Am I just back to square one?

[verityvee]

Right, I started a terrible relapse of all my anxiety about a month ago. It was really bad, couldn't eat, felt gaggy all the time, frequent constant panic attacks, felt so down I wanted to die. Drove to my local mental asylum. But I started gradually getting better again. TINY steps. I started having hypnotherapy and now am having CBT as well. We haven't started CBT but we are next week. Thing is, i've gotten LOADS worse again. Had the worst panic attack this morning i've had in weeks. Now i just feel all the work i've done is lost and i'm back to the beginning. This keeps happening and i feel i'm just going round in circles. Anyone else the same? Am I just back to square one or is it just a tiny set back i shouldn't dwell on? Afterall the panic attacks aren't going to go away overnight are they?


Just need some advice right now PLEASE

[Andrilla]

From both personal experience and research, I have found that getting over a phobia is achieved by a lot of tiny steps forward and a couple of big leaps backwards. The biggest thing to avoid doing is getting mad at yourself (which I admit, I have a problem with) when you aren't constantly getting better. I've gone from being mostly okay all the way down to not eating for a month, and then slowly got better until suddenly the panic attacks started up again and again. It is sad that getting over anxiety isn't like getting over a cold where you just start feeling better and better. It is more like a roller coaster where, just as you are finally starting to go down, zoom, right back up again. But, that doesn't mean that it will never go away. Just the other night, I went from not freaking out even though several kids at the school I work at got sick (major WOW for me) to walking to giant grocery store at 1am for ginger while basically crying on the phone to my brother. Forget square 1, I felt like I was back to square -4!

There are a LOT of ups and downs. What you have to focus on is that you HAVE made progress, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

[verityvee]

Thanks Andrilla.
Do you think I should come off here altogether to get better? I was doing so well but when I had another panic attack I just couldn't stop myself. I REALLY need to stay off here i think...
are you having any therapy at the mo?


thanks

[Andrilla]

I don't know if you need to get off of here entirely. (I sort of use this site for exposure therapy, reading over all the threads that have graphic details and such. Or I'd read the stories like "my husband just got sick!" and run through in my head what it would be like for me/what I would do.) I wouldn't recommend coming here when you are already anxious though. If I'm already on-edge and then I read a panic-post, I get 5 times worse! If you are using this site as a crutch, then yes, it would be best to distance yourself, but I wouldn't say that staying off of the site is a requirement for getting better, it all depends on how you use it.

I'm not in any therapy at the moment. I've had exposure with CBT in the past, and it was really helpful. I still do the exercises that they taught me, still practice the deep breathing, and am still working to expose myself to things that I would rather run from. (Practice, practice, practice!) Also, since I'm training to be a behavioral therapist, I know all the in and outs of CBT, so I've sort of become my own therapist. I am going to get some hypnotherapy to see how that helps, but that hasn't been finalized yet.

I really hope that your anxiety gets better soon, and it will, you just have to keep fighting!

[verityvee]

So are you fully recovered or not?
Because some people say CBT can "cure" you but it doesn't sound like you are cured?

[Andrilla]

I don't think that anyone is ever 100% cured. To me that would mean that they would never be bothered by it ever again. Sort of like how an alcoholic can quit drinking, but there is always a chance that they will re-lapse. Some can go back to drinking small amounts while remaining in control, but most can't. I can control my panic is most situations, I go most days without thinking about it.

What I consider to be cured is when maybe it still bothers you, but you are capable of handling your fear and going on with your life. I don't expect to be able to get the stomach virus and not get scared (lots of "normal" people are scared of it), but I can expect that, once I am over the stomach virus, I can go back to living my normal life without constantly worrying that it could happen again. THAT is what I consider cured. I'm not there yet, but I am working towards it, CBT doesn't work over night. Even once I get there, I still push myself to go over the exercises so that the fear doesn't creep up on me again. If I label myself "cured" then, to me, that means that there is no chance of relapse. I am addicted to the anxiety as a coping mechanism the same way an alcoholic is addicted to the drinking.

[verityvee]

but Sage is "cured"?

bit depressing thinking you can never get cured isn't it?
how long did u do CBT for?

[Andrilla]

I officially did CBT for about a year, unofficially for two years past that. And by "cured" I mean the way that alcoholics are never "cured." They may stop drinking and we may stop panicking, but you must always be aware that you can go back to your old ways. Even if you are not panicking, if you start going back to avoidant behaviors you could accidentally land yourself smack-dab in the middle of phobia land. I see it more as going into remission than going away for good.

