Tired of my emetophobic wife.

[maycontainnuts]

That's another thing I'm pissed about. She did a bait and switch on me. When we were dating she didn't tell me she had this phobia. All she said to explain her pickiness surrounding food and endlessly washing her hands was that she was a clean freak and picky about what she ate. Ok I can live with that, not a big deal. It was kind of cute. Then we get married and the real truth comes out. But I stay with her because I love her.

I told her we didn't need to have kids if she couldn't handle it. If we both really wanted them we could adopt. No, she insisted she wanted her own kids so we had our children. Both pregnancies she spent the whole nine months in bed, not moving, said if she moved she was afraid she'd throw up. Not one time during either pregnancy did she vomit or even gag. She ate fine so obviously she wasn't even nauseous. She even said she wasn't experiencing nausea, just that she was afraid she might vomit. I'm a man, have no idea what it's like to be pregnant so I went along with this. If she felt she had to stay in bed, she stayed in bed. That was ok with me. I got a cleaning lady to come in once a week to clean and do laundry. Cooking I took care of after I got home from work. As a nice treat for her, I had a professional massage therapist come in once a week to give her a full body massage. Thought that would relax her and make her feel good. I wanted to pamper her. She's my wife, having my child.

I suggested hiring a cleaning lady now. She won't hear of it. Says she's scared of what germs the woman might bring into our house. Who knows if she washed someone else's toilet just before coming to clean our house. That's exactly what she said. And what if she has a virus and not showing symptoms? So the cleaning lady is out of the question, my wife won't clean, I honestly don't have the time with work and everything else I do to take care of our children and home, so we live in a pig pen.

I do want to honour my vows in sickness and in health, I do want my marriage, I do want my family to stay intact, I do want my wife. But my wife doesn't exist. It's impossible to have any kind of a relationship with a blob on the bed. No I don't want her to be subserviant nor do I want her to serve me. What I want is a healthy relationship with my wife and a healthy mother who is present physically, emotionally, and psychologically for our children. That's what I want. But I don't have that. She contributes ZERO to our relationship, to our household, to our family. SHE is the one who has already left ME and our children. She's physically there, plopped on the bed, but emotionally and psychologically she checked out and abandoned us a long time ago. I'm not the bad guy here. I'm not the one in the wrong. All my complaints are legitimate. They may not be popular on this forum because of course you're going to vehemently defend your phobia, but they ARE legitimate. What is selfish and unfair is a person like my wife who refuses to do anything to get better for herself and for our family, and expecting me and the children to stick around and live our life around her phobia. That's what's unreasonable and selfish.

I spoke with my neighbour's father who is a lawyer and he says I have an excellent chance at getting sole custody because a case can be made that she is not capable of caring for the children and that they are not safe in her care. I am going to tell her this tonight after I put the kids to bed. I am going to make her decide: her phobia or us. If she chooses us and follows through with therapy and everything her therapists wants her to do, I will do everything I have to do to make this work while helping her get better. If she chooses the phobia, it's over. I can't take it anymore and I refuse to expose my children to this insanity one more day.

[hsbbd]

I think that there is somethin more wrong with her than just emetophobia. Honestly.

[fibigrey]

It sounds like she is depressed, and has some other issues going on. I think you can be in a forum like this to get support and other points of view, but you can also handle the way you word things differently. She really needs professional help.

[wargerbil]

The issue really sounds deeper than Emet. Your tone is really accusatory as though we did this to your wife, or like we're some sort of cult that she's joined. We all suffer from the same mental illness, but it is comorbid with a lot of things for people, like agoraphobia, bi-polar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, social phobia, or major depression. From what you're saying about your wife, Emet sounds like it may just be a symptom to a much bigger problem. This may be the part that she can explain, but Emet on its own doesn't mean you're going to be bed ridden. As I pointed out in my other post using myself as an example, there are plenty of us that go through life with it that you would never know there is anything wrong with. The only person in my life who knows there IS something wrong is my husband, NO ONE else. That's how "normal" I appear.

