Ok, Miriam, you're not a horrible person, your feelings are symptoms of this phobia. Your phobia doesn't define you as a person, so don't let yourselfbelieve that it does.
I pray that your husband's tests come back negative for cells and that he's going to be just fine.
God forbid, though that he has to go thru treatment, isn't there medication they can give him for nausea? I mean, the last thing they want is for him to get dehydrated and sick and then not be able to continue treatments. It's a question I would ask of the doctors.
Also, you may feel differently if the time comes. I mean, be more worried about his survival and successful treatment rather than if he v*s because of it. Just like you're not defined by your phobia, he's not defined by his cancer. I hope you can talk to your therapist/councelor about these things so you have a plan for whatever happens. The key to successful cancer treatment along with medication is a positive outlook, and it may help your entire family thru this possibile situation if you had some stress relieving techniques planned for it.
I hope you are doing better. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to set yourself up to be mad at him for it when you don't even know if he has to have treatment or not.
Hugs to you!!!!
In memory of the sweetest german shepherd I ever had the pleasure of knowing. I love you, Duncan. 3/12/02 - 12/19/11