Tired of my emetophobic wife.

[maycontainnuts]

I need to rant.....

1. She is an unfit mother. We have two small children. When they get sick, instead of taking care of them and comforting them like a normal, loving mother, she literally runs out of the house and leaves them on their own, vomiting. Not only is this an incredibly selfish thing on her part, it puts our kids in danger. What if one of the children while being sick faints and chokes on his vomit? Where is his mother? What if the vomiting is a symptom of a medical emergency? Where is the mother to get him to the hospital quickly? She's in the backyard taking care of HER self. Even when the kids aren't sick, more often than not she calls my mom or her mom to come pick them up because she can't take care of them, she's not feeling well.

2. She is not a good wife. She took the vows, "in sickness and in health". But she's never there for the sickness part. When I'm sick she abandons me just like she abandons the kids. She goes a step further - she packs up the kids and off they go to her mom's for days and even weeks until she feels I'm no longer contagious. Where is she as my wife to comfort me and take care of me when I'm sick? I take care of her when she's not feeling well, which is every day apparently, and she expects me to!

3. She is lazy. She refuses to get a job to contribute to our household financially, leaving me to be the sole provider, which is fine, I work, I make ends meet, but if she worked, we could have a better quality of life and put money away for the children's education. But no, she refuses to work because she can't hold down a job. Everyone and everything is always contaminated in her mind. So she stays home, which would be fine if she actually did something at home. She barely takes care of the kids! She doesn't cook, doesn't go grocery shopping because everything there is contaminated. All she does day in and day out is lie in bed, complaining that she doesn't feel good, obsessing about every little imagined/real symptom. Funny thing is, she's the only one in our house who is never actually sick! She's just a hypochondriac. What a perfect excuse for not doing anything.

4. We can't entertain because if we do have people over, she starts interrogating them about how they're feeling, if anyone's been sick lately, if their children have been sick. It's so embarrassing.

5. If I touch anything on her plate or take a sip from her glass, all hell breaks loose. Yet she kisses me and has sex with me. Where's the logic?

I want a wife who can be a partner to me, not a burden. I want a wife who can be a mother to our children, espeically when they're sick and need her most. I want a wife who puts her children before herself. I want a wife who can contribute to our relationship and our family. If she won't go out to work then she should work in the house - keep the house clean, cook meals, take care of our children. Not lie in bed all day imagining illnesses she doesn't have and pawning her children off on others. She bleaches everything always but never actually cleans our house. It always looks like a tornado hit it. I want a wife I can take out and have fun with. I want A NORMAL WOMAN TO SHARE MY LIFE WITH. Is that too much to ask?

I have researched emetophobia extensively. It's an exaggerated fear just like any other phobia, and like any other phobia it can be overcome. It's not a disease, it's not a disability. I have told my wife that if she doesn't snap out of it and get over it, I'm taking the kids and leaving. And I'm fighting for sole custody because she has allowed a phobia to turn her into an unfit, and maybe even dangerous, mother. Abandoning our children when they're sick could put them in danger.

Enough is enough. I told her to get the help she needs and to do everything she needs to do to get over this, and there isn't anything I won't do to help her, even if it means getting a second job to pay for her therapy, but if she continues like this, I am going to leave and I'm taking the kids. I can't live with a crazy woman and I won't expose my children to her insanity any longer. To be this afraid of something that never happens to the woman - she never actually vomits - is the very definition of insanity. What reasonably normal, sane, person would allow some imagined illness to take over and ruin every part of her life? If she had a real illness, or a real disability, then that's different. I would honour my in sickness and in health and stay with her. But emetophobia is just a phobia that's become a convenient excuse for her to check out of life. It's a convenient excuse for her to not have to do the unpleasant, mundane, but necessary things in life - like taking care of your own children when they're sick. Or getting out of bed, getting dressed, and functioning

There is no shortage of mature, SANE, reliable, responsible women out there. I will not subject myself or my children to her selfish neurosis any longer. So selfish and childish! To be rendered paralyzed over vomit. Grow the ef up!!!!