I don't think an ultimatum as you describe is going to help. When people are THAT sick with mental illness, they generally don't know how to get out again, or are unable to handle the necessary steps to help themselves. I am going to again recommend doing the following:
1. Find a psychologist/clinical social worker/psychiatrist.
2. Make an appointment for your wife.
3. Schedule child care for the children.
4. Schedule time off work for yourself.
5. Take your wife to the appointment.

I absolutely respect your right, and your duty, to care for your children. I respect that you are in no way obligated to stay in a marriage in which you are unhappy. But I cannot respect your being cruel to your wife and think that will make her well. You can't jump right into "YOU MUST FIX EVERYTHING OR WE WILL LEAVE!!!" You can explain to her that you understand she is sick, it is hurting you and the children, and that you need her to go the appointment. My husband volunteers to come to therapy with me like, every week, and I'm like "dude, I'm a big girl, I can take myself" but I appreciate the offer, and knowing that he cares and wants me to be well. That is the angle you need to take, not the crazy angry fed up husband angle. The caring, concerned husband. She doesn't want to be like this any more than you want her to be like this, she probably just doesn't know how to get out of the place she is in.

[cinque]

We're not here to 'defend' our phobia. Of course it is a negative thing. The thing is, you'll put us on the defensive as individuals if you come in here criticising a fellow emetophobia sufferer - one who is clearly going through hell - and belittling the phobia. Perhaps you need to work on your diplomacy and communication skills.

I do actually empathise with your frustration - it must be immensely difficult to offer solutions and have them dismissed (ie the cleaning lady). As an irrational phobic myself, I can see where she is coming from on that front - being worried about a cleaner bringing germs into the house, cutting corners like using the same cloth on the toilet itself and then the sink taps etc (not that most cleaners would do that, of course).

I would absolutely hate to be in her situation, as anybody would be. She's not lazy. She's suffering. And the one thing that would make it even worse would be my husband, who is supposed to love me, calling me a 'blob'. Your wife needs some professional help and she also needs your support. You come across like an angry/aggressive person in your posts. Get angry with the phobia. Don't get angry with your wife. Have you considered therapy yourself? You seem to have issues of your own.

Mind you, it sounds like you've already made your mind up and that you are going to leave her. Consulting the lawyer. All this anger about the 'bait and switch', like she deceived you in order to get this life she's got now. do you really believe that was her goal?

Maybe you should introduce her to this site so she can have some support from people who understand. Sometimes it can make people worse, admittely, to be surrounded by it all. But for her I am guessing it would be nice to have contact with people who understand and can perhaps reassure her in some ways. Some emetophobics have misconceptions like stomach viruses being spread by coughs and sneezes, etc, and then they are reassured to learn that this isn't the case. A lot of the members here have very full lives and they might help your wife build a better life for herself. Of course therapy is required too but it might be a good first step.

If you do introduce her to the forum I'd advise contacting a moderator to see if your posts could be removed. I cannot imagine how hurtful it would be for your wife to read the things you have written.

[JadeNight]

I agree with what everyone is saying in your wife's defense

and quite frankly? if you do leave her. It'd probably be the best thing. YOU sound like the selfish one, how she has to be the perfect woman for you.

What's gonna happen is that if you do leave her? She won't be alone forever, she will find the support she DESERVES, she will find a REAL MAN she deserves, and she will work for the life she deserves. and it will be without you. and then you're gonna do a double take and want her back, but you won't be able to have her back, because she will find something better. I speak from experience.

Phobia's go hand in hand with anxiety. Which is a MENTAL DISORDER. Educate yourself. You can't just "get over it" I sure as hell know I'd be struggling without the amazing support I have from my family and absolutely loving boyfriend.


Honestly, I am mind blown by how heartless and cold you sound. Your poor wife. I'd be depressed too if I was married to you.


