A Fear of Food

[CuteCandy]

My main symptoms are restrictive eating and avoiding people who might be sick. Both have been bothersome, but it's the first one I'm most worried about.

I started limiting my diet a few years ago. At first, I only stopped eating beef (mainly ground beef). Chicken was fine if it was properly cooked, and I still believed both restaurants and my mother knew what they were doing. Then one night, my mom left some cooked chicken sitting on the stove and insisted on eating it the next day. I asked an online community if that was safe, and one of the repliers mentioned that cooked chicken that hadn't been left out can make you sick too. That scared me, and I haven't eaten chicken since.

I already wasn't eating enough fruits and vegetables, but with all of these recalls lately, I've added those to my list of "dangerous foods."

Those were really the only foods I wouldn't eat until February this year. I caught a stomach bug for the first time since grade school. It wasn't anything serious -- just unpleasant for about twelve hours. Ironically, I told my mom vomiting wasn't as bad as I remembered. I thought getting through the bug might curb my fear, but it only intensified it. I became desperate not to get sick again.

I started reading a lot about food. I'm consistently on the Internet, learning about recalls and bacteria. Now, almost everything is on my danger list. Rice used to be my backup until I read about bacillus cereus, a germ associated mainly with cooked rice. Now I'm scared to eat anything with rice in it, including rice cereals like Chex.

I'm mostly living off dry foods now: crackers, some cereals, tortilla chips. But after I eat, I count the sickness-free hours that have passed to determine if the food is "safe."

I don't want to live like this anymore. My co-workers have noticed I'm losing weight. One of them said I look "puny." The thing is I used to love eating. Food was wonderful. Now, I'm always thinking in the back of my mind, "What bacteria might be in this? How do I know it was processed/cooked properly?" I don't trust anyone anymore -- food companies, my mom, myself -- to make sure food is safe.

I want to enjoy food again. But I'm afraid to get treatment because I think I'll be exposed to vomit. All I know is if I don't do something, I could die.

[andee]

I understand you completely...when I was young I would limit eating very much. If I even heard of anything remotely close to making someone sick, I wouldn't eat it. You can quickly get yourself in trouble. I am still quite thin because I am very careful about food and can't eat when anxious. But I am much better, and have kids so I can't be too restrictive, nor do I want to be. AND please remember that the majority of foods are safe, especially for people like us who are really careful with prep, storage, etc. Try to start adding foods to your list instead of taking things away (rice cereal is totally safe!). Good luck and keep at it!

[JessSchraad]

I have food allergies and can't eat anything but Quinoa, chicken, and rice. Literally. And I am trying to find food that doesnt make me sick every time I eat it. I understand your fear seeing as how since all my allergies started I have to be more then careful so I dont eat something that will make me sick. It's terrible... But if you can eat foods, I think you should. There is nothing wrong with rice if you cook it properly along with all the other foods. Quinoa is another good thing you can have. Please eat tho. This is coming from a 19 year old that weighs 95 pounds, losing her hair, dealing with malnutrition, and on the verge of being hospitalized and very very weak. Actually, if you dont eat what your supposed to eat you can get sicker and sicker and your stomach wont be able to handle any foods at all. PLEASE eat. There are so many safe foods out there and if you take care of the foods that you buy properly then you will be completely fine. Don't read anything else on the internet about what food is bad. If your going to read about food find positive things about food. Your only scarying yourself. I can understand your fear of food I really can. I am afraid to eat chicken. But because I could die (I also have a very serious heart problem on top of my stomach problems) if I dont eat I force myself and I have not gotten food poisoning once throughout my life. Trust me you don't want to be in my position. And because I cant enjoy any foods anymore. Go eat a donut or something for me. haha I have been craving those for weeks. Enjoy the food your allowed to have. You will be just fine. Just make sure you take care of the foods that you have properly and you wont get sick.

[orton99]

Candy, I sympathise with your post and I’d imagine most on this board can. I’ve been having similar thoughts about food over the last few months, albeit not quite to that extreme. I haven’t really been avoiding anything, but have caused myself a lot of (as it turned out, completely unnecessary) anxiety about food, usually through telling myself that such and such “tasted funny” and worrying that I’d be ill during the night.

