Progress! *no word censorship, but not a nasty story*

[BreaRose]

SO!
In case you all don't know already, I had a very traumatic experience about a month or more ago when I went camping with my boyfriend. Long story short, he vomited about a foot from my head in the tent while I was sleeping and I proceeded to panic (like 10+ anxiety level) for the next 4ish hours and then feel like complete crap for the rest of the day. Not to mention being stuck in a car with him for a 6 hour drive home.

Needless to say, I have had an issue sleeping next to him since then. Usually, he comes to bed after I'm asleep and it's not THAT big of a deal. But, if he comes to bed with me, I feel like I have to stare him down until he falls alseep and make sure that he isn't going to be sick again.

Well. I had gotten better about trusting him and have been able to sleep soundly next to him again. Well, yesterday he woke up and went to the bathroom and then came back to bed and cuddled me which woke me up. He was being really stiff so I asked him why he was being weird and he said "I don't feel good.". I flinched away from him and stood up out of the bed and told him to get in the bathroom then. He frowned at me and said that it was just a slight cramp in his stomach and it was probably because he was hungry. By this time, I had inched my way to the middle of the room toward the door and my heart was racing and I felt my throat close up. I was probably at a 6 or 7 in anxiety level. BUT!! I was able to get back in the bed with him and hold him at his request until he said it had passed. Probably about 10 - 15 minutes. And, admittedly, I was ready at any moment to leap out of the bed and run in my PJs out of my apartment but I didn't. YAY ME!

I hope this means I'm on the right track to dealing with this...

[krabcakes99]

Good for you! sounds like you're beginning to deal with this in a better way than before. Hope you get better from here.

[Ameghino]

That is great!! i would of been half way down the street!!

[olschesky]

i'm afraid i would have been out the door myself........excellent job

[BreaRose]

Bleh. Fall back / rant.

Last night I had a headache and I couldn't bring myself to take a Tylenol because I was being irrational and illogical due to my episode with Excedrin a little while ago. I know they're not the same medicines but I had myself all freaked out and wasn't able to fall asleep until 1:30 am this morning. But now looking back on it, I think I was just stressed out from the day in general. I had a really shitty day yesterday. And I am so lucky to be one of those people that dwells on things and worries all day long and blahblahblah. I've been trying to look more at the desensitization website but I can't get past a certain picture and it's not even to the graphic ones yet. I don't feel like I'm making any progress by myself.

I e-mailed a local psychologist's office to see how much it would cost to become a patient and get this dealt with. $250 AN HOUR. AN HOUR!?!? I wish I made $250 and hour....Needless to say, I'm a 23 year old part time employee. There is NO WAY IN HELL I can possibly afford that. I don't have health benefits from my work either and I don't have health insurance due to the cost. So, I get to just keep on keeping on.

Had an embarressing moment on Monday. I donate Plasma on Mondays and Fridays. It's a hard thing for me to do because one of the possible "reactions" is to feel sick or even to vomit. I, personally, have only felt light headed twice and both times were not my fault. But pretty much I have to sit in a room with a whole bunch of other people donating as well. And with a needle in my arm, if someone was sick I wouldn't be able to just jump up and go. I would have to deal with it. So far so good though, havn't had to deal with that. (knock on wood). Anyway. I was donating and they have TVs so we can watch a movie while we donate because it takes about an hour to donate. Anyway. They had a movie playing (can't remember the name) and out of no where the little kid just projectile vomits all over the inside of this SUV. I flintched and looked to the side, closing my eyes and taking a few deep breaths. Both of the people sitting next to me were staring at me when I opened my eyes and then they continued to just watch me for the rest of the time I was donating. It was sooooo embarresing. Thinking back on it I should have been like "hahaha, wow that suprised me" or said SOMETHING. But no. I just sat there all quiet and ashamed.

I went to eat at Denny's with my boyfriend the other day and the service there isn't good at all. So when we walked in she told us just to sit where ever. And my weird ass boyfriend heads RIGHT for the table LITERALLY on the same wall at the bathrooms. When I saw where he was going I stopped and told him I am NOT NOT NOT sitting next to the bathrooms. And he actually made a big deal about it. "Why not?" "I don't see what the problem is." It's like HELLO?! The whole restaurant is EMPTY save for like 4 other people. There are a MILLION other tables NOT right next to the most discusting place in a restaurant. Eventually he just gave up and chose a different table not near the bathrooms. But i mean. Who CHOOSES a table next to the bathroom???? Then, he had to send his food back because he doesn't like sausage and he specifically said no sausage pieces on his biscuits and gravy. And the cook asked if "he was polite about it" to the waitress. Who answered "yes, he was". But wtf? Why would he ask that? Was he going to spit in his food? BLEHHHHH!! I can't even IMAGINE that.