Best of luck

[andee]

I realllly hope you are a "real" person and not a troll...I will give you the benefit of the doubt and ASSume you are. So, at this point, I really think you need to sort of "make" your wife get help. She needs a good physical examination, to rule out any other underlying illness. Then she needs a psychiatrist, who can prescribe medication, because she will undoubtedly need it. She may even need a stay in the hospital, whether psychiatric or not, to sort out everything. You are asking us all for help and what to do, so this is what needs to be done. If you feel so strongly that she is endangering her children, and you want to HELP her and keep your vows, you don't want to talk to a lawyer, you want to get her the help she can't or won't get, for your marriage and your kids' sake. Please follow through, and let us know.

[bananas]

Nuts-- you're not going to find much of what you want here. This board is almost entirely female and you really pushed a lot of the ladies' buttons with what you posted. Hardly anyone who reads your post is going to sympathize with you and nearly everyone will instead sympathize with your wife. I suggest you take it to the Emetology board where there is a more even mix of men and women and readers have a more diverse set of viewpoints when it comes to emetophobia. The Emetology board is http://emetology.informe.com. Not everyone there is emetophobe, so be prepared to be offended. Kind of like you did to this board.

[NatalyKay]

Okay that all makes sense for you, but seriously. Get off of this forum. Barely any of us are going to even help you with this. You're basically saying every one of us is an unfit, selfish parent. Yeah, we let the phobia get the best of us. But we're not purposely doing it for selfish needs. We do it because, for most of us, it helps us deal with the phobia. We don't WANT to leave the children. We don't WANT to stay in bed all day everyday. We do it because we feel like that's how we can deal with it.

[asianeko]

Not going to get into the battle because it's already pretty much well fought for.

However, I will mention that I was at a terrible point with my phobia, where I was afraid to leave the house. The ONLY reason I was able to get a hold of myself and finally get to therapy was because of my supportive mate. He was there for my every panic attack, supporting me and keeping me okay. He saw me at my worst, and helped me through it. Any negativity from him would have been a huge setback. Thanks to him, I can now see it in films, hear him do it, and even do it myself without anxiety.

Just take a second and think about how far actually supporting her and being there for her may take you. Obviously treating her poorly hasn't helped.

[Kristen11]

Hmmm I dont agree with everything you said and Im not going to get into detail but I personally do think you need to do something about the children. If they sit and watch TV all day with their mom "sick" in bed they will mostlikely have mental issues also when they are older. Its kinda like if your a teen mom your child is more likely to be one, and if your dad goes to jail you are more likely to go to jail. So if they are in that enviroment they are more likely to have issues when older. And also, sitting infront of a TV is not stimulating enough for a child, they need to go outside, play, and learn in their enviroment.Not learn from a TV. Maybe you should just tell her until she is able to take care of the children you will take them. Hopefully that is enough for her to go out and seek help.

[scottness]

My sister and I are both emetophobic, she also has two children and broke up with the father. Years down the line, he took her to court to say she wasn't capable of looking after her children because she was afraid of vomit, the judge said and I quote. "I have a phobia of spiders, I can still look after my children, get a real excuse. When she is harming them and treating them badly, then complain, until then, go back to doing what you did before".....probarbly the best thing I heard a professional judge say. Oh and Goodluck to your wife getting better, and sorry you can't live with her phobia, try living WITH the phobia before you even try to compare.

[teh folder]

I'll take the girl off your hands and show her a good time.

[KaydeeJayde]

That judge is my hero.

[scottness]

Mine too! I could have hugged him so hard haha!

[becca44]

You are an unfit husband! anyway where are you when the kids are sick??? Sick kids are a joint responsibility.

[eils20]

I don't even know what to say to something like this, except I have never encountered something so un sympathetic and horrible in my life.

It's people like you that mean we have to be so scared, my dad had the same attitude as you and it's for that reason I have this phobia.

