Moms -- How do you get through it

[carlie]

I'm a first time poster and mother of two young children (3 and 2), who has had this phobia for as long as I can remember. I'm glad I found this site, since I've spent all ofmy life up until now believing I was the only one who struggled with this.


My question is to the other mothers out there. How do you get through caring for your children when they get the stomach virus? My daughter had it last week and, though my husband is more than willing to handle it when he's around, he can't take off work to care for them if it happens during the week (which, of course, it did) and they inevitably want Mommy when they are ill. I'm still obsessing over when it might happen again and what I'll do to get through it.


I wish there was some magic pill I could take when I knew I was going to have to deal with "it". I feel horribly guilty and like such an awful Mother because all I want to do when they get the stomach virus is run. I'm afraid to hold them or even be in the same room with them.


Any suggestions or insight to help me cope?Edited by: carlie

[e-lizabeth]

This is the BIG question for mothers....It's so hard, eh? Just know that you were there and that you will be again, and try to separate how you feel from how you behave. It doesn't matter so much how you feel (of course it matters to you) but it matters how you act in front of and with your kids. It's fine to panic as long as you don't let on to your kids. Does that make sense?

[donna1216]

It is really hard--one time when my kids were going through their rotavirus winter, and were sick at least once a month, I had to call my friend to come over and help me because I was just about at my breaking point!! They started getting sick on Halloween that year, and by the time I lost it and needed help, it was February, so believe me, YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH!!! It is really a stressful time, even for non emets--another of my friends is not an emet, she and her husband are ill a lot--in fact, they are the ones who gave my girls rotavirus that year, irony. . . Anyway, when my girls were sick and I was upset and panicked, she didn't understand, until her little girl got sick one night, she called me the next day to apologize for not being sympathetic and for not doing anything to help me when my kids were sick!! So, just remember, you are not alone--and if you are able to, don't be afraid to ask for help from someone who won't mind helping you! (Especially if the kids are sick at the same time). The way I coped was to put them in bed and have them yell for me if they needed me--I was there for them, but I could also escape and panic in private!!!

[Melikasa]

I think love is the magic pill. It is hard to think about it before it happens and it is hard to describe how it all works. When my son was sick the first time. I felt the pannick well up inside me, but when I saw those big brown eyes and that sad pathetic look on his face I was able to deal with it.
I cleaned him up and the mess and got the panick "after". It was a delayed reaction for me. He is just everything to me and when I saw how much he was worried and upset I wanted to make sure he knew it wasn't a horrible thing he did. I know know that this is how I am going to react the next time. I think it will depend on whether my husband is home or not. I think if he is here it might make it different. KNOWING I have help might make it harder for ME to deal with it.

[pippi]

Its always very hard for me. I live through it every time but it NEVER gets easier! I'm okay as its happening because love takes over but after I FREAK! I also become a bleach freak spraying everything and washing my hands often ...making sure not to touch a towel theyve used etc.
My kids (actually just one of them mostly) gets sick that way once a year. In the 8 years I've only caught the V part 2 times and the 3rd time I got that sick feeling but it was just D not the V. So 2 out of 8 isn't too bad. I've also become more careful with not eating after my kids etc.

[Melikasa]

yeah that sounds familiar. Everything from that day gets treated like the plague. I will only use paper towels soI can throw them out and I use so many layers that I am sure I am super wastful. I don't want any on my hands. Then the bleach and soap and anything else to make sure it isn't dirty is pulled out from under the cupboard. The clothes get washed all alone in the wash or if they are old they get thrown out. Of course my guy has only been sick the one time.

[carlie]

Thanks! Nice to know I"m not alone in this struggle.