Rant over.

[triciamassey]

Im sorry, but you're a friggin' idiot...Maybe its YOU thats the unfit parent/partner..This IS a disease..Its not that simple to overcome..Do you think we WANT to be this way? Im sure your wife has tried everything to get over her fear but its not easy..She needs support from you and the people that she loves..Im sure shes not a bad mother,this fear makes us all feel like bad wives/husbands and parents sometimes but its uncontrollable...How would you feel if you had cancer or some other kind of disease and your wife just gave up on you? Im sorry but you really shouldnt come to this forum that is for people like your wife who need help and basically tell all of us to grow the eff up..You're the one that needs help..You took the vows too,,through SICKNESS and health,,well this is a sickness..Are you staying true to your vows? Apparantly not..I wish your wife the best of luck and hope she can find the support she needs..
I need to add though,,in your defense i know this can be frustrating to the spouse also, but it sounds like you are not very supportive of her..I know you said you would get a second job for her therapy but you seem like you are very harsh and rude towards her..Telling her to just "get over it" is not going to help her at all..

[maycontainnuts]

I'm sorry but to compare a phobia to cancer is ridiculous. All phobias, including emetophobia, are learned behaviours. So if my wife learned to become completely incapacitated over an unfounded fear of vomiting, she can surely learn to not be afraid and relearn to function like a normal person.

I'm not being insensitive. I have bent over backwards trying to help her, picking up the slack when she can't or won't do her part. I'm tired of it. You think it's easy living with an emetophobic person? Maybe you should live a day in my shoes before you call me an idiot.

If a mother cannot take care of her child, she's incompetent. Period. No excuse. If she had cancer, to use your example, and could not care for our children, those children still could not / should not be left in her care because she poses a danger to them. What is the difference?

It's easy to pick on the husband, call him names, put the blame on us. But it's really not always about the emetophobic person you know.

[KaydeeJayde]

Okay, I'm hoping you're a really thorough troll, I really am, but I'm thinking you might not be.

I understand that living with someone with anxiety is really difficult, but this is a support place, you're not going to get many people reacting positively to this post, I don't think.

I have a few things to say about this. Here goes.

She is an unfit mother.

I wonder whether she's "unfit" when your children are healthy. I'm sure she loves them more than anything, but this disorder makes things so difficult for people in the most simple of situations but when there are children involved, it's twice as hard, children get sick so often, imagine the fear she lives with every day of her life?

She is lazy. She refuses to get a job to contribute to our household financially...

I can understand your frustration, again, I can. However, I don't think that you should be so quick to jump to this conclusion that she is lazy. If this is the only reason she doesn't get a job, she's not lazy, she has a disorder that prevents her from living her life to the full, and I'm sure that she doesn't like being thought of as lazy at all. A few times when my emetophobia has been quite severe, I've had to take days away from work because I was literally too terrified to get out of bed. Again, I ask you to think about how that must feel for her.

She's just a hypochondriac. What a perfect excuse for not doing anything.

Anxiety can cause the sufferer to feel unwell all of the time. Ask a good number of members on this board how often they feel too ill to function, and they'll tell you most of the time. It's an awful feeling, and this phobia is awful because it's something you can't escape from. She's not a hypochondriac, she's probably honestly not feeling well and a little sympathy on your part would probably be much appreciated by her.

I have researched emetophobia extensively... It's not a disease, it's not a disability.

I would argue that if you think this is not a disease or a disability then you have no researched thoroughly enough. A disability is anything that prevents one from living a "normal" life, and that's what this phobia does to your wife, and all of us on this board. Again, I'd like to point out that your wife probably doesn't like being this way even more than you don't like her being this way, but emetophobia can make for a miserable life.