Maybe you should stop being so selfish yourself and try and understand how horrible her day to day life is living with this debilitating phobia.

And Cherbirdi/Scottness, well said!!!!!
I feel incredibly lucky that I have such an understanding caring boyfriend after reading this.

[Emma Rose]

What an awful situation for you, your wife, and most of all, your children, to be in. My heart goes out to your whole family.

My initial reaction when reading your post was one of fear and a defensive attitude because while I have a full and rewarding life despite emetophobia, becoming like your wife... existing, not living, emetophobia completely consuming me. *shudder* is what I fear may eventually happen to me if I don't find a way to overcome this fear now. As an emetophobic person, I do not want you to remind me of how bad it can get! That's why, on a raw emotional level, I want to cyber-scratch your eyes out and tell you why you're such a poor excuse of a man. It would make me feel better about myself, but it would not be true.

The reality is, your frustration and anger is valid. It does not sound as if you're cruel to her, you're letting it out here, where it is (should be) safe. It actually sounds like you have been very patient and supportive and, in some instances, bent over backwards trying to help her and accommodate her disorder. Now you feel like you've run out of options and your kids' wellbeing is at stake. That's a good father's reaction. Had my mother ran out screaming, leaving me alone sick and vomiting when I was little, that would have devastated me. It would have taught me that what I was doing - vomiting - was a dangerous thing to be feared. As a child, I would have interpreted my mother's reaction as, she doesn't love me, or I've done something wrong so now my mother is mad at me, that's why she's screaming. Those kinds of childhood wounds on the psyche stay with us forever. We don't grow out of them. They don't go away. So I applaud you for stepping up to the plate for your children. Too many adults see children (their own or others') being abused/mistreated/neglected every day and do nothing.

I didn't mean for this reply to turn into a long essay , so I'll wrap it up here. If your wife refuses help, being as bad as she is, you may be able to have her committed against her will for at least 72 hours - long enough for her to get properly evaluated/diagnosed. Look into that. It sounds extreme and cruel but it's really not, not in a desperate situation like this one. If a person is incapable of getting medical help for themselves for a physical injury, people call 911 for them, right? This would be the same thing, only for the mind. You may very well be saving her life, and your marriage, and your family.

Good luck, whatever you decide, but please, make sure those children are properly cared for. They have to come first. Not you, not your wife. The children.

[triciamassey]

I'll take the girl off your hands and show her a good time.

Haha! This is awesome!

[KaydeeJayde]

Please, please don't have her committed against her will unless you have tried literally EVERYTHING else in your power, made every single suggestion under the sun, I'm not even kidding. She will never trust you again, and if it's your relationship you're trying to save, not just yourself, then that could be the worst thing to do. I know she needs treatment, but please please, try everything else before you do this.

[MrParker]

I don't even know what to say to something like this, except I have never encountered something so un sympathetic and horrible in my life.

It's people like you that mean we have to be so scared, my dad had the same attitude as you and it's for that reason I have this phobia.

Maybe you should stop being so selfish yourself and try and understand how horrible her day to day life is living with this debilitating phobia.

And Cherbirdi/Scottness, well said!!!!!
I feel incredibly lucky that I have such an understanding caring boyfriend after reading this.

I feel sorry for the guy, I honestly do, he has had to take so much, my mum was the same with my dad when my dad had a nervous breakdown, my mum came to the end of her tether and she couldn't deal with it, but they got through it at the end, maybe you should see it through his point of view, I am not starting drama, my opinion.


I just think you should give the guy a break, maybe he should motivate himself a bit more to help his wife instead of bitching here.

[KaydeeJayde]

I just don't know what he was hoping to achieve coming in here and calling us lazy, irresponsible, selfish hypochondriacs. I understand where he's coming from, but this isn't the place, and his tone was accusatory and mean. He seems so cold and horrible about the whole thing. I understand the frustration, but a bit of compassion would not go to waste.