I understand what you’re saying about treatment, but CBT (which I’ve started) is about gradual exposure to what scares you and you shouldn’t be asked to do anything that is clearly too much for you at any given point. My CBT is already helping me though, in that I wrote down all the recurring themes the other day in what causes me anxiety, one of which was that I’ve thrown more food away in the past 3 or 4 months than the past 3 or 4 years. Reading that, something inside me just snapped and I was very firm with myself as I’ve started to deliberately eat things that are on the best before date and telling myself that, no, it’s my phobia that’s trying to say the meat tastes a bit strong and it’s actually fine. (And of course, it is.) I’ve also tried to tell myself that I’ve never had food poisoning, so the chances of anything bought from a supermarket being dodgy are very small. I know it’s easier said than done and probably needs to be underpinned with some treatment (as the logic is easy enough but the trick is quieting your irrational objections to it), but that’s the way forward.

I get the impression from your post that you know you have to change something, so please, please try and arrange some therapy for yourself. As I said, I’ve recently started CBT and have started a thread about it in the Treatments forum, so by all means take a look if you’re interested. Incidentally, although I certainly agree with the comment about being scared of stomach bugs, I see that as stage two of my CBT while the immediate goal is to get my day to day life back and stop obsessing about this all the time. I’m taking it one step at a time and so the stomach bug stuff can wait for now while I concentrate on stopping second-guessing a lot of what I eat and cutting down on the unnecessary hand-washing.

Finally, another impression I get is that you already know, if you’re being honest, that all your internet research hasn’t worked the way you intended and has actually made you feel worse, not better. If so, I can sympathise as I did the same thing with stomach bugs a few months ago and, as you’ll see if you read my CBT thread, I now see it as the stupidest, most counter-productive thing I’ve done. That being so – and brace yourself, as some on here would regard this next part as quite controversial! – I’d be a bit careful about which threads you look at on here.

As you’ve just joined here you wouldn’t know this yet – and please by all means disregard this advice if you don’t agree with it and make your own mind up – but you’ll come to see that there are two views on this site amongst the members. One is that it is for support (okay, can’t argue with that!) and that all support is by definition helpful. Umm. I’m in the second camp, that feels that some of the “support”, however well-intentioned, can be counter-productive.

As you look at the various threads you’ll see that a lot of them are “panic-posts”, by people who feel a bit ill and are worried that it’s going to get worse, or they’ve eaten something they’re not sure about…can you see where I’m going with this? As I said, I think you know yourself that you’re struggling with “too much information”, so I would be concerned for you if you start paying too much attention to threads that say “I’ve just eaten a steak and it was a bit bloody in the middle, HELP!!!” or, worse, have one on the subject of chicken and see people fervently agreeing, “Oh gosh, I haven’t eaten chicken since I was 12 either. Never touch it.” Do you think that would do you any good? I mean, it seems to me like you’ve done all that stuff already and look what happened. No, if you want to get better – and I’m sure you do – you know, deep down, that you need to start doing something differently, don’t you? I’d suggest that not looking at certain threads on here (and resolving to stop the internet research) would be a good start, given your story of how your phobia’s developed.

Anyway, controversy aside (!), I really feel for you and the position you’re in and hope that you can get some help soon and start improving. Best of luck and feel free to PM me anytime if you wish.

[cinque]

I'm so sorry you're in this position. I'm a bit restrictive with food sometimes. I wouldn't eat reheated rice/rice that had been cooked and then stored. That can be dodgy, although I know people who have done it all their lives with absolutely no problems. And having said that, I enjoy sushi, which is made with cooked and cooled rice! I don't have the raw fish kind - I'm not that adventurous and it's not widely available in most countries cos you need really super fresh fish for it I guess!

BUT I do eat things like rice cereals, and the rice that you can buy that is pre-prepared and ready to put into the microwave. You really can trust things like that. If it's dried/puffed like rice crispies, nothing will grow on it. It will be absolutely fine. Guaranteed safe. I promise you.