Like some of you said, I seem to get through it during the moment because I have to, but panic a lot after. I couldn't eat for two days after she had it and was panicking if my son even so much as coughed for fear he was next. Last year, my son and I both had Rotavirus. Since May, my daughter's had it twice. I remember getting it once a year or more as a child and am not looking forward to having to deal with it that often with my kids.I've considered trying to get some anti-anxiety medicine or something to takewhen they have it, just so I can relax about it and be a good, nuturingMom. My extended family thinks I'm being ridiculous of course and get a good laugh out of it.


I've come a long way with this phobia through the years and everyone told me that when it was my child doing it, it would be no big deal and love would take over. I have to say, it's not as difficult when it's your child, but still by no means easy.


Thanks again!

[rileyl]

Carlie - I am completely sympathetic to you. I am a mother of two, ages 8 and 6. My daughter (the 6 year old) has been v'g today. I love her dearly - I care for her when she v's and do my best to hide my phobia. However, v'g and my kids is the single hardest thing for me to deal with as a mother. Toa non-phobic that sounds ridiculous, and I know there are issues with children that are, in reality, so much worse that v'g. That does not stop the terror when I am dealing with it, however. The fear that my son will catch it or that I will. As a parent with this phobia, you are really caught in a bind between loving and protecting you child and running from what my phobic mind perceives as a very real threat.


I know that some of the younger members here can be critical of mothers with this phobia and warn against passing it on. I am very aware of that and try to guard against it, but the mothers also need support.


I can talk to you more about ways I cope if you want to give me your email address.


Best of luck!

[donna1216]

rileyl, I feel the same way--v'ing is the most difficult issue I deal with, too!! That's the first thing I thought of when I found out that I was pregnant with my 3rs a few weeks ago. I should have been thinking of sweet smells and baby fingers and toes, and hoping for that boy after having 2 girls, but NO--I think of morning sickness and stomach bugs!!

[rileyl]

Bless your heart, Donna! I know the feeling, and it is a relief to hear another mother say it. We should be commended for being good mothers in spite of this phobia. BTW, it does get easier as my kids age - they are 8 and 6 years old now. Your girls look younger than that from thier photos. They are adorable! Also, each kid is different. My son (8) has only occasionally v'd. My daughter (6) seems to be prone to sv's - we had a six-month period of time a while back when my daughter was sick with v'g so often that it literally landed me in therapy. God willing, it will never be that bad again.


As for the morning sickness, the advice you gave on one thread to never let your stomach get too empty worked wonders for me. I was literally eating something every couple of hours like an infant, ha! But I only v'd once when I let myself get too hungry. And even then (and I can't believe I am saying this) it was not that bad.


Please keep in touch!

[ontariogirl]

Being a single mother was very hard on me when they had the flu. With my first son I lived at home with my parents and my mother would help because I couldn't do a thing. When I got my own place it was hard. My oldest son would be puking in the pail or toilet and I would be there rubbing his back saying its ok, but inside I wouldbe freaking out. My oldest will be 21 and my youngest is 12. When I know that he has the flu I am there for him. I hide my phobia because I don't want them growing up fearing the vomiting. I wash my hands and use the hand sanitizer, I use my lysol to spray everything in the bathroom, I dont use towels to dry my hands too many germs paper towel all the way. I dont eat when he is sick, I sip on water, maybe a few crackers but that is it, I usually count to the third day if I am not feeling sick then I wont catch it. You have to be brave and be there for the kids. I told my oldest son about my phobia when he was 18 and he couldn't believe it! He said that I was always there for him and I said of course I wasn't going to leave him alone! Now the last time he was here for a visit his brother was up puking and I mean puking it freaked me out to no end. My oldest told me to go to my room that he will clean the mess up and his brother up that it doesnt bother him at all. That was good for him to do that and I was relieved but the next time will be coming and it will only be me and that is when I will be freaking out asking for some support! Instead of taking Gravol for nausea which makes me groggy I take Bonamine itdoes the job and you are not groggy at all.