The fact that you have called your wife crazy, selfish, childish, and lazy because of something that effects all of us, and I personally don't appreciate that kind of thing at all. This is a support forum and I do understand that living with an emetophobic can't be easy, and I don't know how you treat your wife at all, but if you're not already, treating her with a bit of sensitivity and understanding probably wouldn't hurt and she might be more likely to go and seek help.

Grow the ef up!!!!

This is ironic. Maybe you should grow up and honor your marriage vows. Your wife has an illness, she needs your support, step up to the plate and be a man. Complaining about her on an anonymous forum is weak and doesn't do anything to help her or yourself, or your children. Be. A. Man.

Once again, I hope to God you are a troll. If not, I can't fathom how someone could say such hurtful things about a person they're meant to love and support.

Either way, I'm pretty disgusted.

EDIT: As an emetophobic, I'm under no impressions that this is all about me, or that it's easy living with me. More than once, I've considered and tried 3 times to take my own life to save my family and friends the trouble of dealing with me, because my father said things to me like you've just said about your wife. Think about that for a minute. Often the things we feel worse about in terms of this disease is how it effects other people. I'm speaking of the ones I've spoken to, we're not the selfish ones, a lot of the time. Sometimes we do some things that seem crazy to you, but who are you to tell us what's not scary and what's not a big deal and to tell us we're lazy?

[maycontainnuts]

More than what I have done and continue to do, what more can I possibly do to support her? Quit my job and look after our kids myself? Can't do that. One of us has to work to feed those kids. Am I supposed to put all my other needs aside and bow down to her unwillingness to face her fear? She won't even go to therapy any more. She refuses to take medication that might help her because she thinks that will make her vomit. It's so frustrating. I want to save my family and my marriage but this is INSANE! I can't take any more and I sure as hell will not allow her to teach our children to be scared of life like she is. No way. They see her freak out, what do you think they'll do? I have to protect them from her. The only way I know how to do that, since she refuses to do the hard work to get better, is take them away from her so she can't pass her insanity on to them. I don't want my kids growing up like her. I'm already living like a single father, except I have this neurotic wife riding on my coattails. If she's not going to be a wife and mother, then if our children and I have to live like a siingle dad family, then we will BE a single dad family. And she can cuddle up to her emetophobia at night! How does that make me a bad person? I'm not going to be a marter.

[zazabinks]

You're either a very successful troll or a fucking moron. Actually, most likely both. There's so much logic I could shoot down your argument with, but you're not even worth my time. I'm a phobia-free guy living with an emet and sure, it's not always easy, but I can't understand a single thing you're complaining about. You don't deserve to be loved, let alone to have children.

[lynda]

You may well need to rant and you may be having a hard time but this is not the place to do it. I think you have come here to have a go at emetophobics in general. You know that talking like this on an emet support forum is not going to win you any friends. You are just looking for a row. Go look somewhere else mate....you are out of order here whatever you are suffering in your life.

[arora]

I really never want to reply to any type of these threads bc i feel that it always starts some kind of drama, but i jsut want to put in my opinion because i want to help you and your wife. first of all, i can see how frustrating it can be for you. trust me, my boyfriend gets mad at me sometimes because he just doesnt understand. i have emetephobia, and i can tell you that it is a REAL illness. i know its nothing you can physically see, and thats why its hard for people to take us seriously. but its as real as having a broken foot. for me, its not life altering. i go out, work, do things that any normal person would do. and i feel as though im one of the lucky ones. i know you feel as though your wife is being completely selfish right now, but trust me she DOES NOT want to be like this. feeling like you cant take care of your children, or do the normal everyday things because of this is intensly depressing. This year has been the worst year for me and this phobia, some days i didnt feel like getting out of bed. you cannot help the thoughts that run through your head that make you terrified to; go to the store, throw a party, or clean up the puke from youe child. we WANT to be able to do these things but it is just so hard. I honestly cant imagine having to take care of everything yourself, and i am sorry that you have to. but your wife is sick right now. she really is. just because you cant see it, thats she not having actual symptoms, shes more sick right now, than she probably was the last time she had a physical illness. To you, this phobia may not me a disability, but to a lot of us it can be. you say you took your vows, through sickness and in health. sickness does not just mean a cold, or cancer. it means any kind of sickness. mental or physical. i can see why you want to pack up and leave, but where is your part in sticking through the sickness and health? Basically, i just want you to realize this is a real thing. she isnt just playing the part to be lazy, and to get out of taking care of the kids. TRUST ME. shes not. It isnt a selfish thing, its actually quite the opposite because its US that its hurting the most.

