Childhood loss - survey

[sunshine16]

My Daddy died last October after a long battle with cancer (over a year.)


The thing is, my emet came before this...[img]smileys/smilies_12.gif[/img]


***May be graphic***


There is another thing that kind of doesn't make sense. My Dad had espohigal (spelling?), throat, and stomach cancer all at once. Pretty much every minute (sometimes seconds) he was sick, either coughing and gagging up stuff. When he was having Chemo he was sick a lot, and at every meal with everything he swallowed he had to rush to the sink and choke it back up. This went on for a year and about a half. And it really wasn't pleasent, he retched every second of his time with cancer, and sometimes coughed up blood. You'd think that since I am emet that had to live through this, I'd be a mess. Well, no, actually. I can't figured out why this happened, but I handed him papertowels to cough into, was able to be in the same room as him while all this happened, could rub his back while he was choking, and even a few times held the bucket for him. And you know, my emet never kicked in when it came to my Daddy. In fact, I enjoyed the fact that I could take care of him in return for all the care he gave to me. I always saw his v*, flem, coughed up blood/food...did it bother me? No. Sage or ne one who knows, why was this like this? Because after he passed away, my emet was there. Even if other ppl were sick, my emet was there. Just not with him...?

[sage]

Well, I have two theories about this. (First of all, let me say how sorry I am that you've lost your dad...how very sad this must be).


First theory: what your dad had you couldn't "catch", so you didn't fear it would make you sick, and the sight of it obviously didn't make you sick so you really had nothing to fear.


Second theory: "flooding" - a term psychologists use for exposing the patient to the feared stimulus with great intensity over a prolonged period of time. This appears to "cure" the phobic, although most people agree that flooding doesn't work very well as the phobia tends to return. [Here's the reason why I never recommend drinking ipecac and vomiting for 2 days - it tends to make you less anxious for a short time, but then symptoms return.] The other thing about it is that there's more to this phobia than just the stimulus raising our anxiety...there are issues of attachment, or loss, or trauma, or a combination of all the above (even if these are only "mild"). They nevertheless have a tremendous impact. So just exposure by itself, without working on the other underlying issues, tends to help temporarily but then the phobia returns as soon as the family anxiety goes up (your dad's death would be a prime example of a rise in the whole family's anxiety).


Again, a very sad story...I'm sure it will take a while to get through this grief, but hang in there. Hopefully you have some help or someone to confide in and talk to about it.

[just sue]

Heh,


I'm a therapists dream! My dad left when I was a baby, my stepfather abused me for several years and when I was 18 I was gang raped. And I wonder why I'm emet? LOL!

[sunshine16]

Thanks for answering that, Sage. You're such an inspiration! You make me feel real happy and you make me rejoice in the fact that there is an end to all this...and that end can be as near or as far as you want it to be.

[poppet]

In reply to your question, when I was 8 or 9 my Grandad died and at the time I didn't really take it in that he was gone I was not allowed to the funeral as my parents did not think it was anywhere for a child to be, now thought I feel as if I have not said goodbye properly, I cry all the time because I miss him still although I am now 21!


I have always believed that my emet phobia was conected to me losing my Grandad, because I never had this problem when he was alive.

[sarahx]

Wow you lot have been through so much! I dont remember anyone close to me dying, although my mum gave birth to a baby who died after a few hours when i was about 6years old. My mum had severe cancer when i was 14 but shes totally cured now. So urmmm... not much happened, my parents are still together and i had a great childhood. Would love to know wot you think sage...

[Hale]

Wow Poppet!!!! Your story is a lot like mine. My Grandad died when I was 10 and I had kind of a delayed reaction to it. I was not alowwed to go to the funeral and I desperately wanted to because his death was so sudden and i did not say goodbye.That was in May 1993 and then in the december I was sick on the way back from a school trip to see the Nut Cracker Ballet. I think I was affected a lot at the time by the thought that would be my first Christmas without my Grandad and then that happened. A few weeks later I had my first panic attack because I thought I was going to be sick.


I started counselling the following April and that continued for 7 months before I had improved enough to be discharged. I was ok for another 9 months but then my other Grandad was diagnosed with leaukimea and died. I kept quiet for a while about the fact that my problems had come back because my family was so upset, but in the end I had a huge panic attack and told my Dad. The next day a psychiatrist came to see me at home and I was put on medication. I struggled for another 5 years, saw different therapists and took various types of antidepressantsand then things came to a head and i had a breakdown when I was nearly 17. I had planned how I was going to kill myself but mum found my tablet stash and i had to attend a day hospital 4 times a week which was horrible.