[kaiilyn_23]

You are an asshole. I'm thirteen and I can see that. Why can't you? I feel like you're an unfit husband. If you truly loved your wife, and want her to "be there more" you could help her instead of whining like a baby and being a selfish jackass.

Cancer and emetophobia, are incredibly different, that comment made me incredibly angry. My friends mom just died from cancer. So screw you.

You are a terrible husband, and I hope you know this. I would be embarrassed to have someone like you in my life; if I was your child I'd be crucially embarrassed to have such a self centered father.

And like it's been said, do you think this is a wise place to post? In an emetophobia support forum? Did you not think, that maybe, we would take your wifes side seeming as we feel for her and realize what she's suffering through?

You are pathetic. YOU, need to grow up.

Instead of whining, fucking help her. She NEEDS you. You can say, "I've tried," but if you're not helping, obviosly you're not trying hard enough. We can't help emetophobia, it's not like we choose it and tell it to stay. It's why we drive ourselves crazy with it. Do you think your wife enjoys this phobia, likes it?

Your post is actually infuriating me... nicely done, asshole, just bring up a thirteen year olds blood pressure.

PARDON MY FRENCH.

[orton99]

Umm. Not for the first time in the past week or so, I find myself feeling disillusioned after reading a thread and am starting to question what I’m actually doing here, given that my views seem to be so different to what seems to be the “accepted” stance.

Yes, the OP could have phrased that a lot more diplomatically and does come across as quite angry, but I can see where he’s coming from. Strip away the emotion and all he’s really saying is that as a result of the way his wife is he’s having to do everything in the relationship, gets very little support and that this has been the situation for a few years now. He’s especially concerned about the effect this is having on the children and has now reached the end of his tether. What a monster, huh? (Incidentally, he did express a willingness to help her in that first post, although you’d never know it from some of the responses he got.)

Most people tend to be sympathetic to others with problems in my experience, but if that person then shows no willingness to help themselves the sympathy starts to evaporate. That’s pretty basic human nature and doesn’t mean that the original sympathiser was really heartless all along! I certainly agree that this case may not be that simple and that the poor woman may well be clinically depressed and so urgently needs help, but I think his basic frustration is understandable. Indeed, I think there should be more posts like it. Hopefully not as blunt and aggressive for sure, but in essence the OP was giving the non-emetophobic’s viewpoint which is something that’s rarely heard around here and I think could actually do a lot of good if it was expressed more often.

For example, I used to be very anxious (not fully phobic perhaps but not far from it) about visiting the dentist. (It was a combination of not liking injections and not wanting any work done, which is especially ironic as all these years and six-monthly check-ups later I still don’t have any fillings in my teeth so it was all utterly pointless!). I must have looked like a man approaching the gallows as I walked into the surgery each time and on one occasion spotted my dentist pretty much groaning and rolling his eyes when he caught sight of the look on my face. What I didn’t do was get angry and start insisting that I was anxious and it wasn’t my fault and he was being really insensitive. No, in fact it pulled me up short as I realised that he was just doing his job, he wasn’t trying to hurt me and my over-reaction each time was probably quite annoying or even hurtful to him. That began the change in my thinking and a few check-ups later my anxiety was a lot less than it had been and remains at that much lower level to this day.

And it’s just this position, of seeing the situation that makes you anxious from someone else’s point of view, that I’m only seeing in some of the responses to the OP and why I say I feel disillusioned and am starting to wonder what I’m doing here. I thought this was a place to get advice on how to get better and that’s why I joined, not to hear “emet right or wrong”. I think the most constructive thing anyone’s said is mondaymay’s comment (and is it just me or is she rapidly becoming a favourite poster of anyone else as well? She always seems to talk so much sense!) about how this phobia sucks, “no matter which side of it you’re on”. She’s right and so are a few others who’ve taken a more balanced view. (Emma Rose’s post in particular was really compassionate and all credit to her.)