I truly understand where your coming from. She can go get therapy and hopefully that would help. I think if she knew you were taking her kids away from her she would at least try and see someone to help her. She definitely needs to get better, because she IS sick. But sometimes we do have to be strong and overcome it. but we can not just "get over it". trust me if that could happen, that'd be a miracle. What we need is support and people who will stick by us until we get better. and i believe she will. She will only get worse if people scrutinize and treat her as though shes a lazy, incompitent mother. There are so many different things that set off this phobia. Anxiety or depression can set it off. i know it does mine. when im truly feeling happy, my emet is hardly there at times. Theres more thats going on there.

I hope you didnt take this post as offensive in any way. i just want you to realize that this phobia is REAL. No one would ever choose to have this. She isnt doing this to make your life hell, as im sure it is. and im sorry for that. Its purely hell for her too. you feel trapped in your own body and you cant run away. EVER. If your willing to stick around in hopes she will get better i would just really try and be there for her and MAKE her get help. If its not too much, maybe make her an appointment with someone and then drive her there. hopefully shes willing to go and try to get over this. and maybe thats what you need to do just to get her there. BUT if shes not even willing to try and work on things for you and your kids, then maybe its time to give her a wakeup call. that would be harsh, but sometimes people need that. whatever way that is.

As an emet all i can say is, whether you leave her or not, the last thing we want is for people to put us down, to make us feel stupid, or that we are making this phobia up. it will only make her resent you.

I hope you two can work things out, and i truly hope she gets better. Has she ever seen this site? maybe tell her about it, its a really helpful site. she will get to know lots of people with the same problem she has, and maybe she will come to terms with things, or see that you can live your life with this. all we would do here is help her.

Good luck.

[maycontainnuts]

She is an unfit mother even when our children are well. Because she's always sick, or thinks she is. I do no exaggerate when I say she stays in bed 90% of the time. When the kids are well she plops them in front of the TV all day, and that's when she's not calling one of our mothers to come pick them up because she can't handle them.

I came to this site because I too am a victim of emetophobia. Again, it's not just the emetophobic person who suffers. It's everyone around her. We all suffer - me and our beautiful children, as much as she does. I will not allow my home and our lives to be centered around a PHOBIA!!! I will not! I have done it for years, trying to be patient, understanding, supportive, helpful. Nothing works. The more I do, the worse she gets because she has to do even less. Do you get what I'm saying? I'm at my wit's end here!

This is a phobia, it's not a serious medical illness like cancer, and to compare it to cancer is beyond insulting to cancer patients and their families. You have little, if any, control over cancer. You have A LOT of control over any phobia. If my wife had cancer I wouldn't be this frustrated, I wouldn't leave her, I wouldn't expect her to grow the ef up. But she doesn't have cancer, she doesn't even have diabetes, she has a friggin PHOBIA for goodness sake! Let's put things in persepective people.

[turbokinetic]

Emetophobia can indeed be overcome. It takes a combination of willpower and support from other people.

It's good that you are willing to help pay for therapy and treatments but that only goes so far. The most important thing is how you treat her.

With the attitude shown in your post, it looks like you have basically given up, and not likely to give ANY constructive suport to her situation.

That, or you are indeed a troll*.