It's a real shame when we stop enjoying foods because we think they're unsafe. So many foods are really safe though. Do you like bananas? They're an excellent source of nutrients and they're very nice to eat! Also, they come in a natural packaging - so you know they're safe And easy-peel oranges are another good example of that, and they're good for you too. And other fruits and vegetables you can wash and/or cook, and they're so rarely the source of food poisoning. I know there's been the publicity about the German e.coli outbreak but that was a rare occurence and that was beansprouts, not perhaps a commonly eaten vegetable?

Honestly there are sooo many lovely foods that are so totally safe to eat. It's really important to get a wide variety of nutrients. I think perhaps adding new little things one at a time would be a good idea. Expand your safe list. So many foods are risk-free. You can enjoy food again.

Orton99 that is extremely diplomatically well-put I'm kind of between the two camps; I do believe in the benefits of reassurance but sometimes this forum can make people focus on it all more, and that's not a good thing.

[JessSchraad]

Well I never thought about that but orton99 has a really really good point. Alot of people get on here for reassurance that they wont get sick cause we are all scared of it. And now that I read that, I really agree with being careful what posts you read. And there is so much stuff on the internet now days that so much of it is not true. If you want sound advice, i would go to the doctor and ask questions instead fo the internet. And gradually being exposed (I have done my research) is probably your best bet to get over this thing. But you know what, I guarantee at the end when you dont have this phobia anymore, you will be more then glad that you did CBT. I am REALLY looking into it. My only issue is the money. Dont let others scare you. Another thing that helps me and praying and talking to God and knowing he wont put me through anything that I can not handle even if its super super hard. There is always a reason your going through certain things. And maybe this is to make you stronger and to show you that you can do it. And maybe in the future its to show others that they can do it and accomplish extremely hard tasks. You will be an inspiration to others who have phobias or who dont think they can go on any longer. You will have a really cool testimony. Keep your chin up and try to read or talk to someone reliable. And someone who is not in panic mode. Although I do know how you feel. And it is harder said then done. I will be here for you if you ever need to talk.

[CuteCandy]

Thank you to everyone who responded.

My mom's really worried I'll end up in the hospital over this. This past week, I've eaten nothing but bananas (yes, cinque, I like bananas ), tortilla chips, popcorn, and cereal. My sister made some linguine alfredo last night, and I really wanted some but was too afraid to eat it. The other problem I have is fear of germs in general. I wasn't just worried about the food -- I wondered about the fork she used to stir the noodles, if her hands were really clean when she broke the noodles, etc. Having that bug in February has made these thoughts worse because I honestly don't know how I caught it. I thought I was careful.

BUT I do eat things like rice cereals, and the rice that you can buy that is pre-prepared and ready to put into the microwave.

I used to love ready-to-eat rice, but I started wondering how they prepare it to avoid the bacteria problem. But I keep thinking -- so many countries eat rice at practically every meal. How can it be so dangerous?

Finally, another impression I get is that you already know, if you’re being honest, that all your internet research hasn’t worked the way you intended and has actually made you feel worse, not better.

Yes, I see that now. I also work at a library, so I have easy access to this kind of information. It's been very dangerous. I think I'll take everyone's advice and try to stop reading about it so much, both on this forum and elsewhere.

Thank you truly for responding. I already feel like this is a safe and caring group.

[cinque]

That ready to eat rice (often the Uncle Bens brand in the UK, ready for the microwave). I actually watched a section of a programme on television once about how they prepare it. The factory was sterile. Nobody worked in it for the most part, but when they walked in there, they had to wear one of those suits that covered the whole body etc. and have one of those air shower things. I forget how they cleaned the rice but I think they sort of washed it before cooking it. I've forgotten the most important bit, lol, but I was impressed by the sterility of the factory. Rice is the staple diet in many places in the world so yeah it is safe for sure! If you cook it from dried and then eat it, there's just no chance it's going to be dangerous xxx

[afraid213]

ive been tht way for the longest time...i love food soooooo much and im actually a very skilled cook......but i rarely eat anything but chips and a few other things ( suprisingly, pizza is one of my safe foods..but only pepperoni) it gets old eating the same things daily and panicing to death if you try something new!! when ever i try something "different" i sit still, completely still, for at least two hours after....and i dont go in public after eating...not even after eating my "safe foods"