A few jokes for everybody

[sbias]

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble. The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.
The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.
The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.

She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him.
Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.
Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began,
the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's pretty damned cold in here!"

Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment!

All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church. The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday. Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began,the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly
proclaimed, "It's damned cold in here!!"

And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner.
Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution:
If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your
shoulder." "That'll work?" asked the woman. "Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.

So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's damned cold in here!!" Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder.

The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Prettydamned windy, too!"

[sbias]

<DIV align=left>A Mother is driving her little girl to her friends house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."
"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, " ... all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
</DIV>
<DIV align=left>Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
Annnnd," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
</DIV>

[sbias]

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

[sbias]

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. People often ask for a simple explanation of forms of "Marketing." Here it is:


You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed," That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed," That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed," That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed," That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says "I hear you're fantastic in bed," That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you. That's Tech Support.


You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!". That's Junk Mail!

[sbias]

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants andurinates all over the place.
The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat thecrap out of you..."
The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..."
The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist,here's his card, why don't you see him?"
The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous...
Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who.."
"Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured."
"Well, that's great. This beer is on the house."
So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers andurinates on the bar.
"You Freak! I thought you said you were cured!"
"I am! It doesn't bother me anymore..."

[sbias]

A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom...so the man stands up to let her out.
She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.
She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.
The man, a little tired of jumping up so often...asks her: "You keep sneezing, what's the problem?"
The woman replies: "I have a rare condition...every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."
He says, "Oh... what are you taking for it?"
She says: "Pepper."

[sbias]

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says.
"That's cool" says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY! ...IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

[sbias]

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

"What's wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bedroom, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???"

"Well," replied the man...
"I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

[sbias]

A little dirty but not over the top


A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.
The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.
"Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and give you a present."
"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.
"Who the hell are you?!" the man asks.
"I'm from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."
The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise, and says...
"Those little bastards!

[sbias]

MY GOD THAT IS A LOT OF JOKES!!!!!


Whew...


Want some more!!!!!? [img]smileys/smilies_04.gif[/img]I love to make people laugh, and if you really like one as I said before please let me know, cause I will try to find more in the same vein, if one makes you uncomfortable, please again let me know I will try to stay away from those types.


I hope this is working, I hope some of you are getting a laugh out of this. I'll continue till you guys say stop.


Smile for me![img]smileys/smilies_12.gif[/img](Oh that line was cheesy.)


And yes I act like this everyday, my wife tells me she married a clown, comedian, and escaped lunatic all wrapped in to a little redneck package.

[x hannah x]

I really liked your "It could always be worse" one. I think list jokes are cool. I have a good list joke actually, hang on:





You know you're having a bad day when...


- Your twin sister forgets your birthday.


- You wake up face down on the pavement.


- You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.


- You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.


- You see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.


- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.


- You turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.


- The woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.


- Your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.


- You have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up.


- Your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."

[x hannah x]

Oooh I got my own page! How cool am I!

[sbias]

Hannah you are super cool, in fact I just felt the temperature drop in my office.... (OH MY GOD THAT IS SO CORNY.) [img]smileys/smilies_12.gif[/img]


I'll get more lists for you, off to research my notebooks!

[sbias]

A visiting professor at Texas A &amp; M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks:
"How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,
do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses,takes a step back, and says,
"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture,
no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin,
and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"

[sbias]

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question: How did I get here?
Her mother told her, "God sent you."
"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
"He sent them also" the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here."

[sbias]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax... Oh my god!"

The passengers sat in silence, waiting for terrible news.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight- attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[sbias]

Let's say you have an ear ache!



2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2003 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

[sbias]

An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.
"What happened?" says the doctor.
"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."
The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"

"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."

[sbias]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it.

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[ateamchick]

why does snoop dog carry an umbrella?


- fo' drizzle!


what does snoop dog use to clean his clothes?


- bleeee-ach!

[sarahx]

i have been gigglin sooo much lol


I really like hannah's how to keep a healthy level of insanity pml


*wipes eyes* lol


Keep them coming pls they are great!! ill try and find some..

[sarahx]

Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't





I need you to whip it out by 5:00!


Mind if I use your laptop?


Put this in my box before you leave.


I want it on my desk now!


Hmm.. I think I'm out of fluid.


My equipment's so old, it takes forever to finish!


It's an entry level position.


When do you think you'll be getting off today?


It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits back!

[sarahx]

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."





"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.





"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.





"You're next," the Genie says to the partner.





The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

[sunshine16]

Peoples you rock! I've been laughing my head off. Please keep it up. Its so nice to have something cheery for a change. [img]smileys/smilies_32.gif[/img]

[chloe]

<NO>A cute version of one further up the board!!<A href="http://servedby.advertising.com/click/site=6756/bnum=62850988" target="_blank">


An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."


The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried,
we still couldn't get the jar open."

</A>Edited by: chloe

[chloe]

The Old Man's Physical




A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.


The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''


And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''


Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.



He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''


And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''
Edited by: chloe

[chloe]

Blonde at the Doctor's Office

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor
she's broken every single bone in her body.
"That's impossible!" says the doctor.
The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!"
She then touches her leg with her index finger and screams "Ouch!"
Then she touches her arm and yells "Eeeeoooow!"
Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her composure
as the tears start to roll down her face.
She says, "See, I told you I broke every bone in my body."
The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination.

"Well, miss," he tells her,
"I've got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is, you haven't broken every bone in your body.
The bad news is, you've broken your finger."

[clairethebear]

How about this one?


A man walks into a bar and sits down minding his own business with a nice pint. On the bar there is a jar of peanuts and next thing the man knows these peanuts are ranting on about how good he looks and what a kind person he is etc etc. He finds this quite bizarre but continues to drink his pint. He then spots a cigarette machine across the other side of the pub. He walks over to it and is about to put his money in when the machine rants on at him about how useless he is, and how bad he looks etc etc. By now the man is really quite disturbed by his experiences. He heads back to the bar and sits down again and calls over the barman. He says hey barman those peanuts have been talking to me and saying nice things and that cigarette machine has been hurling non-stop abuse at me. What is going on.The barman replies well of coursemy friendthose peanuts are "complimentary" and that cigarette machine is "out of order"!


Hope you like that one.

[confused]

[img]smileys/smilies_32.gif[/img] These are so funny!!! Here's a corny one, but my boyfriend always tells it to me when I'm having a bad day.


Note: you got to say it in a cute goofy voice for full effect.


How do you catch a unique bunny?


You Neak up on it!


How do you catch a tame bunny?


Tame way, You Neak up on it!!!!

[chloe]

[img]smileys/smilies_39.gif[/img]


Love it!! "You Neak"....that'd cheer me up too if I was having a bad day.


Aren't we lucky to have somewhere on here to post funnies [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]