R.C

[donna1216]

Ontariogirl, you should be proud, you raised a son who is not afraid of v***. I am raising a semi-emet, my 4 yr. old will cover her eyes and run away if my 2 yr. old coughs or cries too hard (see my "IS this normal" post), because she thinks she is going to throw up!! I don't know if it is me contributing to it, both of my kids know I hate throw up, but I don't think they know that I am AFRAID of it! If my oldest is afraid to throw up, I hope it isn't because of me, it seems that every time she gets sick that way, she is VIOLENTLY sick.
I need to go eat now so I don't get morning sickness and make my phobia worse!!

[ontariogirl]

Thank you Donna; It is very hard and frustrating to have this phobia when you have children. About 5 years ago my youngest (Ty) had the flu and I mean he had it bad, I went into my room and cried saying to myself I can't do this and then you hear the "Mom" and off I went.Constantly washing my hands,arms and face, using the Lysol to clean the bathroom,and I mean clean,everything on that toilet, the taps, the counter, the door the door handle. I became angry with myself because of this phobia. I felt better when the throwing up stopped. He went to his dad's on the Friday thinking good, now I can concentrate on me, no, my oldest at that time was around 15 and he started throwing up, oh christ I thought I can't do this.I nibbled on crackersand drank water for a week, that is a time that I will never forget. I can honestly say that mothers who can't be there for the kids when they are sick are not bad mothers at all. I think we all know what bad mothers are like, we hear it on the news, read about them in papers. We are caring and loving mothers who show our kids how much they mean to us. I will tell you how kids are so smart and how they pick up things so fast just by seeing and listening. I am scared of thunderstorms because they can produce Tornado's. Ty has never been afraid of storms, then one day there was a storm and I was freaking out really bad and then Ty started freaking out, my neighbour pulled me aside and said STOP IT look what you are doing, look at Ty! He picked it up right away and all of a sudden here was my kid freaking out like me. I have learned that when there is a storm I hide it just like the phobia, the thunder pounds and I am like look at that lightening Ty! hes like aren't you afraid, hell no I would say! Kids know! My friend who has a 6yrs.old daughter has begun to show signs of this phobia, maybe from her mother. She is afraid to go to school on Fridays because the last time she threw up was on the Friday, she is petrified so the mother is trying to get that out of her daughters head. I threw up when I was way young and I remember it was the Sour Cream and Onion chips to this day I will not touch, eat or smell them.You can't show anger towards the child because they are afraid to throw up, you show anger infront of them and they will be afraid to throw up anytime and anywhere. I should stop this is getting long.What do you think?

[Melikasa]

Well it is a hard thing to try and control but it can be done.I don't think that it is ALWAYS the case that a child picks up on a fear. I know that my mom is terrified of storms and of any hight and I have neither of those fears.
What a child MAY pick up on is that what they are doing is wrong and dirty. They may not "fear" it but may be ashamed of it.
I also know that you don't have to have emet to not want to eat what made you sick the last time. My brother got sick from cinnamon buns and can not even stand the smell any more because he was sick from eating one that was very rich. I know that there were a couple of things I thought I would never eat again because I was sick the last time I ate them but I broke down and tried them and I was just fine.

[rileyl]

Hello again. Let me just say that - "You are my people." All you moms with this phobia and, in particular, Ontariogirl, because I too am a single mom. My kids are 8 and 6, and their dad lives in another state. My family for various reasons are not available to help out, so I am essentially on my own to deal with the phobia and the care of sick kids.


From my experience, I think whether a person develops this phobia is a crap shoot. I am not sure whether I developed this because my mother had it, or whether I just happen to have a personality that was susceptible to it. I recall a v'g episode when I was about 6 which was particularly frightening for me, andwhich is where I beleive my phobia stems from. However, my sisters aren't phobic. I am not sure about my mom - She's 70, and I don't think here generation really examines things like this.


