The last time I did it (graphic.. but please read note in beginning)

[clands]

I know this might be graphic, but I don’t actually go into detail ABOUT it happening. I would really like for anyone suffering from this to read it… so I’ve sectioned it off to give you a warning about what I’ll be talking about. If you need to skip it and just read the ending, please do that.


(THIS IS WHERE I TALK ABOUT NAUSEA)

The last time I did it was one month and 3 days ago. I have really bad acid reflux and hypoglycemia, and yet the only thing I ate that day was pizza, sunflower seeds, and skittles… stupid, I know. I felt funny before going to bed, and I woke up 30 minutes later feeling nauseated. I’m including that detail because I don’t actually remember my stomach HURTING, I just felt nauseated, which makes me wonder if it was my actions and general freaking out that made me do it? Anyways, I did all my usual rituals. I listened to relaxation music, took a bubble bath, watched a Disney movie from when I was growing up, laid on the couch, had my apartment thermostat down to 64 degrees and had all the fans on, sprayed ‘relaxation’ and ‘sleep’ mist… etc. I just could not turn my mind off. I would start to relax and then I would think about it again and the process would start over. This went on for most of the night until I finally fell asleep. I had to be awake for work 3 hours later, and when that time came, I awoke and took my ADHD medicine. This all seems like information overload, but I’m wondering if given all the circumstances; the acid reflux, the hypoglycemia, the eating junk food, the lack of sleep, and the legalized speed that I am prescribed to; led to it happening.

(THIS IS WHERE I TALK ABOUT IT HAPPENING)

I remember feeling mostly okay when I awoke in the morning (I say ‘mostly okay’ because as an emet, I never truly feel ‘great’, there’s always the worry and the stomach aches), but I think once the medicine hit me, thats when I took a turn for the worse. I suddenly just got really really nauseous, and in what might be a moment of insanity, I was having mixed feelings of, ‘just let yourself do it and get it over with’ mixed with ‘Please God, don’t let me do it’
Well, I did it. Twice. And it certainly wasn’t fun. The first time after it happened I had this fleeting thought of ‘hey, that sucked but it wasn’t so bad’ before I realized that it had just happened and freaked out. I was sobbing, and I called my mother for comfort (even though I’m 21 years old). She comforted me as she always does, and I felt a little better. About 30 minutes later I started feeling really nauseated again, and you know what the crazy thing was? I remember actually thinking to myself, ‘just let it go. I want to get this over with. I don’t want to feel like this anymore’ and I did. I didn’t try to stop myself like I usually do. Again, it wasn’t fun, but I remember thinking to myself, ‘this isn’t something that I should be having a phobia about. It wasn’t fun while it was happening, but I feel much better now’. If only I could have carried those thoughts with me up until today.

(AFTER IT HAPPENING - READ THIS IF YOU CAN)

See, I wrote this because of those thoughts that I had. Over the past 17 years that I can remember suffering from this, I’ve just let the fear manifest until it took over every single aspect of my life. I refused to go to restaurants or to any place where I’d be ‘trapped’, I drive my own car everywhere just in case I’ll get sick and need to leave, I’m always seeking the nearest ‘exit’ or restroom at any place just in case, along with countless other things… but for what?
That day, after I had gotten ill, I remember researching on the computer about vomiting and illness and about what to do for stomach aches, which I would never do on any other day. I don’t know why, but I’ve always just had this stupid thing that if I look into these things, I’ll do them? It doesn’t make any sense, but I’m sure a lot of you who chose to read this have things like that, too… where you can’t explain why you refuse to look at something or why you avoid it, but just that it has to do with vomiting and somewhere in your mind you think that if you are to read it, you’ll do it. I don’t know, maybe I’m just silly. But the point is, that after I did it, I felt okay. I felt relaxed. I guess part of me was thinking ‘hey, since I did it, I wont be due to do it again’, but I also think that the other half of me was thinking that it wasn’t as bad as I feared. That night, I slept great. I even wanted to go into work the next day, but they wouldn’t let me. I think maybe wanting to go into work was a bit hypocritical on my part, as I am always so livid at those people who say that they felt ill or got ill and still come in to work. I always think its so selfish of them, because now I could get infected… which in turn is actually selfish of me rather than them. But honestly, I felt great. It was like my body knew that I wasn’t contagious or that I didn’t actually have a bug, that it was just my poor decisions that led up to it. I just had some crazy sense of clarity that I hadn’t felt for as long as I can remember.
Sadly, that was fleeting, as now I of course am back to where I was before it all happened, but I feel as though maybe it helped me to realize things and to actually sit and think about things, something I had never done in the past. While I’m still very much afraid, I can’t help but to think: “Why?”. I also can’t help but to think of all the countless days, hours, and events that I missed out on because I had a stomach ache that turned out to only be my own anxiety.
Of course, as I said, I am nowhere near recovery, and I am still very much afraid. I’m still terrified when I wake up in the middle of the night, as in my mind I think that the only reason why I woke up was because I must be sick. I’m scared of Mondays, the day it happened, as I assume that because it happened on a Monday morning, it’ll happen all Monday mornings? I don’t know. I never really thought about how ridiculous these things sound until I actually started thinking about them and writing them out in my journal, and I think that thats why I chose to make this post. I just encourage you all to really dig down and think about it, and especially write down all your fears in details. Write down all the rituals… just write down anything that comes to your mind, really. You’d be surprised about how if you just start, you’ll soon be writing pages.
I’ve started a “sick journal” because of this. I’ve started writing down all the countless times that I’ve felt sick, including why I thought I was feeling sick, and as crazy as this sounds (because I would never do it before) I started writing down all of the things that I ate when I was feeling sick.
When I first started it, I laughed AND cried at myself, because I realize I am just… sick. Not physically sick, but mentally sick in a way. I realized all the things that this phobia makes me avoid and miss out on, and I realize all the ridiculous rituals and ways that I try to rationalize to myself that I won’t get sick. I’ll think, ‘okay well the night I got sick, I watched YouTube videos, so now I’ll avoid doing that’… its just crazy to me when I put it all down on paper.
The ‘sick journal’ is also helping me to eat healthy and to get exercise. When I’m feeling ill at night and writing in my journal, I’ll think back to what I ate that day and realize that it is healthy and that there Is no need for me to feel sick and that it’s all in my head and then I’ll go back to sleep.
I honestly feel ashamed in writing all of this down, as I’m scared to be judged and I’m scared that the readers will think ‘man… this girl is crazy. She needs help’, but I feel as though this is a vital step in my recovery, and if I can at least just maybe help one other person who is as sick with this fear as I am, then I know I’ll be okay.

