My first CBT session was today so I thought I’d say how it went and then update each week so that people who aren’t too sure what CBT is can hopefully see how the process works. It will be a bit stop-start at the beginning as I’ll have to miss a session in two weeks while the therapist is then away for two weeks at the end of June/start of July, but I’ll update when I can. Today went pretty much as I thought, as it was more of an introduction with me telling her as much as I could so she knows exactly what it is we’re dealing with and what thought processes and behaviour need to change. I was told at the end to keep a diary for the next week about any anxious thoughts for discussion next week. Anyway, by way of introduction to this thread below is a summary of what I told her about where I am with this phobia right now.
I’ve probably been phobic about this since the age of 10 (the last time I was actually sick), but for most of time it really hasn’t been a problem and hasn’t affected my life too much. In fact, a few years ago I started referring to it in my mind as my “theoretical phobia” as it never got tested and I used to think that if you’ve got to be phobic about something then it might as well be something that you never have to face!
However, that ended earlier this year when I suddenly started experiencing the worst manifestation of it that I’ve ever had. February and March were utterly miserable and exhausting, from waking up every morning with the thought that I’d have to make sure I didn’t vomit that day (the relief of waking up to realise that I wasn’t ill during the night would be instantly wiped away by the clock resetting to zero in my own Groundhog Day as the focus then switched to not being ill at some point in this new day) to questioning pretty much everything I ate (especially anything meat or fish-based, imagining that it “tasted funny”), to endless hand-washing and distressing psychosomatic symptoms (phantom stomach aches, “sharp” feelings in my cheeks) which made me worried that a bout of nausea was coming.
It has eased to an extent since the start of April, probably because I’ve started a little bit of DIY CBT, for example by challenging myself to not wash my hands quite so much and pointing out to myself that all these psychosomatic symptoms, however much they may have talked the talk, weren’t exactly walking the walk by developing into anything. Once I thought that - hey presto! – these physical “symptoms” haven’t been so prevalent, which also strongly suggests they were/are the product of my mind, not my body! The general therapy I started in February to try and uncover the causes has helped as well, as I’ve realised just how anxious I am about a whole range of things (my therapist’s view is that the phobia is a metaphor for other, emotional things that “aren’t coming out”, to counterpoint the phobia in itself which is of course a fear of something physical “coming out”!) and talking about all other various causes of worry and anxiety is certainly beneficial.
However, the last month or so has seen a bit of slippage as the weather has warmed up. The reason for that is phobia by association, as I was very nearly sick on a Tuesday night last August (for the first time in over 27 years) when I caught a stomach bug from a family member. I run four times a week and did so that night and although I’m certainly not going to stop running stepping out of the door on a summery evening does make me feel a bit anxious in case “history repeats”. What’s more, I’ve been reluctant to wear the same top I wore that night (either the one I ran in or the one I changed into to play football later), to do the same session (running up a hill 10 times) on a Tuesday night or even to drive forward into a parking space (I’ve reversed in ever since) at the sports centre as I did that night, all in case doing the same things produces the “same result”. My rational side knows that’s nonsense but my irrational has the upper hand right now. I even went as far as being edgy earlier this month on Tuesday 10th, as May is the first time since August that the 10th has fallen on a Tuesday, while I’m currently already anxiously looking ahead to Tuesday 9th (a year since the day) and Wednesday 10th (a year since the date) of August this year and just want to get past these two “doom-laden” dates.
That near miss last year really shook me as it showed that I wasn’t as invincible as I’d thought and so I definitely felt my anxiety levels rise. I wasn’t being phobic every day yet but I was starting to think about it more than I had for years. With hindsight I was teetering on the brink and all it needed was one good shove to push me into the phobic abyss, which duly arrived when my Dad passed away just before Christmas. This didn’t have an immediate effect (although sad, his death wasn’t a huge surprise and I thought I coped quite well), but a couple of weeks after the funeral I suddenly became hyper-aware of a few people at work who’d been off with stomach bugs and realised I was absolutely terrified I’d catch something and be returned to (as I saw it) the horrors of August. Goodbye normality, hello Emet City. The pattern of underlying stress being expressed in this phobia has been seen before (and also in a few other ways health-wise although they’re not the subject of this post!) and here I was again.
Anyway, that’s where I am right now. Hopefully that will all change as the summer progresses and I’ll post again next week after my first “proper” session.