As far as my own kids, I do try to hide it so as not to pass it on. The interesting thing is that my6 year old daughter is MUCH more prone to v'g than is her 8 year old brother, and yet the one with the more phobic reaction is my son. My daughter really seems to take it all in stride. She doesn't seem to mind v'g much if it means she can stay home from school. 8) I guess this just shows that the fact that emets don't v very often actually reinforces the phobia. Yet I don't want to become "used to it" - I just too scared to do that.


Like Ontariogirl, I plan to tell my kids about my phobia when they are older - 18 or so. I want to explain to them that it is my hangup, and does not have to be theirs. In the meantime, I will do my best to hide it.


One thing I like to keep in mind is that, aside from v'g, I am really doing a fine job raising my kids as I am sure you are all too!

[ontariogirl]

Way to go girl!! Its funny because no one in my family has this at all, only me. My kids have no problems puking and it is normal not to like it, what is there to like about it? nothing! Even people who dont have this phobia dont like to puke.All I am saying is there are some kidswho watch parents freak out and they see it, not all kids become petrified. Like my friend said, she knows what her daughter is going through and she can understandher 100% unlike us who have families who say theyunderstand but deep down they dont. Her young daughter has a chance to deal and get over this debiliating phobia. Way to go Rileyl we are doing a great job raising our kids!Edited by: ontariogirl

[felicia]

Hello


I am new to this site but this topics hits close to home. The most of my phobia is fearing of other people being sick. So the first time my son (who is now 5) was really sick i totally freaked out. I don't mean burping and formula i mean really really sick. He V****ed all over the bed and i ran out the front door. If it wasn't for his father I don't know how I would have made it through that day. When it was all over I cried and cried because I felt sooo useless as a mother. The first thing my son did was call for his mommy and I felt sooo bad because in all honesty I didn't want him near me. As he's gotten older I think he's aware of my phobia and it doesn't seem to be afeecting him. When he says he doesn't feel good he makes sure to tell me "I don't have to throw up mommy". He also makes an effort to cover my eyes when we watch Fear Factor[img]smileys/smilies_04.gif[/img]

[parrotxoxo]

Last time my son was sick, he v*** on the livingroom carpet. I wanted so badly to hold him, and help him, but before I knew what was even happening, I was running out of the room, leaving him to stand there and be sick all by himself. I felt so horrible, I could have just beat the hell out of myself. I went in the bathroom and cried, knowing I left my 5 year old little boy, standing in the livingroom, feeling awful, and also partly because I knew it had to be cleaned up and I went in to panic mode. I got the biggest towel I own, walked in to the livingroom, and covered it all up without looking. I took my son inmy bedroom, got him comfy in the bed with a heatingpad for his belly, and hs favorite movie in the DVD player, and called my mother. She knows how I cant handle situations like this.... so she drove over, and cleaned my carpet for me. Thank God is all I can say.....Here I am, 36 years old...own my own house, raise a 5 year old by myself, work everyday, and I cant even clean IT up? That sounds so stupid to me....but I just cant do it.

[ontariogirl]

Parrotxoxo; you are not the only one who can't do this. I can't clean it up either I know that its frustrating. I think you did great, you took your son into your bedroom and you made him comfy. It is hard to pick up a kid after he has vomited,you did that! It is also comforting to you thatyour mother came over to help, I would call my mother and I am 39! I would love to hold and comfort my child when he is sick but I can't and it makes me feel horrible. At night when he goes tobed I give him a hug and a kiss, never on the lips always on the cheek, been that way with both of them, I fear if Igive them a kiss on the lips and they wake up sick during the night my chances of getting that bug has gotten stronger.I can say that you are not alone!

[donna1216]

I know how you all feel!! My daughter was not sick, but she did choke & throw up all over the carpet last night!! It was so bad, she had eaten BLUE fruit roll up--I cleaned up the *graphic* "chunks" (BLAH--pregnant and doing that--not fun) but I poured Bissell carpet cleaner on the stains and left it for my hubby to deal with--I don't think I could have cleaned it up with the carppet cleaner and then dump the dirty, smelly water in the toilet!! Thinking about it is giving me the heebie jeebies!!!