Sincerely,
David

* troll = person who intentionally makes inflammatory or torubling posts. They are "trolling" for flames (argments) and get satisfaction from hurting others feelings.

[KaydeeJayde]

I'm going to speak as someone who spends a lot of time with cancer patients. My mother is a nurse and works with people with cancer all the time. I used to go to see a man that my mum cared for a lot, he and I were friends and he talked to me and I talked to him. I told him about my phobia, and laughingly, he said to me, upon realising the severity of it, said "That's just as bad as cancer, isn't it?" He was not joking, there was no sarcasm. Before you start saying stuff like that, have some facts. Luckily for him, he's perfectly healthy now. Me I'm still suffering, and he comes to see me on my worst of days.

[maycontainnuts]

My best friend died of cancer. One day he was a perfectly healthy vibrant human being and within two years he was dead. During those two years, while the cancer literally ate away at him, rendering him into a boney skeleton and shell of who he once was, he fought so hard! He did everything he could think of and that was recommended to him, no matter how looney it seemed. He endured endless rounds of chemo and radiation that made him so violently sick, wouldn't even wish it on an animal! He ingested every kind of herbal remedy imaginable, he did relaxation, visualization, faith healing, you name it! He was operated on 3 times. Point is, this man fought like hell to get well and not lose his life. And he had cancer! What does my wife do with a phobia? Stays in bed all day.

Can someone please tell me what I'm supposed to do? How I'm supposed to get her to do whatever it takes so I can have my wife back, so our children can have the mother they deserve, and so she can have quality of life? Instead of telling me I'm an inconsiderate ass, can you please tell me specifically what I'm supposed to do? What have I not already done? Simply supporting her won't help. It won't get rid of the phobia. It just encourages the behaviour. What do I do to get her well !!!

[KaydeeJayde]

I don't know how to get this through to you. This is a debilitating condition for some people. Supporting her does not encourage the behaviour, honestly. Supporting her may actually encourage her to get the help you (and probably she) feels she so desperately needs. Maybe direct her here. Perhaps feeling she's not alone in this will help. Suggest different kinds of therapies to her. Make yourself available to talk. You can't expect support from a forum full of emetophobics when you more or less called us selfish, lazy hypochondriacs. Smart move. Not.

[lynda]

Do you think that anybody would still be an emetophobic and on a support forum if we knew how to get rid of this phobia? Do you think anybody wants or chooses to be like this because I can assure you they don't. Emetophobia may affect you but not in the same way. Im sorry about your wife, your friend and your troubles but you are in the wrong place and just looking for a row.

[stephenie]

Don't you dare fucking bash on her its not her fault she's emetophobic. If you're that upset leave her. She deserves better I'm juss sayin.

[hsbbd]

I understand that you feel that this phobia is nothing more than that. Just something that we fear like spiders or snakes and so it should not be compared to cancer, but honestly, it is much more than that, it is a fear of our own bodies. A fear of eating, leaving the house, or being near someone is sick. Again, this is not the fear you feel when you go to a horror flick, this is true, blood curdling life threatening fear and some of us don't even know what caused it. Speaking from my own experience, this fear is much more than just a panic, it is uncontrolled and instantaneous. I can honestly say that I have run away from someone vomiting in so much of a panic that I will be gone in an instant and practically not remember how I left. It is the same feeling you would get if you were dangling from the edge of the empire state building by 3 fingers and it is not something any of us are proud of or enjoy. You should talk to your wife about trying an anti-emetic or anxiety medication, I know that they won't fix it forever but they will help her to get out of bed, begin functioning again and eventually get to therapy. Understand that I am so afraid of v* that I will not tell my doctor because I don't want exposure therapy and this is probably what your wife is feeling. Explain to her that you will not make her do anything that she is uncomfortable with and, even though I know you don't have much left, try and have a little patience with her because, again, she is experiencing the fear that you would experience if there was a hired assassin who tried to kill you every time you left the house.