[verityvee]

Did you get it free on the Nhs? i am only allowed 16 sessions on the nhs and sage keeps saying i willl need more than that so now i think i can never get better

[Andrilla]

I don't know what NHS is. I got my therapy from the counseling center at my college, which is free as long as you are a student.

[verityvee]

Its just i work so hard to get out of these cycles of panic attacks and then i will do fairly well for a while then suddenly a HUGE panic attack comes and i feel im back to square one. Cant eat properly etc. I think it is time to come off here now for GOOD. It is definitley making me worse... i had a panic attack the day after i started coming on here so maybe this started it off?

I must trust my therapists and work hard. Its hard to trust people especially since i've had a really bad therapist beforehand that didn't help me at all and actually got cross at me for not getting any better!

My therapist text me this morning saying "My grandad just died... puts things in perspective doesn't it?"

I understand she is upset but this just makes me wonder if she realises how scared i am of vomiting? I feel death and vomiting are just as scary. My mind just keeps doubting my therapists all the time but i will learn to be more positive!

[lisalulu]

Verityee- I am 'cured' and I found that I made a huge amount of progress and then had a huge relapse right before I had a huge breakthrough and was fully better. Anxiety can get worse when you have other non emet stresses in your life (which I certainly did at that point) and also therapy can make you feel worse sometimes even if overall it's making you better. You're facing things that make you scared which is hard, but you'll be less scared of them later.
Just try to make the rest of your life as calm and healthy as you can and continue with therapy and you really will get better. Any time you have a setback just realize it's natural and keep trying.

[verityvee]

Lisa thanks for commenting.
How did you get better?
I'm having CBT and hypnotherapy. But I don't think my anxiety is really that much about emetophobia... I am deathly afriad of vomiting but I feel if I got rid of this phobia then my anxiety would just latch onto something else? Is that how you felt? Can I still treat this anxiety through CBT?
My therapist wants me to do exposure... but she is only a trainee and i dont think she know what she is doing tbh...
I keep telling I want to work on my anxiety levels too and she just keeps talking about the vomit phobia.

HELP

[lisalulu]

It has to be a combo of both reducing anxiety and exposure to the fear. If you just reduce your anxiety your emet will get a lot better but if won't be gone and when your life because stressful again it will come back. If you only do exposure you might not be strong enough to face it or you will just find something else to pin your anxiety on.

My success story thread explains what I did to get better, it's called 'finally free of emet' but I think what's right for everyone is different. I found what really reduced my anxiety was focusing my energy on other things by creating projects/activities for myself and also making time to rest by forcing myself to do things that help me unwind like read. Too much activity will make you more anxious, too much doing nothing will do the same. You have to balance them.
Good luck.

[Rebecca85]

You get rid of the phobia BY reducing your anxiety levels. The vomit phobia is just something concrete to work with. Then IF your anxiety latched on to something else you would use the exact same techniques to deal with that. And 16 sessions should be enough to teach you the techniques, then you can use them yourself. I mean I haven't even had CBT for this (I had a few sessions- no more than 5- for depression) and I have managed to apply the principles to this phobia. Now if that's all, don't you have to go and get recovering!!

[verityvee]

i just CANT break out of this vicious panic attack cycle.
I had one really bad one yesterday that made me call 999 and now i just feel like im about to have one any minute.

i really think i should leave this website but i cant
its so hard

[Elski]

Verity, do you think it would help if the mods bar you? They can put a temporary ban on you if you ask them. I really think this site does you no favours at all, not right now anyway xx

[verityvee]

But Lisa i don't seem to be scared of others vomiting as much anymore because i've sort of become used to it being a teenager and seeing so many drunks vomit. Obviously i cant be near anyone when they vomit but I used to get anxious just watching it on TV when i was little but now i can watch it with very little anxiety? I don't understand. have i made my phobia better or worse? I'm meant to be building a hierachy of things to expose myself too but i just dont have a clue what to put on it. At the top is "Me vomiting and loosing complete control" but i dont know what else to put... i dont know if pictures make me anxious anymore? i don't know maybe they do i'm just ignoring it ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh soooo confused

[lisalulu]

If others don't bother you much then you need to expose yourself to being uncomfortable/anxious/nauseous. I wasn't allowed to do anything to make myself less nauseous if I ate a bit too much at dinner or felt sick waking up, ect. And when you have a panic attack you have to just let yourself feel it

[verityvee]

I don't know if others bother me... they used to when i was younger.
I just watched an episode of "I'm A Celeb Get Me Out Of Here" and one woman was forced to drink some maggot water or something and she was gagging and i got really anxious and started sweating but didn't get a full blown panic attack... but then if i watch it on a comedy show i don't get anxious? I don't know

I just don't know where to start...