[e-lizabeth]

Wow - what an interesting thread...I've always wondered how single mothers do it. I know the times that my 5 year-old has thrown up when I've been alone with her I've managed to handle it, clean it, clean her, etc. but I also know that I totally rely on my husband to get me through it emotionally and physically. I think I have gotten more freaked out when my hubby has been sick than when my kid has been sick, because when he's sick I am in charge. I am the completely responsible adult in the home and that gets to my feelings of incompetence that I have dealt with in therapy. And that's when I think about single moms, and marvel at your bravery and strength. I too worry about passing this on to my kids (I have my daughter and a newborn son) and now, with my hormones raging from giving birth and the time of year and all, I hope that I can find the courage and great attitude that I've had for the past year. Anyway, the one thing we know is that we love our kids and I think most of us here are really conscious aware parents in part because we're so anxious - we think so much about how we are as parents; maybe in the end it'll serve our children well.


Hey Ontariogirl - where in Ontario? I'm just outside Toronto.

[hethmares]

It's really, really rough let me tell you. I try not to panic in front of my son when he v's and sometimes my hubby will take care of my son so I don't have to see or deal with it too much, but there are times when I am "stuck" and have to deal with it. My stomache is usually in knots while it is going on, but I try to keep a poker face in front of my son. The minute he is in his room laying down and I am in my room and out of his sight, I almost alwayscompletely break down...shakes, crying, nausea, insomnia. I just make it through the best that I can, it's so hard to do but I some how make it through each time...barely...usually my husband helps me through it by talking me through it and talking me "down", otherwise I don't think I would be able to deal with it as well as I do sometimes. He's had to shake me a few times to get me to calm down out of my hysterics. WHen my son is sick I am very standoffish with him, I won't hug him or kiss him for a couple days, but I will check on him periodically (or ask myhubby to check on him if I am panicking severely) and ask how he's doing/feeling.


It's terrible though,you just do the best that you can...


I just try my hardest not to let my son see me freak as they say you can pass emetophobia off to your kids and my god I don't want my kids to have this horrible phobia.





Edited by: hethmares

[izzy_b]

Hi


I have also been an e'phobe for as long as I can remember and am starting to look at it in therapy, hence looking for sites like this.


I am not a mother yetbut just got marriedwould really love to start a family soon. As you can all understand I am totally terrified about it so this thread makes interesting reading for me.


Some of the things I worry about is stuff you have mentioned here, dealing with it when they are ill and passing it on to them but what if I can't even get o that stage?


I am scared of even getting pregnant because of morning sickness and the strain my panic would put on the baby, and the worst thing of all is my fear of dropping the baby if it is sick. How did all you wonderful mothers make it through tose bits?


Thanks


Isobel

[donna1216]

Hi there,
I am going through that right now, actually!!! I have not felt nauseated (knock on wood!!) yet, except for a couple of times when I had migraines and once when I got too hot. I DO have reflux, so I have been taking Pepcid, and I have been wearing sea sickness bands, just in case, you know!! I also went thru my other 2 pregnancies with no v'ing. My mother made it through 4--I think some of it is in your mind, if you enter pregnancy thinking that you're going to be and/or feel sick, then you will!! Of course, some of it IS physiological, because with my 2nd baby, I felt nauseated whenever I drank caffeine, but not really any other time! But, if you do get pregnant and you are worried about morning sickness, the Sea Bands work, I don't know if I would have been nauseated without them, but I have not been sick with them on, also 2 of my friends have worn them and it has helped them, too!!!