About your feelings that she is being a bad mother, I know it sounds cliche but try talking to her about it. It may be true that there is something more than her phobia playing a role in her life choices, so you should just sit down and tell her what you expect of her (i.e. cleaning up the house a little) and that you understand that she is sick but you need help as well because as they were saying, most of us are worried about hurting the people close to us and some will even not have kids because of their fear so do your best to understand that she is struggling and even having kids is a huge step.

Honestly, emetophobia is not something that you can "catch" if your mother has it. My grandma has problems with vomit to the point that she would make her children clean it up themselves but none of them have emetophobia! I know that you are a victim too and I would be willing to bet that she knows that you are, and feels bad about it too, but like I said, it is a fear response, something that she can't really help, which is why it is so sad that you are willing to abandon her. Understand that by calling your mothers, she is doing her best to provide the support for her children that she cannot, probably feeling guilty all the while that she is laying in bed, fearing an illness that she probably knows logically that she doesn't have but can't escape emotionally.

The reason it is very hard for us, here on this forum, is that we all confront our fears each time we leave the house or sometimes even eat and many are mothers and fathers so we don't appreciate you telling (basically all of us) that we are childish and have an irrational fear that is a waste of time because trust me, we know, and we hate that we cannot escape it. So please, try to be there this one last time for your wife, if not as a husband, as a friend and someone who cares for her and wants her life to be better, not just so she will clean your house and care for your children, but so that she can enjoy living again. To truly honor your wedding vows (which seems to be a popular topic) you much be there for her because you want her to live again, not because you need her to help around the house. You married her because you loved her, emetophobia and all so please, for her sake and all of ours, do not abandon her, regardless of how hard it really is because you entered into this contract knowing that it all wouldn't be unicorns and rainbows and leaving it now would be just like leaving someone with a physical sickness on their death bed because she may never be able to recover without your support, even as just a friend.

[MrParker]

The OP should stop bitching and help his wife.

Sorry for my confrontational attitude but Emetophobia is a curse, we can't leave the room and hope it goes away like the fear of spiders, it plagues us.

[KaydeeJayde]

Mr Parker, I would think this is an appropriate time for a confrontational attitude? :P

[stephenie]

Hahah yeah erin!

[MrParker]

You're either a very successful troll or a fucking moron. Actually, most likely both. There's so much logic I could shoot down your argument with, but you're not even worth my time. I'm a phobia-free guy living with an emet and sure, it's not always easy, but I can't understand a single thing you're complaining about. You don't deserve to be loved, let alone to have children.

Give this man a medal.

OP a little compassion wouldn't go astray.

[ashley11]

I am married to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful little girls. I am a stay at home mom as well. While I take care of everything around the house and the kids as long as they are not throwing up, I know what your wife is going through. This phobia sucks when you have kids! My 3 year old was throwing up and I ran out of the room and called my husband to come up and take care of her. I have called for my mother to help me too. It does not make me less of a mother or a wife! It is a real fear that I did not just make up one day, I have had this since I was 6 years old. I also have a grandmother who died from brian cancer, I watched her go through chemo and radiation therapy and my brother who at 18 had testicular cancer. It was a fight for them and it is a daily fight for me. While I am fortunate enough not to be as diblitated as your wife with this fear I still have it. My husband gets frustrated and so do my parents, but after years of therapy and counseling they know it is real. My 6 year old daughter suffers from it as well. I would not stand by and let my husband blame me or say the things to me that you have said about your wife and I hope to GOD you did not say those things to her! That will only make it worse. I feel like a horrible person a lot because of how I am especailly having kids. But it does not mean that I love my kids or my husband any less. She needs your support, try and make her go to therapy, there are medications out there that will not make you feel sick, I am on them now and it has helped. But one thing in my house is I take care of EVERYTHING except, cutting the grass and the kids when they THROW UP!! It is a deal that I made with my husband when my first daughter was born. Show her this site, it helps a lot and see if you can't get her to therapy, and go with her if you have too! If you let them know how bad it is they will try and give her something that will not make her sick and maybe give her something if she does feel sick! I know that this must be hard for you, but think of how she feels, I am sure she would love nothing more then to get up and just live her life with you and her beautiful kids! She IS sick right now, just be there for her and love her!