I was put on a different a type of antidepressant that worked well for me and i was so scared of going back to being that bad but a year later I met my boyfriend finished my course in the sixth form and got a job that I loved. This al helped me to gain confidence and go out more so the emet was not a problem (except if someone was sick around me) as the phobia was not stopping me from doing anything. Even when my Gran died, who I adored I coped well because i was still on a high from meeting Mark. Things went brilliantly for 2 years but then last year I lost my job. It seems to be when things thatI can't control like death and redundancy happen the phobia gets worse. I have found another job but I am still not quite back to where I was.


Sorry this is sooooo long.

[jennyleigh1975]

My parents separated when I was about a year and a half old. Then before their divorce was final. my mother got killed in a car wreck. My biological father leaves ALOT to be desired, so my mothers parents raised me. I had a wonderful childhood. My granddaddy died with cancer when I was 20 and my grandmother died with Alzheimers when I was 27. I do have an aunt (my g-mothers sister) that never really treated me like one of the family. Don't know if that is means anything or not. Thanks for letting me share my story!

-Leigh

[cwarren]

Well my parents separated when I was 9 and divorced when I was 16, but I recall having emet before they separated so it can't have been caused by that.


I do, however have a family that don't believe in talking to one another about problems; the genreral attitude seems to be to gloss over eveything or to just pretend it's not happening, so that hasn't helped the emet.

[sweetanya]

When i was 8, i lost my grandmother, who was truly like my second mother because my mother was working a lot and it's my grandmother who was taking care of me. It's at he death that everything started....Really... She had a cancer and had a lot of chemiotherapy... you know the symptoms....I think that i maybe associate V**** with cancer....

[SarahB]

My parents seperated when I was 15, it was a huge shock they had what I thought was the most stable, loving relationship.


My Granddad (whom I adored) was diagnosed with lung cancer at the same time, he died when I was 17. I still miss him loads.....

[jazz]

I remember, when I was about 6 years old, my aunty/godmother died. This really hurtbecause I had known she was very poorly for a long time. Still her death shocked me, because I was so young, and so was she! UI can't put my finger on it, but something to with her death triggered of my emetophobia. I can't think of any other explanation!
As for any other tragic losses, I haven't had any in my family,except the fact that my grandparents on my fathers side, died evenbefore my mum was born, so there'll always be mystery surrounding them

[bethie_bear]

my grandfather died wen i was eight then exactly a year later my aunt died then two years later my other aunt died!!! the only other thing is im the only person in my family who knows that my dad has been having an affair for the past 6 yrs!

[sage]

GAK - what a terrible secret to be carrying around. How come you're the only one who knows? Did he tell you? If so, you might want to consider NOT keeping the secret - that sort of family anxiety will only add to your anxiety disorder. If you found out some other way, perhaps try confronting HIM with it, and even so consider unburdening the secret from yourself. I personally wouldn't want to bear a secret like that alone.

[rhinoseri]

Its interesting you posted about a fear of 'bodily functions' I used to fear going to the toliet for about 2 years when I was about 4 - 6 years old. I think I must of grown out of it when I was about 7 but I dont know if having that fear has made me more urm. susceptable to other fears.

When I was younger (about 2 1/2 or so) Iwas afraid of using the toilet, but I believe that was because I thought I was going to fall in. But then again, when I was five, I suddenly became terrified of using he toilet (this was during the time that I felt constanly sick- probably the worst my emet has ever been) All that lasted for a little while, but I seemed to get over it eventually. I'm not sure why I was suddenly afraid.

[hoopla]

I lost my great grandmother at 7, my very close Godmother when I was 9 and an also very close friend when I was 11-dont know if this is of any help!
Hope it is!
J

[sammi]

i never had emet when i was five becasue i can remember bing sick and i was cool with it. but then my parents divorced and from then on being sick has been totally terrifying. never realised till just now.!

[ateamchick]

i lost my grandmother (on my father's side) when i was in the sixth grade, so i was about... 12ish, i suppose. it was the first time i'd ever lost someone, or dealt with that kind of a loss... other than a pet hamster or rat, so it was pretty tough for me. i almost didn't go to the funeral, but then i realized that i would regret it if i didn't.


my surviving grandmother is very near death, however... years of smoking have turned against her and the tar is eating away her lungs. she is living in an assited care center, and is pretty much confined to her room. last time i was there she didn't recognize me...