Hi everyone,

I joined this group because I am so frustrated with myself and this fear I have. I have not v* for almost 15 years (actually, in the last year I threw up once from drinking too much as I am not a big drinker, but I barely remember it at all so I don't count it) and lately my phobia has gotten worse. I had a bad bout of anxiety and stomach illness for the past three months after graduating from UCLA. I think it's been a combination of the stress of trying to find a job, not knowing where I'm going to live, etc. The doctor says he is almost positive what I have been going through is IBS, which flares with anxiety. The past 3 months I have been so sick, although it's starting to get better, I have been more nauseous these months than I can remember ever really being, and thus my fear has gotten worse. Every day lately I have been thinking about v* and when I feel nauseous my anxiety about v* gets even worse.

I also cannot be around people who are v*. I feel like an awful person most of the time when I run away when people feel sick or are being sick. I try to stay around sometimes to be there for them and to try and desensitize myself, but it hasn't worked. I was a nanny for 6 year old triplets for a year and a half and one of them was always complaining about their tummy hurting. One time, one of them even had a bad v* episode right in front of me. I ended up dreading work so much and got so panicked when they said their tummies hurt, I quit working there.

Basically, I'm extremely frustrated that I'm so afraid of a natural body function! I plan to go to nursing school and am very driven towards that goal, but I don't know how I'm going to survive being a nurse with this fear. Mostly though, I'm scared of v* myself, and daily I am dreading the next time I will v*, whenever that may be. I have a very strong stomach, and it seems like this may not be any time soon at all, but I still worry. No one understands and I have a very supportive boyfriend who does what he can to comfort me, but he just doesn't understand. He says everyone has their fears and mine will probably go away once I do v*, but he doesn't understand that I can't just avoid this fear and that it is beginning to run my life.

Sorry this is so long. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore and I just want to get over this fear so that when I do encounter v* (myself or others), it's not a big deal.

-Kelsi