[cinque]

I'm definitely thinking 'troll'. Nobody is stupid enough to go to a support group website and then write a post bitching about how inconsiderate and useless sufferers of the condition are, right?

If it's not a troll, then this person's attitude to his wife is thoroughly sickening. Doesn't even sound like it's about his wife's phobia; he just wants a subservient obedient wife. It reads like something from about a hundred years ago (except he wants his wife to earn money as well as do all the housework and look after the children). If it's true, I hope the poor lady gets out of this appalling relationship (the stress of which would exacerbate the phobia no end) and actually meets a decent human being to have a relationship with. Edit: and that she keeps custody of the children whom she obviously loves and cares for deeply despite her anxiety.

[m0ndaymay]

I do understand your frustration living with an emetophobic person. I'm emetophobic and I don't even want to live with me!

I also understand your concern regarding your children. Leaving them unattended while vomiting can be dangerous and it certainly is not good for their psychological development for obvious reasons. So you do have a very valid point.

Question is, do you stay or do you go? Only you can answer that. If you have truly done everything humanly possible to help her and she won't have any of it, then you do have the option of walking away, and taking your children if you as their father believe that's best for them. But before you do that, have you sat her down and told her exactly how you feel? Or are you being the nice husband to her face but seething on the inside? I'm not saying give her an ultimatum because that rarely works, but perhaps if she knows exactly what's at stake here and how you really feel, that may be her "bottom" and the push she needs to encourage her to get out of bed and go to therapy and whatever else she may need to do to get better.

Emetophobia does not have to be a life sentence. It can be overcome. But it takes a lot of work, time, effort, and 100% commitment espeically during the difficult times when it's easier to give into the phobia instead of doing what's necessary to take one baby step away from it.

One last thing, if she's staying in bed that much, it sounds like she may be suffering from clinical depression and not just emetophobia. Has she had a full psychiatric workup at any point? Sometimes emetophobia, or panic attacks, are a symptom of a different, more serious psychiatric disorder, in which case treating only the emetophobia is treating only a symptom and not the problem itself.

If your wife will not do therapy, have you tried seeing a therapist on your own? S/he can help you deal with your wife's condition better than you're dealing with it alone, and s/he may be able to coach you as to how to better approach your wife to encourage her back to therapy or whatever she may need to do. A therapist can also help you learn what you as the non-emet parent can do to help your children through this, whether you do or don't stay. It's difficult on them too, either way. So therapy for you wouldn't be a bad thing. Kind of like a spouse living with an addict, it's always a good idea to get help for yourself, not just the one who has the problem. Know what I mean?

I don't know what else to tell you. This phobia sucks big time, no matter which side of it you're on.

[fibigrey]

as a mother who is an emetophobic, I take this very personally.. I am not as severe as your wife and can take care of my children when I have to (if my husband isn't around, etc) but it is a disaese. I'm sorry. I wish the world that I could be different and not have this stupid, irrational fear. but I do, and I don't know WHY I do, and its not a learned behaviour. I have had this disease since I was a little girl, and I can't tell you how even then I wanted to be "normal." I do however take care of my children when they are sick when I need to, but I also engage in some really anxious/paranoid behavior when they are sick/could be sick.

your wife needs your support, not your belitteling. you have no idea how it feels to be like this. NO IDEA. The fact that your wife chose to have children at all is a huge accomplishment for someone who such severe emetophobia.. I think you should be trying to get her help, not abandoning her.