Yes, it’s miserable and none of us can or should be blamed for having this problem, but none of us then have the subsequent right to make it someone else’s problem and just expect them to take it without complaint and certainly not when the situation is this extreme. Look beneath the frustration and anger and that’s pretty much what the OP was saying.

Well, I can see his point.

[becca44]

I think this guy is a wind up.

[KaydeeJayde]

Orton, almost everyone has said they see his point. Yes, we understand that living with someone who is severely emetophobic must be really hard, but look what he wrote. He called someone who is suffering with the exact same thing that a lot of us are lazy, irresponsible, selfish, incompetent. I have days where I can't get out of bed in the morning because I'm too exhausted from being scared and anxious all the time. I put my boyfriend through hell sometimes, probably about as much as this guy's wife does him, and I feel as guilty as hell for it, you have no idea, but he still finds it within himself to be supportive and to try and stand by me, which is a damn sight more than this guy is doing. Even though we're considering breaking up right now, his exact words tonight were, "I'll always be your friend because I refuse to let you suffer like this on your own". See, even when he might not be my partner, he's willing to stick by me, because that's what friends, boyfriends, and above all, husbands who made a vow to do just that are meant to do. His attitude when talking to a board full of emetophobics was cold and accusing and I feel sorry for his wife. She deserves someone more supportive who'll stick by her through anything.

[Lorni]

Real men, dont give up on the one that they marry, since you quite happily quoted ''In Sickness & In Health'' How about considering that your wife is Emetophobic, in a sense she is sick, she needs help, from her 'Husband' & a professional. Live up to the vows you pledged to her, help her.
I sincerely hope nothing similar to what she is suffering happens to you, you'd suck your own sour sweets, and they wont taste nice.

[CherBirdi]

She is mentally ill. A mental illness can be just as debilitating as a physical illness. Ignorance isn't pretty.

[m0ndaymay]

Can someone please show me where this man called any of us lazy, irresponsible, selfish hypochondriacs? He didn't call me that. He said his wife is those things. He would know that better than any of us because the man lives with her. I don't know her, do you? And I don't understand why some of you are taking his posts about his wife personally, as if he's talking about you.

Just because we're all emetophobic, does not mean we're all the same. Some of us want to recover and will do anything to succeed. Some of us feel comfortable with our emetophobia and do not want to let go of it and refuse to do anything to get rid of it. We are all different. To assume that this wife is a helpless victim and this man is a piece of shit, is wrong. Things are never that black and white.

This is an online support group for emetophobia. Where is the support for this man? His life is falling apart because of emetophobia too, not just his wife's. He may not be wording things all nice-nice the way some of you would like, but so what? He's angry and frustrated. I would be too if I were in his shoes!

Can someone also please show me where in his posts he said he treats his wife poorly? Is it because he's fed up and is considering ending the marriage? Again, so what? That's his business, his decision. You throw the "In sickness and in health" part of marriage vows at him. What about her vows? She vowed to "love and honour him all the days of her life." How is she loving or honouring him ANY days of her life if she refuses to, at the very least, seek help for her problem? And may I remind you that many married people, some right here on this board, have ended a marriage for far less than this.

So please, you don't have to agree with what he's saying, or how he's saying it. You don't have to agree with anything I'm saying either. But calling him a troll and saying that he shouldn't be here, and that he should leave... really??!! This is a public support group, open to everyone suffering with emetophobia. And if this man isn't suffering, I don't know who is.

[Morgan16]

I am sooooo tired of feeling this way. What do others do to get past the fear of vomiting? I already have anxiety and take Zoloft, but it doesn't help for the fear of vomiting. I get worried that I will vomit and make a fool of myself that I don't tell a sole, I just avoid the situations that will make me uncomfortable..I think I can remember every place I was where I saw someone vomit in public. That isn't normal, people don't just fixate on these things but "I" do. I just want it to go away. I have had this over 20 years.