[Erica1649]

Wow,

I know how you feel...when I feel ill, I pop in a disc of "Scrubs" and watch it til I fall asleep...the famililarity of the show helps relax me. I also chew Brioschi tablets (which are supposed to dissolve in water like alka seltzer) but I don't like drinkin it down.

I think when we think of doing the deed, it is more horrifying in our minds...it sucks while its happening, but we really do feel so much better afterwards...its sucks....this phobia is so mind boggling

Sometimes it feels worse than other times...hard to explain.

[Strannik]

You write everything that I, and I'm sure many more of us, do or have done. I was amazed to read the part about your avoidance behaviours, reason being they're just like mine. When my trigger happened three months ago I was watching Stargate Atlantis re-runs, now I'm actually scared to watch that show. I was terrified of eating pasta for a while as I'd eaten that on that night, also the tinned fray bentos pies - I still won't eat those.

I'm glad I found this place, gives you a sense of just how many others out there are experiencing the same things that you thought you were alone in experiencing.

Thanks for taking the time to write that, I appreciate it.

Strannik.

[Vicky92]

This is actually amazing! I have only just been diagnosed with this phobea. After 4 years of suffering in silence i decided to come out and tell someone. I went to the doctors and even said to them I feel stupid telling you this, but im afraid.
They then referred me to psychiatrists! It really is amazing that telling someone that actually understands you makes a lot of difference. You can tell your mum, your mates, your other half, but they never truely understand what you mean unless they are suffering the same too. The amount of times i have heard the words "just get over it" "stop thinking about it" "be positive" "try and fight it" "fear of sick! why?". Hearing these from friends, family, and people who care about you is so hard! But its because they really dont understand how you feel. The amount of holidays, trips, breaks, treats that i have missed out on jsut like you is uncountable! I also wake up several times a night, and think in my head, im going to be sick, why else would i have woken up. I even stayed up all night to make sure there were no noises that disturb me on a nightly basis.

I am 19 years old and in a full time job, i am now suffering to keep this job because i went through a really bad, funny turn and now i associate work with this feeling. Its awful. I feel trapped. I always need to be near an open window, a door, a toilet for if the worst happens.
I have a chance to go on a cheap holiday this year, but this phobea is making me think twice. Is there going to be a person sick on the plane, will i get sick, will i get sick on holiday. These thoughts scare me. Any "normal" person not suffering this phobea would jump at the chance of a holiday, but not me!

Sorry for the long post, it is my first time on here. To find someone suffering EXACTLY the same as i am brings happiness in a way, in a way in the sence of you understand. You wont judge. We are all in the same boat.

[Erica1649]

This is actually amazing! I have only just been diagnosed with this phobea. After 4 years of suffering in silence i decided to come out and tell someone. I went to the doctors and even said to them I feel stupid telling you this, but im afraid.
They then referred me to psychiatrists! It really is amazing that telling someone that actually understands you makes a lot of difference. You can tell your mum, your mates, your other half, but they never truely understand what you mean unless they are suffering the same too. The amount of times i have heard the words "just get over it" "stop thinking about it" "be positive" "try and fight it" "fear of sick! why?". Hearing these from friends, family, and people who care about you is so hard! But its because they really dont understand how you feel. The amount of holidays, trips, breaks, treats that i have missed out on jsut like you is uncountable! I also wake up several times a night, and think in my head, im going to be sick, why else would i have woken up. I even stayed up all night to make sure there were no noises that disturb me on a nightly basis.

I am 19 years old and in a full time job, i am now suffering to keep this job because i went through a really bad, funny turn and now i associate work with this feeling. Its awful. I feel trapped. I always need to be near an open window, a door, a toilet for if the worst happens.
I have a chance to go on a cheap holiday this year, but this phobea is making me think twice. Is there going to be a person sick on the plane, will i get sick, will i get sick on holiday. These thoughts scare me. Any "normal" person not suffering this phobea would jump at the chance of a holiday, but not me!

Sorry for the long post, it is my first time on here. To find someone suffering EXACTLY the same as i am brings happiness in a way, in a way in the sence of you understand. You wont judge. We are all in the same boat.

Knock on wood, I've never seen anybody get sick on an airplane, though thats a fear of mine...I always make sure I have music and stuff in case something happens so I don't hear anything even if it does. Thats a good help for me. I can thankfully say that I've never gotten that bad. Don't let this take over your life. Get out there and have fun. I hope you end up going on your trip.