[wargerbil]

Instead of complaining online and threatening to leave her, have you considered taking any steps to help your wife get treatment for her MENTAL ILLNESS. Mental illness can be completely debilitating. It isn't in her control. None of us want to be like this. If your wife was bipolar or schizophrenic would you just be angry with her or would you be pursuing help for her? You probably need to do more than tell her to get help, since it sounds like she is functioning at a really low level right now. You probably need to find a therapist for her, make an appointment, set up child care for the children, and take her to the appointment. In sickness and in health is a two way street.

Were you not aware that this was a problem when you married your wife, or did it come on suddenly/get worse over the course of your relationship? My husband was fully aware when we got married that I am emet. We don't have any children yet, but he knows he is going to have to deal with vomiting incidents as much as possible when we do. I do take care of him when he's ill, but if he's vomiting, he needs to do that on his own (though I will make him soup and bring him gingerale and whatever else he needs). He's ok with these things. Not everyone can handle every situation. I know parents who freak out when it comes to blood. My own mother would have panic attacks over teeth related problems. Everyone is different.

With the right care and support, your wife can improve. Emet affects people in a lot of different ways. For example, I work full time (and rarely call out sick), volunteer on the weekends, spend time with friends all the time, go shopping, go on trips, my husband generally eats/drinks about half of anything I'm consuming at any given time (I know to serve myself extra!), and I'm in therapy to try to improve even more. I'm hoping you're just venting your frustration, because trust me, no one knows how frustrating this can be than people who have it, but if you're acting at home the way you're spewing venom here, your wife may be better off without you.

[CherBirdi]

I feel for your wife as a fellow emetophobic; but I pity her more for having a husband like you.

[gumdropper1]

Maycontainnuts,

I am a rare male emetophobe and author of the Emetophobia FAQ: http://emetophobia.byethost15.com. It's required reading for emetophobes and those who live with them.

I know my emetophobia is not as bad as your wife's. I also know that she is the only one who can change herself. If she doesn't want to change, things are going to remain as they are. I agree with posters above who say that emetophobia is not your wife's only problem. She is probably also depressed.

You might have her read my Emetophobia FAQ and also my Vomiting FAQ. She will understand that vomiting is a rare malady, especially for people who have a history of never vomiting. If she made a list of the things she fears to do, and ranked them in order of likelihood of causing vomiting, she would find that the first half of the list are things utterly unlikely of causing her to vomit. If she could start doing things on that list again, it would be a major help.

There are various approaches recommended for becoming cured -- you can find them here on IES. You can read them, but I suspect your wife is not at the point of trying any of them now. Get her to make the list of restricted activities and work on getting her to do them. Once she's out of her private prison a little, you can work on finding a permanent cure for emetophobia.

Doug

[m0ndaymay]

Excellent advice, Doug!

[triciamassey]

I wasnt going to post the first comment but i felt compelled..I didnt want to be rude either but that last comment at the very end of his post where he says "Grow the eff up" really sent fire through my viens...

[NatalyKay]

Wow. Okay, so let me ask you something, how long have you been with this woman before you got married? I'm going to assume you've known about her phobia while you were dating, so you OBVIOUSLY knew what you were going to be getting when you married her. You honestly have no right to be complaining about something that you KNEW would happen. If you didn't want to deal with it, then you should not have married her. Maybe it would have been better, your children wouldn't have to put up with such an "unfit" mother.

And here's another question, what exactly did you think you were accomplishing by posting this in an EMETOPHOBIA FORUM? Are you really that stupid? It's people like you that make me want to just shut myself out from the world. Seriously. What the hell are you thinking we're going to say. CLEARLY you're just looking to have a huge fight over the internet. Just like a 12 year old boy would when he first discovered the internet.

Yeah. You're frustrated. I get it. My boyfriend feels the same way. But he would NEVER, EVER say I was an unfit parent, let alone go onto a forum like this and basically make all of us feel like even more crap about this phobia.

Actually, you didn't even make me feel bad. I feel bad for YOU, for being so pathetically dumb.