Needless to say, I'm NOT eating at Denny's again. The food is crappy and the service sucks.


ANYYWAAYY. I'm done blabbling on and on. I need to make some friends in real life so I can stop blabbing on here so much. lol!

[marvin08]

I hope u get better ~~

[BreaRose]

Unsure how I feel today.

I got to work and asked my co-workers how their labor day weekend went and one of them responded that they had been working at his grandma's house all weekend with the stomach flu. Of course, I stopped walking toward him and jokingly held up my fingers in an "X" shape at him and chuckled. He smiled a bit and nodded before he shrugged and said "Yeah, sorry in advance if you get sick. I can't afford not to come to work." I nodded in undertanding and shrugged it off but inside I was thinking "WTFWTFWTF". I went to the bathroom a couple minutes later and washed my hands, used hand sanitizer, then put lotion on. I'm trying to keep my hands away from my mouth (nail biter ) but I'm nervous and anxious about it and I keep catching myself biting my nails. I put hand sanitizer on again but now I'm afraid to go back out into the warehouse because I don't want to breath the same air as my co-worker.

BUT. I'm not having a panic attack and I feel pretty calm even though I'm at a little more of a heightened germ awareness state.

I wish people weren't penalized for missing work if they are ligitimately sick.

[BreaRose]

Stupid Panic Attack!! AHARGHR@&(@!

So. Sunday I went to a sports bar with my boyfriend to watch the Raiders game (he's the fan not me! haha) and I ate a LOT of food because he ordered this 1/2 lb hamburger and it came with A LOT of tatertots and he barely ate any of it so I ended up eating pretty much the whole thing PLUS my own order of tatertots. I felt really full but was not sick or anything. We finished watching the football game when it ended and left to go home. I felt a little of that "too full" feeling and just played on my computer and ignored it. WELL. After feeling fine for the rest of the day at 10 pm I lay down to go to sleep and I start to feel a little sick. I figure it's just acid reflux just doing what it does best, so i propped up the pillows and sat up and watched a DVD.

It just got worse and worse. I tried to fight off the panic and just relax in the bed but I just couldn't. I started to have a hard time breathing, then I started shaking and got a dry mouth and clamy hands. My boyfriend told me he was worried about me because I have these panic attacks all of the time. I told him I'm sorry and I know it's irrational but I can't help it and it just happens outside of my control. He stared at me for a while as I tried to get a grip on my breathing but then just rolled over and watched the DVD we had going. Within 45 minutes of laying in bed, I was out and pacing the apartment, shaking and gasping for air. I tried all of my usual rituals and none of them worked. I drank some mint Maalox. Didn't work. Sipped some water. Didn't work. Went outside. Made it worse. At one point I sat down on the bed and my stomach growled and I felt a little better so I tried to lay back down. Within 5 minutes I was standing outside the bathroom thinking "This is it." as my mouth watered and I felt my throat close. I closed my eyes and just waited for it to happen but then it started to subside. My boyfriend called from the bedroom if I was OK and the feeling started to diminish. I walked in the bedroom and started to cry (still shaking w/ dry mouth) and he told me to sit down and held me until I stopped crying. I told him about how I hated this and how I know it's all in my head and I hate it so much. He just held me and told me to come to bed. After I finished crying my eyes out, I felt A LOT better and sat back in bed against the propped up pillows. I fell into a REALLY light sleep and woke up about 3 hours later to my boyfriend getting up to use the bathroom. And my DUMB self plugged my ears and began to panic again as I immediately thought he had gotten up to vomit. When he got back he told me he just had to use the bathroom and was fine. The panic lowered but I barely slept the rest of the morning until I had to go to work.

I've barely eaten since then, just enough to stop any stomach growling, and I'm just so angry at myself. I thought I had new insight. I thought I was doing SO well at just accepting this but no.

I HATE EMETOPHOBIA. I HATE IT.

[ameliabauman]

Congrats! My boyfriend threw up at my house last night, I know how you feel.
You handled it better then I did. I hope you continue to improve!!

[Claire-]

My dad went to the bathroom the other morning, about 3 A.M, and I couldn't hear anything, so I thought he was going to v**. I had my ears plugged, I was under my duvet, and about 2 minutes later I peeked at the bathroom door (Opposite my bedroom) and it was open and he had gone back to bed. But I still had that panicky feeling and it took a while for me to go back to sleep.

So I know how you feel. And I hate it when I feel like that, I'm constantly thinking, 'Do i feel like this because of the panic attack, or am I actually feeling sick?' Just the other day I was panicking and crying because I felt a little strange, and I felt fine after I had cried too. I'm sorry you had to go through that xx Hope you're feeling better now. And that must have been a major triumph, not having a panic attack when the child v**!! I wish I could do the same x