[zane2673]

HI, I'm new to this site and this posting has been the most comforting to me. I have a 4 year old and 2 year old. My two year old is my puker. She throws up even with just a cold and she suffers from motion sickeness. My son is like me and is not prone to throwing up. Anyway, I can relate to all of you. When my daughter is sick, the fear of the vomiting goes away while she doing it. I can comfort her and clean up after her. It's the aftermath, that I have a hard time dealing with.The last time she was stomach sick was September (knock on wood).It was the first time she threw up more than once. She was throwing upevery 15 minutes and did it from 3:30 in the morning until 5 am. In between her being sick I would leave the room and smokecigarettes (I quit smoking2 years ago, but it was the only way I could cope.) to calm down, and I would pace waiting for her to get sick again. I would watchand once she started getting sick I would run to her side. I got through it by the grace of god!!As the time goes by I begin to obsess at night when the next time will be that she will throw up. I worry if she falls asleep to early or if she is restless during the night that tonight will be the night she gets sick. I wish there was a magic way to get over the aniexty of it. I want to thank all of you for being so frank and honest. It really has helped me.

[carlie]

I had severe morning sickness my first trimester with both my pregnancies, but never actually v***. Itried to once, because I thought it would make me feel better, but still couldn't. However, I managed to deal with it pretty well, because even though I still had thosefears, my desire to have children made it manageable and more tolerable, if that makes sense. Also, there are things you can take ifthe morning sickness is toobad.


As for dealing with a sick baby, that didn't bother me. My son had reflux and v**p constantly. He also had rotavirus as an infant and my need to comfort him won over my fear. It didn't start to bother me with my kids until they were older and complained of tummy aches. For me, it's the not knowing when it's going to happen that seems to cause me the most stress. I'm ok while it's happening, because, once again, I want to comfort them. My panic comes before and after. However, I can't imagine life without them and I have a very helpful and understanding husband. I admire the single mothers tremendously for doing it all alone.

[helpatlast]

I am new to this site also. I was really surprised that there were so many others who are as terrified as I. I have 2 children ages 3 and 17 mos. I didn't v**** during either pregnancy but was extremely nauseaed most of the time. I prayed I didn't get sick. When my 3 year old was about 1, she v**** all night. Luckily my husband too care of everything, I was so afraid to watch her do it. But now my 17 mos. old does it all the time and I am getting used to it. I caught it in my hand once. I still think I would be afraid to see an adult do it and I still can't do it myself.

[giff1949]

I have not posted for several months but this is such an interesting post with so much encouragement. I just want to say that I can identify with ALL of you. I was not a single mom but my husband traveled lots and so I had to handle sick kids and potential sick kids by myself. I lived in total panic all the time and when the kids were sick I would even run out of the house, pace, cry, clean obsessivley, not eat and everything you all are describing. I also did most of my panicking behind closed doors. I tried my very best not to let them know that I was so phobic about this. When my husband was around he helped alot although he did not know I had a phobia about it. He just thought I did not like it. I did not tell him about it until our children were 7 and 11. I thought I was the only person in the world with this (I did not even realize it was a real phobia with a name until less than a year ago. It probably didn't have a name at the time).

Well, my children are now 24 and 28 and neither one of them has this phobia. I just recently told my 28 yr old son and he was genuinely surprised. He has a 9 yr old who v**** quite a bit and my son handles it with no problem at all. My 24 yr old daughter does not have the phobia either. I just wanted you all to know that it is possible to be an emet and NOT pass it on to your children.

You all sound so loving and compassionate that I'm sure you more than make up for the fact that you suffer (and I do mean SUFFER) with this terrible phobia. Congratulations to all of you for loving your children so much. I remember how hard it was when mine were growing up and I totally understand the stress that it puts on you. I am so glad that you young moms have each other to lean on. You are great support for each other. You are all doing a great job!

Take care,
Debbie

[rileyl]

God bless you, Debbie. Thanks for the encouraging words!!

[ontariogirl]

Thank you Debbie, your post touched my heart like you wouldn't believe. Thank you. I just want people to know that being on this site has helped me out and I thank all of you. I feel so thankful that I am not alone that I can come to this site for help, encouragement to keep hanging in there when times get rough. Give yourselves a pat on the back you deserve it!