out of The House of Horrors and away from the two dictators and I would start a newlife with the man I lovedand I would actually be able to, for the first time in my life, do the normal things that people do and go wherever I wanted whenever I wanted and not get yelled at, hit or terrorized any longer - I would be freeeeeee! It felt as if I had served my 20+ year prison sentence and I was getting parolled in8 weeks time. Freedom was so close I could almost taste it, and then .......
Out of the blue I start feeling violently ill. I go from feeling perfectly fine to all at once I'm nauseous, dizzy, I have trouble breathing, I'm shaking, I'm really hot, sweaty, my hands feel like pins and needles are in them,my ears feel like they're full of water, my heart is racing/pounding, my bowels are liquifying - OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I dry heave. Okay this is it, I'm going to throw up and I'll feel better and everything will be okay. I must have the flu or something. I dry heave again. Nothing comes up. I heave again. And again and again and again and again and again and again and nothing comes up. PLEASE GOD. MAKE IT STOP! Eventually it does, everything stops except the nausea. I'm exhaustedand my stomach is still upsetbut that's okay. It's probably a 24 hour flu or something. I'llbe fine tomorrow.
Tomorrow comes and I'm not fine. It happens again. That's okay, it's the flu and I'll be better in a couple of days or a week at most. A week passes and I'm not better. I'm having these "attacks" - whatever they are - every day. I'm nauseous 24/7. Everything stinks. My stomach hurts all the time. The smell of food makes me gag. I can't eat. I'm losing weight. I can't go to work. I can't stand anybody being close to me because that makes everything worse. I go to the doctor. The doctor tells me I was right, it's the flu.I get a doctor's note and I tell my boss that I don't know how long I'l
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